Absent father~ is raising sons with step dad better than being a single mom

Hi there.  I am newly remarried to a great man with his own 7 year old son.  He has 60 percent custody and sees his son every day.  He is the one responsible for getting this child to soccer practice, other sports activities, and he is with us the entire weekend, every weekend.

Now for my background info...I was divorced from my sons father in 2006 after emotional andphysical abuse on myself nd my sons.  The sons are now 11 and 14.  It took two years to prove the ongoing abuse wheile the ex had visitation before the courts took away the fathers' rights and only offered him supervised visits, which ne never exercised.  Not once.  He has since been charged and pled guilty to abusing his next wife, and some prson outside of a bar.  On probation for these assaults until 2014.  My sons do not wish to have contact with him.

So, my question is, my oldest is just turning 14 and dealing with the testosterone.  He witnesses the great father my husband is to his little boy.  He is mourning the loss of a good father during his childhood.  I have begun counseling for him.  My new husband welcoms by two sons to do the activities he likes to do with his son, which my two alsways liked to participate in, until recently.  (My husband and I dated for a few years before marrying and when my two sons were younger, they participated in these activities.)  Now that one is in hight school, one in jr high, they are trying to separate a little from their new, "second grader" brother.  So now the time with my new husband., their only father figure, is limited.

Do you think they were better off with me as a single mother, working more than full time, commuting, raising two boys alone and struggling?  Or better off now as a stay-at-home mom, with a husband (role model) whos first focus is his own son?

[AnnieBrooke]

Are you thinking of leaving the man because your sons might be grieving that their dad was an abusive jerk?  I can't see that removing from their world the only man who is acting like a decent human being would improve things, even if he is an active father to his 5-year-old and doesn't seem to give them as much.  Are you keeping score, or are the boys keeping score?  If so, please try not to.  He sounds like a pretty good man.  You could ask your new husband to do something once a week with each of your sons individually, he could probably fit that in.  Kids love reliable one-on-one time with adults.

[RockRose]

I agree with Annie,  I think he will have a positive influence in their lives.

To answer your title question bluntly,  statistically,  yes,  most kids fare better if the mom stays single rather than remarry.  Typically,  step parents and step siblings create pain and disharmony.

But of course,  you have to take each case separately and look at each case to determine what's best in THAT case.   In your case,  this sounds positive.  Although he's focused on his own son,  it sounds like your husband is kind and caring to your boys.  Imagine a soccer coach who of course,  loves his own son more than the team members but can provide a VERY powerful and positive role model for the other boys on the team who might need a man to look up to.  And your husband is certainly closer and more caring than the soccer coach.

I think what would be awful for your boys,  is to witness their own biodad being loving and supportive of kids he made with another woman.  THAT hurts!  But watching your husband love his son - IMHO - will show them how men are to behave.

I strongly sense you're the one who has the problem with his attachment to his son.  Your statement "he is with us the entire weekend,  every weekend" is not the same thing as saying "we have him on weekends".  Your sons live there 100% of the time,  your husband's son visits 60%.

I vote for keeping your husband.  He sounds like a good and caring man who takes his responsibilities seriously.