Boys under Attack

I got married 3 years ago. I was in a previous relationship where I had 2 children 2 boys 17 and 10. I told my oldest son that I was getting married first and I told him I wanted to be the one to tell his mother but if she asks you any questions don't lie to her. His mother found out that I told him first and all hell broke for my sons. She screamed and screamed at him and told him he lied to her and that he should have told her I was getting married. This made my son feel like he let her down and ashamed of me because I made him keep something from his mother. He now has a horrible relationship with me and my wife. In addition, his mother tells both boys that my wife isn't their mother and that their father has a new family now and they have to take care of one another. I went to court and received joint physical custody of the boys where I see them Thurs - Sunday morning. During the court case their mother told them that your father is trying to take you from me. It's really bad, I was only supposed to pay $280.00 a month but I told the Judge that wasn't enough and I offered to pay $650.00 a month so that could stay in a safe neighborhood but she won't tell my kids this. I also take them to all of their doctor appointments and check up on them at school. My oldest son had colleges looking to give him basketball scholarships when he was only 14 years old but because of everything go on he doesn't want to play and he's gain weight. He's currently 225 pounds. Does any one have any suggestions for me?

[Cherie762]

It sounds like your a great dad, but I quickly spotted 2 mistakes I think you made Im an adult child of divorced Parents they divorced when I was 18 so I can relate.

I dont think you should have placed the responsibility of telling his mother that you where going to get married on your 15 year old son,,,that really put him in the possition of having to hurt his mother and you just slid right of the hook.

Also your wife is not their mother,,,she is their step mother if your wife was deceased or if your kids where much younger they might view her as a mother but thats not the case..

the best you can hope for is that your boys will accept their stp mother as a confidont and a friend, as well as acknowledging she is a member of the family,

Your 14 yo sounds depressed how about some counseling, alone at first and then maybe with you and then maybe bring your wife into it.


Never bad mouth their real mother to them, and they dont need to know the adult responsibilitysnlike child support, that makes them feel like a bill or a burden.

Make time for happy days simple things with them, boys seem to talk better when doing an activity (I have 3 sons ) play a game of checkers or while driving talk to them they will be more open tha if you ar sitting across a table starring at each other,


your doing  a lot right only those 2 things i felt to comment on, I hope a bit of this helped, and I commend you for being a good dad and caring   God Bless,  hope things get better.  Cherie

[njt320]

Yes sorry but I agree, you shouldn't have made your son tell his mom, it wasn't his responsibility he is just a kid stuck in the middle.
I have never gotten divorced so I am not a good one to give advice.  That's just how I saw it when I read your post.

[margypops]

cerie said it all totally the way to handle your son .

[margypops]

Sorry meant Cherie762 my keyboard is misbehaving again

[loveu]

Thanks for your comments Cherie762. My son didn't tell his mother I did but I did tell him first. When I told her she said when are you going to tell our sons and I told her I already did. At that point she started screaming at my son telling him he was wrong for not telling her. She made him feel like he let her down.

[Cherie762]

Sorry for the missunderstanding==your poor son---a lot on his sholders for a kid..divorce and a remarriage is very hard for all involved.