13 y.o. Daughter Concerns

[tazmanforever]

Yesterday, one of my 13 y.o daughters friends came to us concerned about some comments my daughter had made to her.  She revealed that my daughter had bragged about having sex with her friends boyfriend, (I thought she was a virgin), smoking pot and getting black out drunk.  She also mentioned some interest in the same sex.

My daughter has always been the defiant, boy crazy one of my 4 children.  Her grades in school haven't been great in quite a while and she backsasses her mother all the time as well as "stealing" items from my wife, (i.e.-Make-Up, Clothes, expensive jewelry, etc...which she wears and gets caught almost every time.

In recent months, she has seemed to improve, (grades came up dramatically, attitude improved and she began hanging out with friends that I can actually stand), but about a week ago, I caught her sneaking one of my wife's Smirnoff Green Apple drinks.  When I grounded her from EVERYTHING for a week, she just couldn't understand what the problem was and why I had come down on her so harshly, (no yelling or belittling, just grounded).

My wife and I spoke to her lastnight about these issues that her friend brought to our attention.  She vehemently denied sex, pot and getting drunk, but when I demanded to see her "MySpace" page, which I have never allowed my children to have, (she made it up at a friends house), I came across a lot of vulgarity between her and a 16 year old boy.  The last time she was caught, she was text messaging another boy on my wife's cell phone very similar vulgarities.

I am a strict father.  I need to know where, when, who and why at all times and say no quite a bit at that.

I got online lastnight, on her "MySpace" page and this 16 y.o. boy immediately started sending messages.  I pretended to be her and had him come to the house to pick her up under the guise that my wife and I were asleep.
When the boy showed up 10 minutes later, I met him outside and told him that it was illegal for him to be having these conversations with a 13 year old and that if I ever caught him around her or communicating with her again, I would have him arrested.  (I thnk he wet himself.)  He said, "Okay" and I told him to get the F away from my house and stay away from my daughter.

These kids aren't born with a manual and I do my best as her father to protect her from outside elements and have figured out that I need to protect her from herself.  She actually has 12 and 13 y.o. friends who are sexually active, come to find out, and a couple have gotten pregnant and had abortions.  Many kids at her school are even boasting about being gay or bi-sexual, which is a decision that I have explained to her is too soon to know in life.

Good Lord, what do I have to do?

[tazmanforever]

PLEASE HELP!  YOUR RESPONSES ARE DESPERATELY NEEDED!

[April2]

Hi there. I completely understand what you are going through. I have a teenage daughter too. It seems in this generation sex, drugs and drinking is "no big deal", and "everyone's doing it". I think it's so much harder to raise kids now days than ever before. There seems to be no moral code anymore. Our kids are getting the wrong message everywhere they go, on TV, on the radio, advertisements, etc. I struggle with all of this too. I tried so hard to protect my kids and know everything they're doing, etc., but my daughter still managed to rebell and sneak out and do things she shouldn't have been doing either. She is very strong-willed and seems to have to learn everything the hard way which is hard for any parent to have to watch. I didn't have this with my oldest, my son, so it was hard to understand the best way to handle our daughter. I've had so many talks with her. We go to church every week and I've tried getting her around positive influences but she still manages to get herself in trouble. She's actually doing a lot better. She just turned 16 and I'm hoping that with a little age and maturity she'll outgrow a lot of this. But yes, my daughter tried pot too a couple of times. She also apparently had sex a few times too, which was devestating to us. We've had that talk with her so many times! I've tried to tell her that it should be special between two people who are in love and MARRIED, etc. I think she's just now starting to realize I may have something there. I've had to get to the point of turning to prayer and trusting God with a lot of this because I think I would have been in the nut house by now if I couldn't have done that, lol.
You are doing the right thing. She's not going to appreciate it right now. That's not important. You are her parent not her friend. It's your job to protect, guide, teach and discipline her. Someday she will appreciate all you've done but don't expect it to be any time soon. Just hang in there! It does get easier as they get older. I wouldn't worry too much about the gay/bi thing. That seems to be the "in" thing in middle and high schools right now, especially with girls. It's part of the excitement of doing something daring and different I guess. Most of this is just experimentation. It sounds like she's experimenting with a lot of thing, her sexualtiy, drugs, alcohol, etc. Your job as her parent is to reel her in. She's broken your trust and she's going to have to work on building that back up again. So, I'd say no sleepovers or going anywhere without supervision from now on. Oh, she won't like it but that's too bad. Like I said, she's broken your trust and she needs to regain that. Insist on knowing her password to her Myspace and tell her that you will be monitoring it from now on and if you see inappropriate language, pictures, etc. from her OR her friends that you will give her one warning to clean it up and to tell her friends to clean it up and if it's not done then it gets shut down. Be firm. Don't cave in. She may shriek and cry and slam doors and tell you how unfair you're being. Just ignore all the dramatics and stick to your guns.
I'd tell her that she can only go out with her friends if she's with you or her mom from now on too until she shows more responsibility and has earned your trust back. So, if she wants to go to the mall with her friends, you go too. Yes, it's inconvenient for you guys but you are sending her a message over and over that she has to earn her freedom back and your trust back.
See if you can get her involved in some wholesome activities too where she can be around some positive influences like a church youth group, sports, scouts, etc. Keep her busy! Busy teens have a harder time getting into trouble, lol.
Another good idea is to have her do like a missions trip or something. Most churches do this with their youth. They go places like Mexico to build houses for the poor. It's a real eye opener to our kids with their IPods and cell phones that their are people out there who are so poor that they are so grateful for a shack and one meal a day. It can be pretty sobering to them. Habitat for Humanity is another good one.

The back talk can't be allowed either. There needs to be reprecusions for everything she's doing. You can stay calm but don't allow her to disrespect you all like that. She should go to her room when she does that and lose a priviledge. There's no reason for yelling, hitting or anything of that sort. Just stay calm, go over the rules with her (to be fair) and be firm. Don't back down. Make sure you make up what rules are important to you and sit down with her and go over them. Then post them somewhere she can see. Then she can't argue and say you never said that. She will probably be very resistant at fist to all of this but with time she'll get used to it.
Anyway, that's what I'd do. I wish you well! It sure isn't easy being a parent of a teen. I always joke that we should have a support group or something, lol. But I understand. If you ever need to talk I'm here most days. Take care & God bless!
April

[margypops]

Remove the PC

[tazmanforever]

I agree with you, verbatum.  I am the firm hand in the household, but, to be honest, didn't even know she had a "MYSpsace".  I shut it down immemdiately after I got the older boy to come to the house thinking I was my daughter on "MySpace".
I spent most of yesterday keeping to myself and I couldn't even look at her or speak to her.  It was pure disgust.
I am very honest and open with her about what these boys want, ( and I guess some of the girls as well), and tell her the same thing you told your daughter.  I even admitted to being one of those predatory boys when I was young, but of course, she's smarter than my wfe and I and we just don't understand.
My wife is the polar opposite.  LIBERAL.  She believes that restricting her will only push her away and fears not having an "open" relationship with my daughter.  This may have been a wake-up call for my wife, however.  
I feel that if this behavior continues, maybe we need to look at our parenting skills and possibly send her to boot camp or boarding school where I have seen some wayward kids get on the right track.
I didn't ground her like I did when she got caught drinking.  She still has phone privileges, she just has to stay in the same room with her mother or I while she is on the phone.  You are absolutely right about no over-nighters and the mall has been forbidden anyway.  
If she wants to go outside to talk with her friends, it has to be in my front yard and I have to be able to see her.
THE KICKER is that she spent the night at her friends house the night before.  I was looking at her "MySpace" conversation with him that night and found out that the only reason he didn't go to her friends house to get her was because he'd lost his keys.  GOD IS GOOD!
We, too, are a churchgoing Christian family.  After the first incident with her text messaging similar vulgarities, our ***'t Pastor began coming over every Tuesday to counsel the family.  Sometimes individually, sometimes my wife and I and sometimes as a group.  I really thought it helped.
THE NEXT KICKER is that both boys that this has happened with, that I know of, she met at her Wednesday night youth fellowship groups! (Different churches)  How's that for convenience.
The sad part for us is that she had just begun doing so much better.  Grades improved drastically, attitude was better, she had some freedom, (enough rope to hang herself), and she blew it.
The back talking isn't something she will pull with me.  She is constantly in a struggle with her mother and I have to step in most of the time, but there is no way she will back talk me.
Sorry to rant, but this has brought me to tears.  My little girl seems to be growing up to be a tramp, or so they say at her school.

Regards,
Taz

[tazmanforever]

The kids do not have access to a PC here at the house.  This is my work laptop that they are only permitted to use in my presence with my supervision.  It needs a passcode to even enter Windows, which they don't know.

[April2]

Oh boy, do I understand! Believe me! I worry about my daughter too. My husband says she's looking for love and he's afraid she will do whatever the boys want because she wants to be loved. I just don't understand it. She didn't come from a broken family or anything. She's not abused. She has a good home.
I think it's the environment they're growing up in. By that I mean their peers. This all is just so prevalent with the teens right now. Please, please be very careful that you don't ever let her think that you think she's acting like a tramp or that you're disgusted with HER. You can be disgusted with her BEHAVIOR but be careful that you let her know very clearly that you love her no matter what and that you will always be there for her. Otherwise, she's going to think that you don't love her anymore. She needs to know that your love is unconditional but that because you love her so much you cannot sit back and watch her hurt or destroy herself.
And yeah, we think the Church boys should be better but kids will be kids and their hormones are raging. Besides, something I've realized, a lot of kids (and adults) will say they're Christians and maybe even really think they are but they are not living for Christ. They are the Sunday morning Christians not the real life Christians. Unfortunately, it seems harder and harder to find the sincere ones. Still, kids struggle to be accepted, even if they grow up in a good Christian home. They want to fit in with their peers. That peer pressure is so strong! I'd just keep talking to her. Sit down with her and have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her your concerns. Tell her that it's because you love her that you are concerned about her. Ask her what she wants for her future. Do this when you both are calm and in a fairly good mood. Try to do this often. You may think she's not listening but I think it still gets in there. Try to do it in a way that doesn't come off as preaching or lecturing though. And just keep at it. Don't forget Christ sat down with the sinners, the prostitutes, the tax evaders, etc. He had compassion with them all and loved them all. We are supposed to model that. No one is perfect. We all are sinners saved by grace. We all make mistakes. She needs to know she's loved no matter what.

As far as the Myspace thing is, you have two options. You can let her have one but insist on her password and let her know you will be monitering it and she'd better not change the password. Or you can have her shut it down but I do have to warn you (I'm speaking from experience here!) if she wants one bad enough, she'll figure out how to have one without your knowledge. She can make up another one at a friends house or something. It's almost better to let her have one but have the password than tell her no and she winds up having one you're not aware of. Do you know what I mean?

Please, please be careful how you come across to her. Don't ever let her think you think she's a tramp or whatever. Instead, do what God does for us. He sees what we CAN be, what we WILL be. Remember Peter? Jesus never rebuked him for denying him. Instead he called him a rock that the church would be built on! He refused to look at his mistakes and shortcomings. He was looking into the future at what Peter would become! When you can do this you give them hope. If you can show you believe in them, then they can believe in themselves. Does that make sense? Just try it. And pray, pray, pray. Sometimes that's all I can do for my daughter. But like you said, God is good. My daughter's gone through a lot the last two years. Maybe someday I'll tell you the story. But God protected her from a lot and He's working on her. I can tell. It's just a slow process. Don't forget, He has to work with our free will, lol, and with these stubborn kids it can take a lot longer!
But try this. Just keep telling her "I believe in you. I believe in great things for you. You are better than this!!" And believe it yourself. Try and keep your eyes on the one who can help and not so much on the situation and start praying more positively. Thats' what I did. I kept reminding God of the scripture and saying "God, I KNOW you have good plans for my daughter! Your Word says so, so I believe it and stand on it." Claim all of God's promises back to Him. Praying that way is very effective because you're praying God's word back to Him and He cannot lie or break His promises!

One other book I think would be good for you and your wife to read (and your daughter too once you have finished it) is "She said Yes" by Misty Bernall. (I'm not sure if I spelled her last name right). Misty is Cassie Bernall's mother. Sound familiar? Cassie was the one shot at Columbine when one of the boys asked if she believed in God and she said yes and was shot and killed.
One thing that people don't realize is Cassie had a troubled past. She dabbled into some really dark things for awhile there and really was going down the wrong path. Her parents were scared and pulled her out of her school, put her in a Christian school, cut off all ties to her past friends and monitered her constantly. It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun. But one day she went to a youth camp and accepted Christ. She did a complete turnaround after that and started living for Christ. She was doing so well her parents allowed her to go back to public school. It was that year that she was shot. In the end of the book, Misty said she wrote the book to give hope to all parents that NO child is EVER too far gone for God to reach. It's a small book. It only costs about $5, I think. You may have trouble finding it because it's not in circulation anymore but what I did was go to my local Christian book store and requested it. They had to special order it for me. Anyway, I recommend you all read it. It's powerful. And it might give you some ideas as well as some hope. I wish you the best. Feel free to write back to me or send a pm if you need to talk. I'm just another parent of a teen who's been there. Take care.
April

[tazmanforever]

It's good to hear from another Christian the advice and scripture, especially one who is close to the same situation.
After reading your last post and going to MVPARENTS.com and reading some literature on how to handle the situation, I invited my daughter to the back deck and had a conversation with her.
I reassured her that I loved her and that I was her #1 fan.  I told her that she was not a bad person, but the things that she was doing/getting herself into weren't good.
I let her know that it is my responsibility as her parent to watch out for her and that it was going to take time to earn my trust back, but that she had done it before and the task was not an impossible one.
I let her know that she has a predisposition for alcoholism/drug abuse as much of my wife's family, including her parents, have active addiction problems and that alcoholism runs rampant in my family.
I would never use the word tramp in a discussion with her, rest assured, that was for venting purposes on this post, but did stress that boys who are looking for sex will gravitate toward the girls with the bad reputations and there is no respect in that.
Thank you for your help.  I needed it as I've been a wreck.
Regards,
Taz

[April2]

Awesome! It sounds like you handled that very well! Way to go, Dad! :)
I'll have to check out that website you mentioned.
Don't forget the book. I think you'd like it.
Take care & God bless!
April

[Agiesmom]

Great suggestions and support from April!

I have a 12 yo boy, so I have not been where you are right now, but I have seen my cousin's daughter there.  I just wanted to say that you sound like a really good dad and really seem to be on the right track--be relentless and keep doing what you are doing.  And your wife should not want to be her friend--my cousin's daughter's mother wanted this, but I told her that her daughter will have hundreds of friends in her lifetime, but only one mother.  It's a very different role and way more important than being a friend.

One more thing...kids may not realize this, but they want and need boundaries.  I had a friend when I was your daughter's age (and through high school) and her mother was so "cool"--she never grilled my friend about where she was going like my mom grilled me and this woman bought me birth control for my first sexual experience and she bought me a fifth of Southern Comfort for my 16th birthday.  She was a total idiot and totally irresponsible, but of course I didn't see that at the time.  And one day when I was complaining to this friend about how lucky she was because my mother wouldn't let me do anything and had to know every move I made, my friend said, "At least you know she cares."  That really changed my perspective of it all at the time.  So keep doing what you are doing.  Even if she thinks she hates you for it.

All the best to you and your family.

[tazmanforever]

This medhelp group has just been awesome.  Let's face it, I've said it before, these kids didn't come with a manual/instruction book.
I gave in to the "MySpace" thing, however, I hold the password and she gets online only when I'm around.
I had the "cool" liberal parents growing up.  They were all wrapped up with their own lives and pretty well let me do as I pleased.  I grew up in Santa Cruz, CA and, let's just say, couldn't stay out of trouble.
Becoming a father changed my whole perspective, as you can imagine, and these kids don't realize that every thought they've had or every deed they've done, I've already been there and can see it coming, (although I didn't expect sex to be such an issue at this age.).
Anyhow, thanks for the support.

[Jram]

WOW!  I applaud you for talking to that boy like that!!!

Previous posters have already given you a lot of advice, but I may suggest that if you are worried that she is not a virgin, you could take her to the ob/gyn.  And actually, that sounds like a good idea because who knows where that 16 year old boy has been.  

The ob/gyn can teach her all about the horrors of STDs and pregnancy, and also about issues with drugs/alcohol at such an early age.  

When I first went to the ob/gyn when I was about 13 (to get birth control, I had horrible cramps) the doctor was more than willing to offer lots of information.  Also, being completely naked and exposed like that is horrifying, maybe just the scare will calm down her behavior.

Good luck with this, nip it in the bud!

[ComputerGeek]

April2, you are spot on with your comments (even though I am only just now seeing them).  And tazmanforever, you too have your head screwed on right.  But I probably wouldn't have stopped with that boy.  I probably would have had a sit-down talk with his parents too!

We just had a special class start at our congregation tonight about parenting.  

The teacher said that with all the exposure people have to wrong messages in magazines, television, movies, etc., simply just telling kids to not have sex until they are married will no longer work.

One thing, for the first night, that really stood out is that society confuses love with sex.  They are not the same thing.  But one should definitely be a pre-condition to the other.  It was said that no child that doesn't fully understan love has any business getting involved with sex.  (That was just a statement for the parents in context with the lesson.)

God shows us the perfect sort of fully-giving and completely unselfish love by giving his son to die for us.  And Jesus himself showed us the same deep love by allowing that cruel murder on the cross to occur.

Any 14 year old can have sex.  But how many 14 year olds truly know how to love?  For that matter, how many 18 year olds know truly how to give themselves in a truly mature and loving manner to a partner?

It was said at the class that if we want pure kids we need to get our priorities right and teach them how to love in the way that God loves us.

We should teach them that God's purpose for their life is sexual purity - but also let them know that there will be struggles along the way, but that we are there to support them in their struggles.

(Sorry - I was just reading from my sparse notes.  It was just the introductory first day of class!)

One other thing was interesting.  The class teacher is actually the head of our youth group.  He gave lots of alarming stats on slides about when kids are first exposed to pornography and when they start experimenting with sex.  He said that his group at our congregation (boys and girls alike) are very open with each other and with him.  He said that 100% of them had been exposed (through deliberate seeking or by accident or at a friend's house) to pornography.  He said the one thing that helps keep things real and on an even keel for their youth group is beeing able to expose sin to the light of the Gospel of Christ... holding each other accountable but also knowing that Christ forgives.

The scripture given was this -
________________________________________________________

Ephesians 5: 1-14

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.  

Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.  

For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person--such a man is an idolater--has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.  

Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.  

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.  

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.  For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.  

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."  
________________________________________________________

Sorry if I sound all preachy and such.  But I thought it was an interesting first day of class and I thought some might also find some useful ideas here.


_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

By the way, this is supposed to be an EXCELLENT book for girls -

Every Young Woman's Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World

Buy it here -

http://www.amazon.com/Every-Young-Womans-Battle-Sex-Saturated/dp/1578568560
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Here is the book for guy's.  Same series, but a different (male) author -

Every Young Man's Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation

Get it here -

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1578565375/ref=pd_luc_sim_01_01
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There are other related books and workbooks (for class use) by the same two authors.

[April2]

I've heard about those books. I've heard good things about them.
For anyone who's interested, since it seems we have some Christians on here, my 16 year old daughter recommitted her life to Christ this Summer at youth camp and is a different child! I am just in awe of what God is doing. Gone is the anger and rebellion, the darkness, the depression. She has peace now and is acting happy. She no longer talks back. And now she says she wants to be a missionary and travel around the world telling people about God and sharing her testimony!
I hope this gives hope to other parents. Read Misty Bernell's book "She said yes", the story about Cassie Bernell, the girl who was shot at Columbine. She said no child is beyond the reach of God. God brought my prodigal, rebellious child back. Nothing is too hard for Him. You guys have no idea how far she had gone and how far she has come back or you'd see the miracle that has happened. And I had nothing to do with it! It was all God! She just grew tired of acting and feeling like that. I will always be grateful to God for what He has done.
tazman, I hope things are better. Keep praying. The prayers of a parent are powerful. I believe that. I prayed for almost 4 years before I saw this miracle. Don't give up! He is faithful.
Computergeek, thanks for sharing! That sounds like a wonderful class you had. I wish I would have had something like that years ago. We just have to keep learning and growing right along with our kids, I think. And pray! Never stop praying. You will see the fruits of your prayers in due time. God is good! :)
God bless you all!
April

[April2]

I guess I already recommended that book, lol. I didn't realize that until I looked back at my old notes. Oh well! It's still a good book for any parent with a teen to read! :)

[littlewoman101]

hi im a 13 y.o girl and i bet my dad would do the exact same thing and i think its good parenting. but being a 13 y. o it sort of scares me than girls my age are sexually active. my rule: fist time 17 or over.

p.s
my suggestion mabey she should be involved in more extra cericuler activites like sports or a camp or soon a job so shes busy more often and destracted from hanging out with bad influences! (works for me!)

[tazmanforever]

Well, she turned 14 on July 29 and was getting better for a while.  She was pleasant to be around and seemed to be doing well.
She in involved in several extra-curricular activities including seasonal sports and church, but come to find out, she's been ditching church to go to a nearby park with a 17 y.o. boy.  God only knows what's happened.  She also got caught with a pack of cigarettes at school on Friday.
I called the boy and informed him that under California State Penal Code section 261.5, I could feesably have him arrested for lewd and lascivious acts with a minor and if he came near her again, I'd do it.  I also informed the high school and reported his behavior as well as my daughters behavior.
I have made an OB appt. for her for next week to get checked for everything, including her hyman.
At this point, she doesn't leave my site except to go to school.  I've installed an alarm system that will trigger if her downstairs bedroom window opens or the front door opens and have made arrangements with the youth pastor at church to keep her at his side when she goes to church and call me if she isn't there.
I've also enrolled her in a mentoring class at the church so she has some one-on-one with a counselor.
Good Lord, when does this end?

[fung]

When reading your earlier post that all this brought tears to you, I cried. Im facing as much same behaviour problem as you with my 13 yo daughter , but who knows when does this end ? April took 16 years .As parents, just make sure we do our best            
I remember a quote from a filsuf name 'Gibran' saying
.... our children is  not our children, they are the son of the living itself..,
..... they are just coming 'through ' us ...
......they are with us, but not our right...
......We can make house for their body but not for their soul
.....because their soul will live in the house of future ,the house that we can no            
     longer visit, even in our dreams....

Wishing you the best.

[April2]

Tazman, my prayers are with you. Hang in there. I think that's the hardest years, 13-15, at least it was for my daughter. It sounds like you're doing everything right. Good for you! Kids will test the waters, some more than others but it happens. Just stay on top of things and keep talking to her. It's good that you've got her in a church youth group too, so she can get positive mentoring from others as well as you. You're doing everything exactly right!
But I feel for you! I've been there and don't want to go back! It will get better. Just take one day at a time.

Take care & God bless you. I wish all parents were like you!
You're welcome back here any time you want to talk or vent or ask questions. We're here!

Here's a cyber (((HUG))) ! It seemed like you needed one! :)
Love,
April

[tazmanforever]

I've enjoyed this group so much.  It's been a real blessing when parenting didn't seem like much of a blessing at all.

On a more personal note; I ended up checking my wife into a drug rehab facility today.  I found out four days ago that she has a severe drug problem and gave her the option to get out or go to rehab, (tough love isn't always easy.  Especially when it's with the woman you love eternally).

I bring this up because she hasn't been easy to live with and everyone in the house has been living under the false assumption that we HAD to be doing something wrong to make her such an unhappy, miserable person.  The kids and I, I have three others besides my fourteen year old, have been taking over her housework, cooking dinners, doing laundry, etc... in hopes that it would make her happier.  Her cousin intervened and told me about her drug problem four days ago, God Bless her, and I confronted her about it that night.

Hindsight being twenty-twenty, my daughters behavior, although inexcusable, seems to be making more sense to me now.  Being the child of an addict is not easy and she was acting out because of the situation.

Upon finding out I, once again, called the church to make them aware of what's going on, called the kids schools and spoke with their guidance/school counselors and asked them to meet with the kids once a week and have arranged for them to start the Alateen program for the children of addicts and/or alcoholics.  I am a recovering addict with 15 years under my belt this month, by the grace of God, and I feel like such a fool!  I feel like I should have seen it, but my wife is the LAST person that anyone would suspect of substance abuse.

I appreciate all of the hugs and prayers as well as the incredible feedback that I get from this group.

God Bless,
Chris

[April2]

God bless you, Chris! You are an awesome dad and husband! Your wife will be so grateful to you that you had the guts to step in and help her once she's over this hump. She won't appreciate it yet but she will, I promise you. And your kids will see the positive example you are setting for them. Too many parents keep their kids in the dark hoping they won't find out but kids aren't stupid. They usually know just enough to feel helpless, afraid, angry and uncertain. You are being open and honest with them. This will go a long ways with helping them get through this. I think it would be a good idea, too, to share your past experiences and struggles and how you overcame. This will give them hope that their mother will do the same.
And you are so right. Kids act out when things are troubled at home. You are on the right road now! Unfortunately, you're in the hardest part right now. You've opened some ugly wounds but that has to be done for the healing to begin. Now you can all head down the road to recovery and become stronger for all you've gone through. Just make sure you never disrespect their mother to them, but don't excuse her behavior either. They need to learn we all are human and weak and can make mistakes and she should be loved and supported during this time.
I'm so proud of you! So many people would have either buried their heads out of fear and not wanting to deal with it or they would have simply given up and kicked the person out of their house instead of wanting to help. Your kids see that. This will teach them to be compassionate yet strong adults some day. Kudos to you, dad! Keep up the good work and know you can always come here if and when you need to talk. God bless you, Chris! You all are in my prayers.
(((Hugs!)))
April

[tazmanforever]

April, thanks for the encouragement, I really need it at this point.  I'm most interested in getting out of the problem and into the solution, which I've really been trying my hardest to do.  It just seems like everytime I start to stand up, I get knocked right back down.
For example, I am able to accept and deal with the fact that she is an addict, that I can handle, but then I got a phone call from the rehab center urging me to take my breast-fed 2 year old to the pediatrician immediately as he may start detoxing.
Next, I find out that her father was the one giving her the heroin.
Next, today I drove my father-in-law to the bank and on the way back he yells, "PULL OVER!  That guy owes me money."  I pull over and he gets out of the car talks to the guy and they both get in my car, (this was a big scary dude and not the best part of town.).  Next thing I know, as I'm driving, my father-in-law is buying dope from this guy in my CAR!

I also found out that my mother-in-law was also supplying my wife with drugs as well as this lady that come by the house that my wife is friends with.

I don't know what to do.  I've been on my knees in prayer pretty much non-stop.

I just feel so insane right now.

The one positive is that this experience has helped me and all of my kids bond, almost like we're holding onto each other for dear life.

[April2]

Oh man! You really DO have a mess! First of all, you MUST distance yourself from everyone doing and selling drugs. You don't want to endanger your children and let me tell you, drug business is dangerous business! You need to explain firmly to ALL your family members and friends that you will not participate in or have anything to do with drugs. You really need to do this for the safety of your family and to set a good example (and apparently the only good example they have right now).

I'm so sorry you are going through this. And I'm so sorry about the 2 year old. Poor baby. I will keep you all in my prayers. Please be careful and keep in touch, ok?

God bless you!
In His name,
April

[aneedakilluh]

Wow, I'm 16 reading this and wow, she really needs Jesus.

I'm praying for your family.

[tazmanforever]

So, as an update, the horror continues.  About a month ago, my wife and I got a phone call from the house that my daughter was to be staying the night.  I guess it was my daughter, but all we heard was moaning and groaning.  I hung the phone up and called back and a young lady answered.  Before I had a chance to say anything, she quipped, "I'll get her for you right now", and put the phone by my daughter.  I hung up and called right back and before the young lady could speak, I said, "Tell me where the f*** you live so I can come and get my daughter!", (I'm not usually much of a high strung man, but I was frightened and angry at what could have happened to my daughter.
I got the address and went straight over to find my daughter, DRUNK, curled up in a ball and vomiting.  Without a word, I grabbed her up and took her out to our van, (the whole time she was vomiting and my wife was screaming and yelling at the people in the house.)
I checked her pulse and it was good and strong and continued to check on her for alcohol poisoning.  The whole ride home all she kept saying was"f*** you dad, you mother f***er", etc...  I grabbed a pillow and a blanket and stuck her in the downstairs bathroom.  This was the third time I had caught her drinking, but it has never been as bad as it was that night.  She is grounded for four months at this point.
She also has a very nice, well rounded boyfriend that I like quite a bit.  The weekend after "the incident" we had him over as he has been very concerned about her.  The rule was that, because she's grounded, they had to stay inside the house.
At about 2:00 in the afternoon, I came downstairs and noticed they weren't in the house, so I went out the back door and around to the side gate thinking I might catch them kissing or my daughter smoking.  As I came around the front of the house, I could see straight into the back of my van and they were in there making out.  Once the boyfriend noticed me, they stopped and I saw her putting on her pants.  I lost it, just flipped out.  Had the boyfriend in tears afraid that I was going to beat him and they were both afraid that I wansn't ever going to let them see each other again.
She's in church as well as the youth group and a church youth mentoring program.  I pray and pray and continually try talking to her.  At this point, I have let her know that with one more mess up, I've already got her set up to go to a prep/boarding school and it is no idle threat.  As much as I hope it doesn't come to that, maybe that's exactly what she needs.
Gosh I hope my younger daughter learns from my older daughters mistakes.

[April2]

Gosh, Chris, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I think you're going to have to pull in the reigns on her. I had to do that with my daughter for awhile there. I grounded her from everything but church and youth group or family activities.
I'd not let her do the sleepovers anymore. She's going to have to earn your trust back. Make sure she understands that. Let her know that the reason why she can't have freedom right now is because she's made some poor choices and has proven that she can't be trusted at this time. SHE made that decision. Make sure she knows that. It's not you being mean. And when you do start letting her have sleepovers again, make sure you know exactly who she's with and talk to the parents ahead of time to make sure there's adults there. Don't trust the kids. Kids will try to get by with anything they can. I got tired of the sleepovers when I saw how much trouble my two oldest would get into when they'd sleep over at friends and I got to the point where I said "No sleepovers, period." It was a long, long time before I let my daughter have one again and it was at my house where I could watch them.

Your daughter has been out of control for awhile now and she can't be trusted right now. Monitor everything she does. Don't let her go anywhere but school, church or family activities. Check her Myspace daily. In fact, I'd get a monitor put on your computer to check everything, every site visited. We use on called Spectasoft.

If she wants friends over, they must be within sight of you or her mom at all times. If she complains, remind her that she brought this upon herself by making such poor choices and when she can prove that she can make good choices and stops breaking your trust that you will give her freedom back little by little. She needs to be held accountable for every action. She participated in the sex and drinking. She needs to be held accountable for that. Tell her that when she starts acting better you will let up and start to give her some freedom but if she blows it, then it's back to square one, that you will pull in the reigns again. Keep doing this until she understands you're serious.

I'm telling you everything I had to do with my own daughter. We went through a lot for about 3 years but let me tell you something, she did get tired of her actions and as she told me, she got tired of being grounded all the time! And just last Summer she came back to Christ at a youth retreat and is a different kid today. I kid you not. She's completely turned her life around. She'll be 17 this week. I couldn't be more proud of her. It was a long time in coming, though, but I didn't give up.
Don't give up on your daughter. One day she will appreciate how much you fought for her and was there for her. Stay strong and hang in there. It will get better, I promise.
And please feel free to come back anytime you need someone to talk to or just vent to. God bless you. My prayers are with you all.

[15goingonextinct]

is your child depressed? i am 15 and me and my friends are depressed. though i don't many of my friends get drunk and do drugs.

[ohfailthful]

Your daughter is the same age as my daughter, 13, and I have had a terrible year with her!  That said GET RID OF THE COMPUTER UNLESS FOR HOMEWORK!  Harsh, I agree but desperate times call for desperate measures!  I sent emails to both myspace and facebook telling them that my daughter was underage and giving them her email address and page name, etc. and told them to please delete the accounts!  They deleted them and sent me emails confirming it!  I then restricted everything with Vista and when I'm not home the network is down so all she can do is homework!  She is not allowed at sleepovers, etc., and I took every electronic thing away, including ipod, and other music and she has to EARN everything back one item at a time.  The phone will be the last priviledge that she gets back...if she makes other errrors in judgement, then we start over again!!!  

She ran away to the mall after meeting a boy at her older friends birthday party when I told her she could not talk to him on the phone or see him!!!  On the facebook page he was pressuring her into having sex and she was considering it!  She attends a cathollic school and I could not believe it!  I have been open and honest about sex with her since she was young so we have no problems discussing it but she is too young to date.  Dating can begin in our house at 16!  Needless to say she is in SHOCK that she cannot watch television, play her music, talk on the phone, use the computer, or go anyplace...but those are the consequencs for her actions.  In addition, she had to write three page papers on RESPECT, RESPONSIBILITY, AND MORALS AND VALUES!  She just finished those paper and earned one priviledge back.  However, I just pulled it back because she has been sneaking and using my cell phone, now I have added a code and dropped text messaging from my plan!

For whatever reason, the world that we live in is trying to take our children, but we must stand firm and say these are my rules and these are the rules you will live by so that you stay SAFE!

God Bless us ALL!!

[tazmanforever]

I finally had enough.  My daughter that I originally started this post about turns 15 today and between her and her sister, (13 months younger), I was pulling my hair out.  How fine is that "line" that we as parents draw?  Who should we allow our kids to be friends with?  Why do they think they're smarter than us?

I have taken everything away from my oldest daughter to the point of picking out 3 complete outfits for her to wear out of her wardrobe and she could'nt wear anything else.  I've done this to the oldest a few times and once already to the younger one.

I had them in church and they managed to find trouble there as well.

I finally put my foot down and told both girls and my 9 year old son that this **** was all stopping immediately.  I put my house in the suburbs on the market and bought a 2 acre lot with a 3 bedroom house in the middle of NOWHERE!

We live directly across from a fantastic Baptist Church and I've explained to all of the kids that they WILL NOT FAIL!  As long as I have a breath in my body I will do whatever it takes to see them through high school and into college.

We are 45 minutes from ANY metropolitan area and the high school consists of 250 students total.  Last June, 8 people graduated from that school.  We live within 1-5 miles from 4 lakes and recreation areas and I haven't even called to get a satellite for TV.

After my oldest brought me home a 1.5 gpa on her last report card, I came up with a new idea.  Ya have to be creative with restrictions or the kids just get used to them.  The deal was that she has to do work around the house and yard Monday thru Friday for 2 hours a day in order to have a friend come over on the weekend or even step foot out our front door.  No TV, No Phone, No Cell, NO NOTHING!  

Unfortunately, I had the God awful misfortune of walking in on her and her boyfriend, (who is actually really scared of me), having sex on my living room floor.  I yelled upstairs to my wife that they were f*****g, (excuse that please), and her first reaction was to shove me out the back door and get him out of the house.  I couldn't look at my daughter or speak to her for a week after because I had that nauseating image in my head.  No parent should ever have to see that.  It felt like my heart fell into my stomach.  Regardless of age or beyond behavior, she's my baby.  

We finally started talking after we'd been at the new place for 5 or 6 days.  I told her that I didn't approve of her being sexually active, but that she'd really left me no choice but to put her on birth control.  Let's face it, read this whole post and you'll see a really messed up pattern of behavior and I don't care to be a grandfather anytime soon.  I also asked that if she does continue to be sexually active to please use a condom as well as birth control.  

I don't mean to keep rambling on, but I am at a loss right now.  The boy she had intercourse with was her boyfriend of 7 or 8 months.  By almost all accounts he's a pretty neat kid.  Because of my value system, I've encouraged my daughter not to "break up" with this boy as she'd given him her body and that should be held in the highest regard.

I know that may sound strange to some, especially at their ages, but before he can visit, him and his parents have to come and sit down with me so we can chat.  

I do have to say that in the days since we started speaking again, things have been pretty nice.  There is alot of free time to spend as a family right now and we're taking advantage.  The kids have barely argued, my youngest can ride his electric quad all over our driveway and a good patch of the property without us worrying about cars or strangers and we're talking and/or listening to music.  I really, really hope that this is a solution.

Thank you for all the support.

Taz

[Peach1978]

I had super strict parents when I became a preteen. Strict as in, being 12 years old still with a bedtime of 7:30pm (and in northern Canada it doesn't even get dark until after 11:00pm). They would ground me for weeks if I was 10 or 15 minutes late after school or coming from a friend's house. I was of course the oldest of all three kids. By the time I was 15, I remember making the conscious decision that I was not going to listen to my parents and I was going to follow a boy out to a party. Before that, I hadn't drank, did drugs - even smoked a cigarette let alone have sex. That night however, my poor choice let to being drunk for the first time, some crazy girls put a needle in my vein and the next morning I discovered a neck full of hickies and realized that I had been raped - as someone else told me - by five different boys. Some were over 18 at the time which would have made what they did statutory rape.

After that incident, I was much trouble for my mom. I ran away, I came back, I would party all the time, engage in promiscuous behaviour and have even brought it to my parents house. I have thrown parties at their house and really, I caused a lot of chaos. My mom kicked me out of the house twice and the the second time I came back - she made me pay $100 in rent a month. I had to financially earn my keep. She didn't accept any s**t from me.

Now, I'm not saying that kicking me out of the house was a good idea (I ended up in some really dangerous and compromising situations and could have ended up dead) but she was strict with me...which...may have been a tough way to go.

Now, suited to my personality, I do believe there were more gentler ways to handle this situation that I had developed with my parents/mom. As an adult (I'm 31 years old now), I wish she would have gone to counseling with me. I wish she would have talked to me in a gentle way - listened to what I had to say. Instead, my mom engaged in a lot of yelling, screaming and abusive situations. I really feel like this could have been handled in a better way because at my core, I was a really good kid (involved in sports, student's union, peer support, etc).

When I was in grade 7, I revealed to my parents that I had been molested when I was a child and my teacher helped bring my step-dad and mother into a counseling session to help me tell them. Their reaction was somewhat disengaged and reactive. They said "well I didn't know that" - indicating that it wasn't their fault. Instead, I wished they would have hugged me, acted like they were concerned or even cared about me.

Interestingly enough, as good of a job as I could have done in taking responsibliity of my own emotions at that age, my parents didn't follow through with their role as supportive parents and I felt like they really didn't care about me at all. After hearing the news, they never did speak to me about it again. Perhaps this is what made it easy for me to make the bold move of consciously deciding to leave a school dance with a boy and stay at a party where clearly, I shouldn't have been.

After my tumultuous years of "experiamenting" with things such as those your daughter is going through right now, I have come to learn that I am an alcoholic and attend regular AA meetings (there is no Alateen) and Alanon (for loved ones of alcoholics). I have also engaged in years of therapy to address childhood issue, teen issues, issues with my parents, self-esteem, self-worth....it has all been very helpful.

At the age of 23 when I had my twin daughters, my mom never had any hope that I would actually graduate. At the age of barely 25, I had my third child and a year later I graduated with a University Degree and went on for a Masters Degree and have won a national role model award in Canada. I have since had a successful career.

From my experience of being a teenage mess, all I can say is that your daughter needs all of the love and support she can get. It really seems that you are doing as much as you can right now and you should be commended for that. Continue to make efforts to support her but don't be a door mat - this will not help her and will only contribute to a weak character. She needs you right now more than she even understands. Sometimes, all we can do is pray and love and hope that our thoughts and words manifest into something beautiful.