About to lose my mind with too many opinions

[J1972]

I have been married for 7 yrs and have a 16 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. for several years before I was married, we lived with my mom off/on.
my husbands 12 yr old son lives with us too and we have a 3 yr old together. my husband is very strict on all of the kids. for the past three years, my daughter has been getting very angry about the rules and whenver she cant get her way, she calls her grandma and complains. My daughter is angry because we are strict and she wants to hang out with her friends and she even said that we were abusing her by not letting her have a social life....we told her that when she can be respectful, do her school work, chores and we meet her friends, then she can go out more. Whenever my daughter calls my mom about something, my mother calls me and questions me about everything we do with the kids. My mom says that my husband has no right to discipline my daughter because he is not her father and I am choosing a man over my child.
My husband gets angry because he says that I am not hard enough on my daughter and that I listen to my mother instead of him (which is not true)
Everyone had a HUGE blowup last week and there was all kinds of ugly things said and my daughter went to go stay with my mom. We agreed that we would go to family counseling.
I told my daughter last night that she needed to come back to OUR home if we were going to work this out and she got very angry.  I told her that I was going to pick her up today so she can go home.
My mother called me this morning angry,saying that my daughter was up all night crying and why I am making her go home if nothing has changed?  I am trying to tell them that nothing WILL change if she is not at home.
My mom thinks she should stay there for a month or two until we have a lot of counseling and then she should go home.
My husband is again mad, saying that I have no control over my daughter and if I do not show him that I have control, he does not want her to ever come back to our house.

He even said that if my daughter doesnt come back today, that my 3 yr old can never see her sister or mother again and my mom babysits the baby while I work.

I dont know what to do....

[teenssmom]

I feel for you; you must be ready to scream or worse.  I am not divorced, but it is my understanding that in houses where step families work, the biological parent does the discipline.  The other parent only backs up the bio parent and pretty much stays out of it.  It sounds like you are putting restrictions on your daughter, not because you think it is right, but because your husband is making you feel like your not doing your parenting correctly.  

Of course your teenage daughter wants to hang out with her friends.  Didn't you at her age?

Your husband's comment that you'll never see your 3-yr again is positively frightening.  It sounds like the kind of threat a crazy person makes before he takes the child and disappears for 17 years.  I'm glad you're getting family counseling.

Tell your husband that you will get your daughter if he agrees to greet her lovingly when she comes home.  Your mom has a point that you don't want to bring her home and make her even more upset.  My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best.

[Darkestlight]

If my husband threatened me about my daughter wether he was her father or not. I'd have beat the **** out of him and put him in his place. I raise my kids how I want, not how someone else wants me to.

[RockRose]

Your husband sounds like a nut,  J.  A control freak and a nut.  Up until your last sentence I could see your point of view.  I wouldn't let my 16 year old just leave the house and go hang out with friends I've never met,  either.    There will often be one or two in a crowd I haven't met,  but my teenage boys don't just leave to go hang out somewhere with people I've never heard of - the guys come through the house sometimes,  and I've known them awhile.  

DId you misspeak in your last sentence?  I suspect you meant to say the 3 year old can't see your mother or daughter again if she doesn't come home today?

I think your mother is completely right,  your house is not the place for your teenager.  What is he so angry about?

[MrsVain]

RockRose sounds like the nut! You are correct in your thinking!! I had an issue like this. sounds like your mom is having a hard time letting go, since she helped you all those years. i had the same problem with my mom, and your mom is the one spoiling the daughter. she doesnt have to agree but she does have to respect. it wasnt pretty with my mom, i had to threaten that if she wouldnt back me up and raise her the way i wished then she wouldnt babysit. my mom was really upset about that and threatened to take me to court to take my daughter from me, which i told if she tried then she would never see my kids again ever. Of course i didnt mean it (as i am sure your husband didnt either) but it worked, my mom raged for a while and then actually agreed she was wrong and overstepping.

i dont think your husband is doing anything wrong. (except for that last comment, which he was probably just blowing up) You are lucky if he is treating your daughter the same way he is treating his own. there are rules in your house that your daughter has to follow and they dont sound like bad rules to much. more power to you for making those rules. you dont want your daughter running wild. and your rules are not abusive but any standards. Well, except the standards of a teenager. LOL.

the only thing i think you messed up on was letting your daughter go to your moms in the first place. not only do you need to tell your mom, she is your child and you decided what her rules are, but you need to tell your daughter the same. And i completely support your decision that she needs to come back home whether she likes it or not.

It is not JUST THE BIOLOGIAL PARENT doing the discipline. you and your husband both have to agree what those rules are going to be. write them on a poster board and post them in the kitchen. so everyone can see and follow them. 7 years is a long time so she was what 8ish when you got married? that is plenty of time for her to think of him as daddy and not just your husband. And your mom is VERY wrong in saying he is not her father. he might not be the sperm donor that created her, but he has been her FATHER from the day you got married. this doesnt have anything to do with "my" daughter "your" son, this is normal teenage behavior even with both biological parents under that same roof, your issue is made more challanging due to your mothers interferance, even if it is in the best intentions. time for you to cut the apron strings, and you and your husband raise your daughter together.

and most importantly YOUR RULES "....we told her that when she can be respectful, do her school work, chores and we meet her friends, then she can go out more. " are VERY GOOD RULES!!! Maybe let her friends go to your house instead. my kids are not allowed on the phone or allowed to go all over town just beuase they want to.

good luck and god bless.

[RockRose]

MrsVain,  I'm always a little curious how people on the internet decide that a poster didn't actually mean what he says - what gives you the confidence to decide her husband didn't mean what he said?

Maybe he didn't,  we can all only go by what she is stating.  

I did say in my post,  quite clearly,  that up until that last sentence I thought her home situation was okay.  It's the last sentence,  where he decides the 3 year old can't see her sister ever again if she doesn't come home that day.

Even saying that in anger is a concern.

[margypops]

I think you need to work it out before your daughter goes back to your house and you need to ask for help to show your husband that this is the right way,whilst she is at your Moms house,  you need to protect and see your childs point of view, your Mom is correct, your husband has to accept he is hard and he needs counselling. I think he has perhaps a few jealousy issues about your relationship with your daughter and your Mom.,

[mima09]

OH my.....I just went through this last year with my 16 year old daughter.  She lived with me and my Fiance'.  She was really out of hand with a boy in my area.....I had to send her back to her fathers hoping it would straighten her out and to get her away from the boy that at one time he told me use to do drugs......Her personality changed so much I swore she was on them too....so i figured her dad (being the strict one) could handle her...well she ran away one weekend to be with that boy and found out what he was about...anyway she loves horses and decided to work at a horse farm that her horse was boarding at and things seemed to be fine and then boom she gets pregnant.....(not by the bad boy) but by a boy that is actually a hard worker.......I think she did this to be rebellious towards me for sending her to her dad and to her dad for remarring.....needless to say it was to a nurse practioner for a OB/GYN.....so beleive me she knew about birth control.........I pray for you because I understand what you are going through.....but i will say!!!! DO NOT LET ANY MAN COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER.  HE KNEW WHEN HE MARRIED YOU THAT YOU HAD A DAUGHTER AND THINGS WILL GET TOUGH.  My daughter is moving back in with me to have this baby....At first my finance' was a gainst it....I told him my daughter needs me, if you can't handle it then i will leave.   She is under 18 and I feel obligation no matter what to my children.   I wish I would have never made her go back to her dads but everything happens for a reason.......She is actually so sweet right now and taken such good care of herself.....I pray she doesn't somehow use this baby against me....but it's a chance i am willing to take.  God bless and be strong.....In twenty years from now how do you want to look back at this?  Do you ever want to have the question is there more I could have done for my daughter?  

[Jen565]

I am so sorry you are going through this! First off, I feel like your husband is overstepping his boundaries by saying your daughter can't come back and that your 3 yo can't see their family. That sounds like he is pulling a power trip and that is not okay. Your daughter needs to know boundaries, it sounds like you were placing boundaries on her and she didn't like it. That is too bad but that is they way it is. They only problem I see here is the blow up that occurred. Even if she is taking a fit over the rules the only thing you need to say is "we love you, I am sorry you feel upset but these are our rules. you do your part and we will do ours." If she slams doors, calls names and so on, just understand that this is what she is suppose to do, she is a teenager. It is important that your husband understands this. When his son gets to that age he too will do the same thing and I am sure he would not like it if you said he couldn't live with you guys.

I am not only the mother of two 15 yo boys myself; one my son and one my stepson. I realize blended families can be a challenge.  I am also an intervention specialist at a high school that works with troubled teens and their parents. The biggest mistake I see happen is that parents play against each other and the kid loves it when it happens. You and your spouse are the parents, you should not be parenting separately. I do not agree with the commenter earlier who said that the biological parent does the parenting. You all have to live in the same house and you both are authority figures. You should sit down and compromise on the rules, write them down and then enforce them as a solid couple. Once your daughter sees that you are a team, undivided, she will calm down. It will take time, it take patience of gold and a good sense of humor. I highly recommend the book "yes,your teenager is crazy" it is fabulous and you and your spouse should read it together.

Get your daughter back home, your mom is not her mom just tell her so. Grandma's can be very overprotective but your daughter can't think she can run their and trump your parenting when she doesn't like it. Apologize for things said, even if she doesn't. Tell her you love her and you never meant to say those hurtful things, that you were frustrated and angry. Teens are understanding and usually their anger is only fear of not being loved..I hear this from teens I work with a lot! Good luck sweetie, take a deep breath and talk with your husband before your daughter comes home.

[babygirl6152]

GOODNESS! Don't listen to what mom or dad or grandma says when it is driven by anger.  When things are said in anger by me I usually wish I could take it back.... It's not going to matter much what we say- The adults in the situation need counseling if for no other reason than to get on the same page about backing each other up. My son who is now 30 tried this at age 17- he had a lawyer friend that he would call up and go visit every time he didn't like our house rules. The lawyer said he was paying him to "house sit" for the weekend---- in other words my son was getting out of our rules by saying he was being paid to do a job? Who could ague with that? uh- ME!!!!!
The teen girl here is learning to manipulate everyone maybe? "Feel sorry for me- I have such a horrible life!!!!" Grandma needs to tell her to deal with her parents and abide by their rules because they have her best interest at heart- they may not be perfect but they are all being torn up when grandma inserts her "wisdom"

[J1972]

thank you, everyone, for your comments.

In my last sentence, I did not mean to imply that my husband said that I would never see my children!!!  He was talking about my mother. He has since calmed down and no longer feels that strong.  But, my daughter is still at my mom's.  My mom is not helping the situation bcause she keeps telling me that my teen daughter and my husband will "just never get along"  I keep telling her that is not true because my daughter used to get along with my husband better than me.  I feel like my mom is not encouraging her to come home.

I told my daughter the other day that her attitude with me is getting worse and she needs to come home and deal with her problems.  She said if I made her come home, she would run away.  I wanted to make her come home anyway, but my husband said no...to leave her at my moms.

I agree now that I should have never let her leave the house and all I want is my family back.

[Kage_no_Taren]

You -are- choosing your husband over your daughter.  And given that' that's the case, and plain as day for both your mother and your daughter to see, it makes sense that she doesn't want to go home.  Don't make her, if she doesn't want to, it'll only make things worse.  

[Kage_no_Taren]

I understand why your perspective on this is skewed, but adolescence is not a mental illness, or even a defined stage of development.  I am disappointed that someone who works with teenagers would recommend a book suggesting that it is.  

[stepmomofbpdsd]

I found this post and the one you posted on another thread. As unpopular as I may be with those on this post who think your poor teen is just behaving like all others her age, I disagree. Your teen is triangulating every adult in her life and successfully pitting them against each other to fight over her. Though a push for more independence is a normal part of development, oppositional behavior for the sake of it is not. Glad to see you found your way to another post, but wanted to give you a virtual "you aren't the one who's crazy" hug here. I'm sending you info on a site for bpds and their families, and recommend you join asap, and order a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells. Welcome to the answer to your prayers for advice and understanding (well it's at least a place to start, bc as some questions are answered many more will surely manifest!)

I am a stepmom, but having been walking on the same "eggshells" as you for five years.
Z

[Kage_no_Taren]

So from a couple of posts you have now diagnosed a girl you have never seen or met with...borderline personality disorder?  What are your qualifications for doing so?  
Assuming that you have any, I will address to you the same questions that I would to another person with at least basic psychological training.  
Have you considered the impact of an apparently stressful environment on her behavior?  That this may be a reaction to internal stressors rather than an internal disorder?
Have you noticed that she only began exhibiting this behavior at the beginning of adolescence, when borderline personality disorder typically develops in toddlers?
Does she actually meet 5 of the diagnostic criteria, in your opinion, and if so, which ones?
For the record, I just refreshed my memory on them, and she doesn't seem to me to meet any of them.  For the sake of discussion, I'll post them here:
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:  

  1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

  2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

  3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

  4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

  5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

  6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

  7. chronic feelings of emptiness

  8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

  9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Also, from the DSM IV TR: Adolescents and young adults with identity problems (especially when accompanied by substance abuse) may transiently display behaviors that misleadingly give the impression of Borderline Personality Disorder. Such situations are characterized by emotional instability, "existential" dilemmas, uncertainty, anxiety-provoking choices, conflicts about sexual orientation, and competing social pressures to decide on careers.

Here is the link from which I have gotten my information, do with it what you will: http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm