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Daughter doesn't fit in and wants to move back to city
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Daughter doesn't fit in and wants to move back to city

Hi Everyone,

I have tried to get help from friends and family on this matter but no one seems to know what to do. I have a 16 year old daughter who is having the worst time ever trying to fit into school in the country setting. I have an older 21 year old daughter from my first marriage who works in the big city and stays with her father as she just didn't want to move to the country with us she was smack in the middle of high school at the time too. We moved to the country just before my younger daughter was going into junior high. It was the 6th grade for her. At the first school she just simply could NOT fit in, the cliques of girls was so tight because they had all grown up with each other since kindergarten. This is a small town. After she finally left that school with many a nighmare of problems there, she looked on to high school with a dim hope of things getting better. This girl had never had any social issues at school, was popular and outgoing with a great sense of humour all her life. She really resented moving to the country however and insists to this day that she loves the city and HATES it here.

Much of the same happened with her having issues making female friends the first year of high school. Then the 2nd year (last year) she met a really nice boy or so we thought and it was her first real boyfriend.  During this time the one really good female friend of hers whose family we liked and trusted, (her older brother tried to sexually assault my daughter, didn't get away with it). We had to go to the police and report the incident, it was quite traumatic for her and she lost that friend obviously. The relationship with her boyfriend didn't last due to typical teenage relationship issues, boy not really knowing what he wants etc. She was really hit HARD! And this resulted in her making some decisions that weren't healthy ones. Right after her break up, she was lured by a senior at her school to get drunk and then have sex. (how did this happen?) She lied to us about where she was going, she said her female friend's house which is right down the road from us. She told us her "brother would pick her up and drop her off" she left at 7:30pm and was back home by 9:30pm. She ended up with a STI (thank god not a life threatening one!) and the entire school found out about this.

This one incident has left a great deal of the school kids ridiculing, bullying and making fun of her and she simply cannot shake this. I should have had that boy charged for rape he was just turning 18 I think. I have spoken with the school principal on a number of times and I had said after the last bullying incident that that would be the last time and I'd be having some people charged. The prinicple agreed and seems to have taken some steps to ensure that these people understand what the consequences for a repeat offense would be. That aside, this is her 3rd year at school, she failed one class last year, she skipped many classes due to sheer embarrasment and humiliation at school. She is trying to make up for it this year but has NO friends. She sits in the bathroom at school on her lunch break because she has no friends to spend it with. She is depressed and says if she moves she can start clean and she hates it here in the country. The problem is, I don't have any family that can send her to, in the city. I am working at getting my old house fixed up and ready to sell but it just can't happen over night. I am torn as to what to do for her, I have even considered a short term separation from my husband and renting a home closer to the city so she can go to a different school until we can get our house sold. I have not discussed that option with my husband yet though. I am getting her counselling through my husband's work and I have suggested to her to join various groups or clubs to expand her peer group but she's not interested in anything but moving back toward the city. As I said this girl is a good person at heart who has made some rough decisions for herself and still loves us very much, she is not a bad teen, just typical. What should I do or what options do I have to make her more comfortable here? Or should I try to make it happen that we move out of this town and start clean in a new place? Small towns are terrible for gossip etc.! It's not like the other kids don't do any wrong themselves but they pretty much want nothing to do with her now both boys and girls. This is a hard situation for us all. Thanks for any advice if you have it!
2 Comments Post a Comment
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I agree that she needs to be where she can start fresh.  She should not be forced to sit in the bathroom on her lunch break because she is humiliated.  It is too bad that the school is shunning her, but if they are and cannot be made to change, there is little enough you or she can do.  Of course, success is the best revenge -- if she turns out to be a great athlete, famous politician, or other success story, it would serve them all right.  So I think I would encourage her to get involved in something where she can excel individually, rather than some kind of social group or other.  Do you have relatives in other states, someone who could take her and have her transfer to high school where they are?  Especially if there are activities she can involve herself in, like sports?  It's not like she has to be either in the country with you or in the nearby city and there is nowhere else in the world.  
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Thank you very much for your advice! She actually is a wonderful natural singer and but she has very little self confidence, I brought her to a singing coach once but she didn't really click with that particular coach, I think I'll try to find her another one. I am NOT at all impressed with this school, they do shun her. I have a sister that she could live with, but I have asked her to get better grades and try to show some responsibility and then perhaps we might look at her transferring for the new year after this semester. I just feel terrible for her and she deserves to be treated just like anyone else her age. She says that the students just walk past her everyday like she is not even there. She tries to be incredibly strong, she is a wonderful young lady.
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