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How to heal my upset son..
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How to heal my upset son..

I am a single mom with a 15 year old son. He has always been very good at school and well behaved, and I am very possessive of him. He complained of having a boil in his anal area which was disturbing him, and that cause me to worry the worst, cancer etc (as our family has a quite a history), and made a doctor visit with him the next day with our physician.
That is where the problem started.
The (she) doctor is also a close family friend of ours, and I have been taking him to her, ever since he was a kid.
Due to my inherent fears, I informed her that I wanted to be present during the exam, and she agreed, and over rode my son's wishes that I not be there in the room.

She examined his anal area, and also his entire genital area including his testciles and the penis. To my relief she informed that he was perfectly fine, and it was just a cyst. My poor son got an errection during this process.

From that day on, he has turned very aggressive, and will not listen to me, or come home from school, and seems to be very upset with me. How can I make him understand that as a mother it is my resposibility to look after him?
The doctor experience seems to have trauamatized him.
What can I do?
Thanks.


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13 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_n_tn
sorry to break this to you, but what you did was VERY VERY wrong, he is his own person and by demanding to be in the examination room you ripped away any dignity he had, it's understandable he is mad. it's not the examination he is mad about it's that you don't trust him and put him in a VERY degrading situation

you need to back off and let him have a life and his privacy, judging from your post there have likely been many other incidents where you restrict his privacy/trust and this was certinly enough to bring out the anger
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Avatar_n_tn
also, you said due to your fears? what fears, are you a doctor with experience in examinations? would the doctor's word not be enough for you? you said it's a close doctor but you don't trust her?

He is 15 and could have gone in for an examination on his own, there is NO reason the doctor should have sided with you, I think he would have an excellentt case for a lawsuit against the doctor and you if he chose to
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Avatar_f_tn
I understand your wanting to be there during the examination of your son.  I am a very protective single Mom and have a teenage daughter and son. It's extremely hard to stop being there all of the time and overseeing every aspect of your child's needs that you have been responsible for all of these years.  I, also, understand that you want to see what the problem is so that you can make sure that you know what your child has.  It's normal to want to do 'your job', the job that you've been doing for 15 years.  It's very hard TO TRUST both your child and the people who work with him, and TO LET GO of that "overseeing" that has been your responsibility since before he was born and that you have put your heart and soul into all of these years.... it's scary and it hurts.... but, it's important to do.

As a Mom, I am aware that the teen might not know what's appropriate vs what's inappropriate during a physical exam and your concern is only for his protection, as well as, to see what the problem is.  From our perspective as a Mom it's 'no big deal'.... we have been taking care of that body since he was born.... but, for your teen, it is a big deal (his privacy, it's part of the maturation process) and as hard as it is, we have to hear what they are asking for and step back respectfully.  It's hard.

I remember, as a young teen, having to go through a physical exam with a male doctor.... he did a breast exam.... and I was so embarrassed/uncomfortable having to bare myself to a stranger and to have him touch me there.  It was sufficiently uncomfortable that I still remember it decades later.  If I had a physical reaction during it, and if my father (role reversal) had been there, the embarrassment would have probably been excruciating.

He sounds like a good kid and a conversation between you ahead of time about how to handle anything that might not be appropriate during the exam would be one way of handling it; another would be to request the presence of a nurse during the exam, or perhaps his father or a male relative could have accompanied him during the exam.

It would have been better if he could have been examined by a male physician, and if you had respected his request to have you step out of the room (remember it hurts when you have to let go, but it's important).

I would suggest writing him a letter letting him know that you are sorry that you didn't respect his request for you to step out of the room and for the discomfort/embarrassment that he felt.  Let him know that as he's growing up and maturing, that you have a 'maturation process' to go through, also (of letting go), and to please forgive you.

Continue to love him.  Fix his special meals, make his bed, do his laundry, tell him you love him, encourage him to write you back or 'talk' to you, just to express his feelings.  When my son is angry with me, I still go in and kiss him goodnight.  Just love him and be patient.


Anothersinglemom
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Avatar_f_tn
I understand your son frustration. Getting an erection during the exam is very normal. he his young and has no control over it. MOM  I think its time to get your son a male DR if he want a male DR.
You also need to respect his Privacy. I would be mad to if my mom seen my erection.
I would explain to him that you and the doctor has seen it before and its no big deal.
play it off that you really did not see anything. Unless you said something already.
I stop my wife from seeing our 13 yr old naked last year and to give him his privacy.

Good Luck
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Avatar_n_tn
Oh my gosh, he is 15. Why would you stay in the room? That is really odd and I guess I don't blame him for acting out. You have to stop the possessive behavior or his behavior is going to get worse. If your son doesn't want you in the room no matter what age you don't go. Respect their privacy, would you want him in the room if someone was looking at anal cysty you had?
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Avatar_f_tn
It was NOT the exam that traumatized him but your actions
.
Sorry but it looks like you embarassed him, in the worst way. It will take a bit for him to forgive you, but he will. Of course our family doctor (MALE) will ask our son (15yrs old), do you want mom to stay or go, of course he says "GO", but he is okay with another femle doctor in there when there is a resident in training.

It is not that the doctor is a female/male, it is that HIS mother saw him, rule #1 when you have a teen age son, NEVER invade their privacy when it come to their body parts...it is like some kind of OMEN...
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Avatar_f_tn
It wasn't the exam, it was you being in the room with him during the exam. I'm sorry to say this, but it was NOT the right thing to go in there with him. He is 15 years old and it is about time that you stop doing this. I know that if I was still a 15 year old girl getting a breast exam, I would NOT want my mother or my father to be in there. Especially my father, OH GOD, if I was getting a breast exam and my father was in there watching someone touch my breasts I would start to feel very uncomfortable.

The same thing goes with teenage boys too. Many teens don't like it when their parents are looking at them naked.

As some other people here have said, it isn't the fact that the doctor is female, he is just very embarrassed and feels violated at what you did. Apologize to him and let him know that what you did was very wrong.

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976858_tn?1274449363
Mother has every reason to be concerned about how her teen age child of either gender is developing. In most societies and in the nature the mother is responsible for the mental and physical development of her offspring (motherhood) and ought to have knowledge of child’s health and stage of physical development on first hand. Society concedes a parent to take decisions instead of underage child until come of age. That applies to a great extent when be speaking for physical development and health. It is very important for a parent to monitor child’s development so that any possible problems can be identified and treated as early as possible. It is quite possible for shy pubescent boy because of shame to save symptoms about any aberration of normal physical development or health, not aware of their importance. The medical office policy in most societies requires a parent or guardian to be present during the exam. That affords a quite legitimate opportunity and acceptable excuse to the mother to become acquainted about the stage of development of her kid. The mother, who witness the rise of her child from the birth and without any doubt is familiar with his body, will be irreplaceable doctors assistant. Some inconvenience and discomfort will be fewer prices that the boys pay for guarantee for health and trouble-free development and ripen into manhood. 15 yo are really a little old, but I think that mother ought to chaperone her offspring till age of 13 – 14 years, independently of the gender.
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Avatar_n_tn
That's a little bit uncalled for. She doesn't need psychiatric help, AT ALL, and quite frankly, your description of a vaginal exam is a little bit creepy as well. Gynecological exams usually do the opposite to a woman, because they are usually painful because the woman is tense and feels invaded.

Hmm. I wonder if i'm the only one to say this, but I would NOT leave my child alone with a doctor. I don't really trust them, even the best of them.

That said, when the doctor was performing an exam on my sons genitals, I would most certainly look away or turn my back, maybe put a screen up between the exam and myself. I also would have found a male doctor, so my son would be even more at ease with the doctor, and would be less embarrassed about an erection or something.

However, a child does not know when it is appropriate to say NO. We've been taught in our schools and by society that there are some people who are in authority that we don't say no to. Police, Firemen, EMT's, Teachers, Bosses, and yes, Doctors. Any person over a certain age with a certain status most children feel uncomfortable with/have some difficulty saying no to, be it the feeling of saying no to an authority figure, or the doctors pressure and feeling like they are in higher authority, so they can override the child's wishes. I would want to be there if only to help my son say no, or for me to say no.

Many people feel that a childs wishes are insignificant, and they can bully them if they don't like what they have to say. I have experienced this myself with school officials, medical and administrative alike. I would have explained this to my 15 year old son, that I don't want them alone, but I will respect his privacy and turn my back during the private part of the exam. If the doctor has any sexual questions (the ones on that weird questionnaire that they read to you and have you answer aloud), she is free to point to the questions and have the child nod yes or no. That I have no problem with.

Maybe next time, OP, you can explain this to your son and turn your back when the exam is being performed. That way, you are protecting your son and giving him some privacy as well. I completely understand where you are coming from, and I would have done the same thing.

I think singlemom2009's advice was great. I understand your sons pain (and it doesn't help that he's a teenager, haha) and I understand your protection of your son. Try and be patient with him, and give him some time to understand your position. Tell him you will never, ever look when he is going through an exam like that, but you feel that you have to be in the room to help him. Suggest a screen up or something. Some people just don't want to listen when a child says no, but they will listen when an adult takes that childs side. (Even if your son thhinks he can handle this.)

BTW- my S/O, who is also 18 (I am 18 as well, lol) agrees with me completely. I read him the scenario, and he said, 'Well, you can't leave a child alone like that, but maybe if she turned her head? And 15 year olds are going to tantrum about something, he'll get over it.' (Lol S/O.)
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Avatar_f_tn
I have a 15 year old and I may have not stayed in the room. I am also a nurse so i understand the mothers concerns.  The above post says that there could be some sort of lawsuit involved?? whatever. Until hes 18 the parents say what goes.  If she looked at him it was only out of concern.  Especially since there is a family history.  Im sure she did it out of concern and if there was something wrong, she wanted to be right there so that they could hear what was going on.  I mean what if something was REALLY wrong down there? That kid wouldnt be acting like he is now!  Give the mom a break.  The real deal here is that we parents think that the kids are our "babies" when they are trying to grow up.  I dont feel she did anything wrong if she is that concerned about him.  Im sure she wasnt totally inspecting him like some of you make it seem.  Kid needs to grow up and appreciate that his mom is concerned and took her time to take him to the doctor to see what was going on.  Im sure he had to have it drained and mom wasnt in the room! I dont see it as a big deal....
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Avatar_n_tn
No one should take the original post seriously.Its has BS written all over it.That's a textbook fetish story that you'll see online.And by the way,if you Google "Yoanna_Mother", you'll see she (or he?)  has been posting his/her fetish about  boys being naked in front of their mother all over the internet, on as many sites he/she can.
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Avatar_f_tn
Your actions were sexually degrading and abusive and you should go for counseling. Maybe you both should go to counseling. If you go together, don't be confused about why you're there. It's for his benefit, not yours. You crossed a line under the guise of being protective. That was wrong and your son was injured as a result. Please get some professional help with the goal of avoiding such inappropriate behavior in the future and protecting your son from it. Taking responsibility is important. So, stop justifying your unacceptable behavior.
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Avatar_m_tn
I had a very similar situation, except I was the 15 year old son at the time, so ican give a perspective from that point of view.
my mom took me to a friend of hers who was a doctor when I had a little blood in my urine, which turned out to be nothing. I pleaded with her not to be in the room and not to watch, and pleaded with her doctor friend and they ignored my wishes and it was horrible. I was angry and embarrassed and hurt and humiliated. I used a few curse words at them and her doctor friend asked her if she would like her to just finish the necessary 2 or 3 minute exam for the problem or do an "extended genital and rectal assessment" and I honestly thought it was a joke. but it was not.  and I know to them it was no big deal, but it was about the worst 15 to 20 minutes of my LIFE
I should have been taken to a male doctor like I asked and my mom should nnever have been in the room!
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