14 year old daughter

I am the mom of 5 daughters. My oldest who is 14 and I have had a really good relationship up until January. Let me begin by giving a little back ground. I was 18 when I had her and had no family or support system backing me on being a single mom as I was a horrible foster child and had a rocky start in adult hood. So I began letting her dad take her on weekends and did my best to finish growing up. Unfortunetly, I was drinking on these weekends and experimenting with drugs off and on. The circumstances in which my second daughter came into this world, through me into a manic depression. For the first 6 months of my second daughters life, I was anorexic, couldn't sleep, only ate to get my girls to eat and had attempted suicide a couple times. I was NOT fit to raise anyone when I couldn't care for myself. I signed my girls over to their dads and moved away to focus on my own issues, away from the people around me, making everything harder to deal with sober. After years of counceling, a horrible marriage, and the births of 2 premature daughter's, I was strong enough to return full time. When I came back, I found that my oldests step-mom was very abusive and neglected the basic needs of my daughter. It took me years of gathering evidence and regaining my credibility before I took her dad and step-mom to court over the emotional and mental abuse by the step-mom. Dad divorced the woman, gave me joint custody (unsupervised) and we began the next 7 years of healing our daughter.
During the 7 years, I had my youngest daughter, married a wonderful and supportive husband, and regained a pretty good friendship with my daughters dad. Then her dad remarried another young women with no children of her own and the problems began. No, not from the new step-mom, but from my daughter. Telling horrible stories about the other family to which ever family she was with, manipulating and causing problems between all her parents and siblings, and an obvious amount of hostility towards us all. After finally being done being mad at her dad for 6 months this January, she began attacking me and the rest of my family emotionally and mentally.
I found out last June that I have cancer. I had a tumor growing for several years that went undetected. By the time we found it, I also had secondary cance from it spreading. When I was first diagnosed, everything looked the worst and my survival rate was very low. After surgeries and chemo, things look 100% better and after radiation next month, I will be in remission. In January, I found some "sexting" on her cell phone and sent to her to her room while I had a cup of tea and regained my composure. I talked with her very calmly, obviously taking away the cell phone, being dissapointed in her choices, but loving her and believing in her that this mistake would not lead to disaster. And yes, she was grounded for the first time in her life. The following weeks, she began to tell stories about her friends and things that were occuring at school. I called her out on the falsehoods and told her to tell me the truth. So I became her worst enemy I guess.
In February, she wrote me a horrible angry letter practically stating I gave myself cancer to make everyone feel sorry for me and I was a horrible mom. She also claimed that her sister with Asperger's was not autistic and that I have made her the way she is. Although I can disprove all of her accusations with mediacl records and such, I refused to send them as knowing her, it would fuel her fire and cause her to come up with something worse. I instead sent her a letter telling her that I love her unconditionally no-matter what she says or does and would always be here for her. Ofcourse she was home with me over the course of these letters and continuing to build steam. She ran away out her bedroom window while I was in the kitchen. She finally called her dad who I was on the phone with out searching for her, and I told him to pick her up and take her home to his house. I received another letter a few days letting laughing at my "attempts to make her apart of my family." That she no longer "needed or wanted me in" her life. So I continue to write letters loving her and hoping she will come around, but her younger sisters are having a harder and harder time in the absence. Not the 13 year old who wants to, "knock her on her preppy *** and sell it to her straight", but the 11 and 12 year olds. The 11 year old became very sad last night as they were very close and was so distraught over missing her, I had her write her a letter that I will send today. I feel like an arm has been stolen from me and cannot imagine the pain her sisters are in and do not know how to help them through this.
Please any advice will surely help us. Thanks for reading.

[bernie40]

I felt my constricting as I read your honest and difficult story.  It sounds to me like your daughter is carrying a lot of anger inside her.  She has had a difficult childhood (please I am not criticising you or her father when I say this as I realise it was down to circumstances and you both did what you could).  Has your daughter ever received any counselling?  It maybe that she needs someone unbiased, like a psychologist to talk to, to her help work through all the things she has gone through.

You are doing the exact right thing by not reacting to her verbal attacks and by continuing to tell her you love her and will be there for her.  It shows what a strong person you are.

Speak with her Dad about trying to get her into counselling - they may even provide a service through her school.

Good luck, I'm sure with such level headed parents she will come through this.

[opiateswon]

Thank you sooo much for posting. Her dad doesnt believe in counceling so I will have to talk to her school councilor and see if I can help her. Her dad has always had a much firmer hand with her as I have always been trying to over compensate for A) not being there and B) the abuse she went through with her step mom. I am hoping she will open the door to me again soon, even just in letters. I still have hope atleast. Thank you again.