Depressed over teen daughter's broken relationship
My very smart, mature 14 yr. old teen daughter has been in a relationship with a sweet 16 yr. old boy for 5 months. It has been so sweet up until about 3 months ago. She was crazy over him-and he was and is crazy over her! This was their 1st relationship with anyone. My husband didn't have much to say about the relationship-but I couldn't have picked a better choice for her 1st boyfriend. He is so polite-respectful to my daughter and us. They had been arguing a lot, over small stuff, she said he wouldn't listen to her sometimes, would forget things important to her, didn't have a driver's license to come and see her, which meant that either his Mom or me would take them where they wanted to go- which was fine. Sex was never an issue- both wanted to wait until after college to marry, THEN have sex -thank goodness! But they did have passion-and both enjoyed the kissing/hugging/hand holding etc. --- I would tell her that nothing was perfect, and that everybody didn't listen, and everyone forgets. She broke up with him in July, then they decided to get back together the next day. She would ask my opinion- she and I are very close-which is unusual but true. Well as a 45 yr. old mom, I would try to advise her the best way I knew how, after all I have been married to my husband/her dad for 25 yrs. I explained to her that relationships were hard work, and that if you really loved someone you just had to keep trying. But, I know every relationship is different and sometimes love just isn't enough-if that makes sense! I told her not to take everything so seriously-which is hard to do because I am the same way. Her BF was never abusive physically or mentally-I just think the maturity wasn't there for either of them (as far as handling a relationship) and expectations of both kids toward each other was too serious. His parents were going through a divorce so he had a lot going on at home-not abuse but he was going to counseling to help get through the divorce between his parents. I really do believe they love each other, but my daughter told me that she wanted to end the relationship because she was tired of trying, because she knew he was miserable and she was too. Well, they had a huge argument last week and he broke up with her... They have talked since then on the phone/at school-and have mutually agreed to remain friends.They were friends before their boyfriend/girlfriend thing began. He calls/texts her still-though not as much-which is fine. He told her last night that he was happier because he felt like he was walking on pins and needles when they were dating and never knew if she would get mad -but he told her he still loves her and misses her. She apologized to him for being a jerk during their relationship and asked him if he would accept her apology-& he did. She told him she still loved him and missed him, but just didn't want a relationship right now. With anyone. She told me that it is like a burden has been lifted-since they broke up and that it seems that she can talk to him easier than when they were "going out". I told her that she couldn't control a relationship and that people were going to make mistakes-and that she nor he were perfect. She understood and realized what I was telling her-which is good.
Anyway... I am so devastated and upset- I have cried and cried because I see the pain those two kids have been going through-and I really do think they love each other. I have told her to pray about it-I have been. I grew to love him like he was my own son.... I know I need to get over it-but it is hard. Their relationship being over is like a death to me. It is like I am grieving-and I start crying when I talk to my daughter about it-I think she is handling the break-up better than me.. Any suggestions out there?
I think you feel as if you have really lost a family member. There was a little girl my son liked - I am not kidding - in 8th grade- and my dream was for them to marry..... they broke it off and he kept telling me she wasn't the little sweetie pie I thought she was..... and I just had to trust him- and give him credit for noticing.....
I think what you did is perfectly normal. You actually FELT what your daughter felt. (and then some/) A child and their mother of course bond early when mom is holding her infant, so your response to grieve for both of them and their loss is understandable.
I think what you are feeling is in some ways similar to divorce- a brokenness/
What the teens did was to break up and move along- their brokenness between them is starting to heal- You want to know another reason it is healing so quickly. Because they very likely were not sexual partners. THAT is what usually makes a girl so distraught after a teen breakup. Celebrate that-----
You are a good mom- Perhaps look up "divorce stages" which include anger, denial, etc etc and when you see these are normal stages you may be able to flow thru them a tiny bit easier. I will not however, tell you to take it easy and quit your crying because this is SOOO real to you..... you just have to mourn.
Gracious. I have three teenage boys, and girlfriends come and go. You like some, you don't like some others, whatever.
A break up of a relationship with a 14 year old is not a death.
Honestly, I think you need help. This kind of thing mothers just sign and go on with life. If you can't get over this, you need to seek help and release your daughter from the burden from you grief over this "death" of a youthful crush relationship.
Kids (and your daughter is still a kid) will fall in and out of "love" all the time. The truth is she has no clue what love is, its all part of her learning and growing experiance. She will have lots of heartache (if she is lucky) You learn from it and gain more respect for yourself along the way! Let her go mom.
Oh my gosh, i read your post and your situation is so similiar to mine except my daughter is 21 and he is 22. I totally spoiled him and he became like part of the family...i thought i was crazy until i ready your post. I have read other similiar post on other sites and this is normal for moms of daughters. You helped me realize i am mourning and not crazy.. please let me know how you feel now. Thanks!
I think you should call both of them to meet and listen them carefully and patiently what they think or what is running in both's mind. what they know/think about realtionship.. treat them very politly.. they and you will be fine.... actully they have an infatuation with each other.. you have to techle them practically.. this kind of realtionship does not run with this it should be run with love, understanding, practicality...
you try to do this then you will see it will work.. perfectly...
still you need any assistant.. feel free to contact me with this blog.. i will be there for you...
I was just reading your post about your daughter and her breakup with her boyfriend...it was posted in 2008, but I am courious how it all played out for you, your daughter, the boy,etc.....I have a 15 year old who is very mature, hates drama and has been dating a darling, 15 year old boy for just over a year....We thought we had it all under control with limiting their time together, meeting the parents etc. He became one of my kids and I love this boy like my own. Same story as yours, lovely family, but parents divorcing, BF tied up in that and my daughter jealous of other girls in BF life. They had a really nice relationship for a long time, but he babied my daughter and she became a "jelly fish" without the strength to take care of herself- she relied on him for strength and he gave her that until he couldn't any longer....I truely do believe that they are in love....I know people think it can't be so at 15, but I don't agree! The delema now is that they decided to break up for now so that she could get her feet under her again, hang with her girlfriends, get out there and socilize again. I am worried because she is a beautiful girl and a lot of boys are attracted to her because of this...I can already see that her phone and Facebook are coming alive with boys who know what happened and want to "Hang out" Her Xboyfriend also sees these posts and warns her to be careful and is really sad that she is so available now....He still wants to be with her, but they both know she needs to regroup and find herself again. I am grieving this relationship ending...I do understand it and I am trying not to influence her in any way and just standing by to guide her. The other side knows what a great boy her x is. He is so sweet and I trust him with her. He seems to know what teen boys can be like and warns her. She is so upset about the breakup it kills her, yet she seems stronger by being alone too.....It's just so hard to watch and feels like such a loss.
That was a perfect love story ever I read :)... Well, you are to supportive to your daughter and has a good parenting advice for being a mother to her daughter. Actually, I don't have any questions about it instead I admired the story.. thank you. :)
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