Parenting Teens (12-17) Community
Going crazy!
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Going crazy!

My 17 year old daughter has a boyfriend(her first relationship) and he is such a wonderful guy.He is in college and she is in her last year of highschool.They have been together a few months now.He faithfully attends church each Sunday and is so well mannered and I cant say enough good things about him....except...the other night he confided something to my daughter that is very troubling. When he was about 12 he experimented sexually with another boy.He said it happened 5 times total.He never told anyone about it and since he was attending a Christian school. He said he felt so shamed and knew it was wrong and he has devoted his life to God ever since. He lives with his father still and I am noticing a codependancy there on both parts. His dad does not comunicate well with him and he has never told him what happened. I find myself analyzing this situation til I feel crazy...what if this, what if that...ect..Anyway, I am nervous for my daughter. she loves him and wants to believe him but as for me, I have doubts about how emotionally damaged he may be and all his baggage will inevitably be part of my daughters life as well.I guess my question is this, Is it likely he is bi sexual and may have supressed this because he felt shamed? Or is it common for young boys to experiment with eachother? I appreciate his honesty with her as I know it took allot of courage to tell her.but I am still confused. He also admitted he looked at porn starting in 4th grade til about 10th grade He said it was only women but I cant help but wonder.He is 19 now and says this stuff all happened because he had a dsyfunctional family that never gave him guidance so he caved into peer pressure. He says he loves my daugher and wanted to be honest about his past.Any thoughts on this would be sooooooo appreciated..Im going crazy.
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Avatar_f_tn
my best friend since I was 2 years old is gay…
He was raised with a similar christian background to your daughter's bf…
He didnt seem gay (at the time… looking back, it was obvious)… He finally came out when he was about 22 years old.
While we were in high school, he had girlfriends (who were all very attractive, smart, with good families)… He kissed, had sex, dated, etc.. with girls.
After he came out, we discussed it a lot… he said that he had thought he could be bisexual for a very long time (even while he had girlfriends)…
Finally after he had kissed a boy, he knew he was gay.. nevertheless, he continued to be with girls.
In my opinion (and his), there is no such thing as men being bisexual… the being bi is part of the transition of being gay… he always says "once a man has sex with another man, he never has sex with a women (without being in denial),,. he will always go back to men".
Kids experiment with other kids… but this usually only lasts til about 9-10 years old… after that it is not common…

my friend thinks that, if he is gay, based on the fact that he told his gf, means that he probably is no longer denying the feelings to himself…
If he was still trying to repress the feelings and deny it, he would be too ashamed to say anything… at 17-18… most homosexuals have accepted it for themselves (at least)…
However, the christian thing plays a big part in the whole thing… christian gay guys commonly continue to be with girls, as a result of a repressive upbringing.
regarding porn at 10 years old… if he looked at it alone, it is not uncommon for gay boys the look at female porn (as a way to try to stabilize or make sense of the homo-feelings)…
personally, the fact that these are things that he wants to confess to a girlfriend of only a few months is quite unusual… if its 'boys being boys' , why the confession…why the need to devote yourself to god??
in my opinion, that is the most telling part… the fact that he feels like what he has done was so wrong, that he has turned his life to god says that he must be some-what haunted by something inside him.
Than-again, religion is extreme forms can have crazy effects on people.
it sounds to me that his struggles come from within himself… Obviously he was raised with strong values by a religious family. His parents may have had their issues, but still valued education enough to send him to to a private school (very expensive) where he could never be himself (is he is gay)…
Also- there is something that has make a huge disconnect with his father… (if not gay, then what?)

If he is not gay, then I dont understand the whole "feeling ashamed and devoting yourself to God… still to this day"

Of course he may be strait and cannot get past the sins of his past (still to this day)… Which I think I strange, but religion can be strange and irrational-
(so who knows…)

Regardless of his sexuality.. there are definitely some struggles going on there… but what can you so about it anyway??? trying to separate them will only push them closer together…

Good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you so much.I am trying to process all you have said. It makes allot of sense.
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134578_tn?1404951303
I agree with SincerelyYours, if he is gay and Christian, this might be why he is so conflicted.  But keep it open in your mind that it could possibly be just what he says it is, a few gay experiences that he has decided are not him.    

Even more to the point, he is not dating you.  You need to trust your daughter to find her own way with the men she cares about.  She is old enough to decide what she wants out of the relationship, and if he is being open with her about these things, they are on the way to determining what they want of each other without your input.  In other words, let them go their own path, Mommy.  Your daughter is soon to be an adult, and she doesn't sound like she is doing badly.  Let her manage this one herself.
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Avatar_f_tn
Lots of straight girls kiss other girls; straight guys sometimes kiss and experiment with other guys too. If he's gay he's gay. If he's bi he's bi. If he's straight he's straight. However he was born, there's nothing toucan do to change it.

Seeing as he's religious (because I know lots of religious people are unacceptable and hate gays) and had the guts to admit he did stuff with other guys, I doubt that he would be hiding the fact if he was gay. I guess I'd assume he's either bisexual, or straight and was simply curious. (Which many people are at a young age.

Plus..almost EVERY male alive watches porn. If that worried you perhaps you don't know as much about society today as you should..
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