How/When to tell teen about dad

My son is 16 and has only seen his dad once when he was a year old. We were never married and I accidentally got pregnant. I was not married, he was. His father lives out of state and no one where we live knows the story. My son doesn't know why his dad doesn't have contact. I told him that he is married and has another family, but I did not say his dad won't see him because he was fooling around at the time when he knew me.

Should I tell my son the exact reason why his dad won't have contact? Although I think his dad SHOULD have contact...I agree it is a bit tricky. I don't want my son to hate either of us or to tell his friends the situation. He has ADD and sometimes doesn't think before talking. He told me today he wishes his dad could come live with us.( I had a fiance who lived with us for 7 yrs but he died last year. My son doesn't miss him cuz they really didn't get along. So much for a father figure). Is it time I told my son or should I wait until he is more mature?

[RockRose]

This is a hard one to predict.

Right now,  your son appears to believe that you two were in a relationship and then he was born and then his father ignored him and went on later to have a family,  all the while for some unknown reason rejecting your boy.

In that way,  your son would feel mystified at why he was rejected,  and probably takes it very personally.  Why would he be rejected,  and yet later children weren't rejected,  he would have to wonder.

The reality has nothing to do with him.  You were the secret "other woman" and no one - not even you - acknowledges your relationship or your son's rightful place in the family.  Your son wasn't rejected - his father was mortified that the evidence of the affair you had with each other would ruin his life,  and cause him to have to give up his family.

Which is better for him?  To think he was rejected based on his own merits,  or to realize he was an embarrassment that must not be mentioned?  I really don't know.  

Maybe you could start by thinking of whether this man is someone your son would be proud of and feel positive about coming from him - is he successful,  likable,  otherwise honorable,  etc.?

Are there cousins or siblings or grandparents who would welcome your son?  Or would opening this can of worms lead to one huge horrible series of rejections?

Best wishes deciding what to do.

[homeofmew]

Tell him the truth as soon as possible.