How to heal my upset son..

[singlemom73]

I am a single mom with a 15 year old son. He has always been very good at school and well behaved, and I am very possessive of him. He complained of having a boil in his anal area which was disturbing him, and that cause me to worry the worst, cancer etc (as our family has a quite a history), and made a doctor visit with him the next day with our physician.
That is where the problem started.
The (she) doctor is also a close family friend of ours, and I have been taking him to her, ever since he was a kid.
Due to my inherent fears, I informed her that I wanted to be present during the exam, and she agreed, and over rode my son's wishes that I not be there in the room.

She examined his anal area, and also his entire genital area including his testciles and the penis. To my relief she informed that he was perfectly fine, and it was just a cyst. My poor son got an errection during this process.

From that day on, he has turned very aggressive, and will not listen to me, or come home from school, and seems to be very upset with me. How can I make him understand that as a mother it is my resposibility to look after him?
The doctor experience seems to have trauamatized him.
What can I do?
Thanks.

[r486]

sorry to break this to you, but what you did was VERY VERY wrong, he is his own person and by demanding to be in the examination room you ripped away any dignity he had, it's understandable he is mad. it's not the examination he is mad about it's that you don't trust him and put him in a VERY degrading situation

you need to back off and let him have a life and his privacy, judging from your post there have likely been many other incidents where you restrict his privacy/trust and this was certinly enough to bring out the anger

[r486]

also, you said due to your fears? what fears, are you a doctor with experience in examinations? would the doctor's word not be enough for you? you said it's a close doctor but you don't trust her?

He is 15 and could have gone in for an examination on his own, there is NO reason the doctor should have sided with you, I think he would have an excellentt case for a lawsuit against the doctor and you if he chose to

[singlemom2009]

I understand your wanting to be there during the examination of your son.  I am a very protective single Mom and have a teenage daughter and son. It's extremely hard to stop being there all of the time and overseeing every aspect of your child's needs that you have been responsible for all of these years.  I, also, understand that you want to see what the problem is so that you can make sure that you know what your child has.  It's normal to want to do 'your job', the job that you've been doing for 15 years.  It's very hard TO TRUST both your child and the people who work with him, and TO LET GO of that "overseeing" that has been your responsibility since before he was born and that you have put your heart and soul into all of these years.... it's scary and it hurts.... but, it's important to do.

As a Mom, I am aware that the teen might not know what's appropriate vs what's inappropriate during a physical exam and your concern is only for his protection, as well as, to see what the problem is.  From our perspective as a Mom it's 'no big deal'.... we have been taking care of that body since he was born.... but, for your teen, it is a big deal (his privacy, it's part of the maturation process) and as hard as it is, we have to hear what they are asking for and step back respectfully.  It's hard.

I remember, as a young teen, having to go through a physical exam with a male doctor.... he did a breast exam.... and I was so embarrassed/uncomfortable having to bare myself to a stranger and to have him touch me there.  It was sufficiently uncomfortable that I still remember it decades later.  If I had a physical reaction during it, and if my father (role reversal) had been there, the embarrassment would have probably been excruciating.

He sounds like a good kid and a conversation between you ahead of time about how to handle anything that might not be appropriate during the exam would be one way of handling it; another would be to request the presence of a nurse during the exam, or perhaps his father or a male relative could have accompanied him during the exam.

It would have been better if he could have been examined by a male physician, and if you had respected his request to have you step out of the room (remember it hurts when you have to let go, but it's important).

I would suggest writing him a letter letting him know that you are sorry that you didn't respect his request for you to step out of the room and for the discomfort/embarrassment that he felt.  Let him know that as he's growing up and maturing, that you have a 'maturation process' to go through, also (of letting go), and to please forgive you.

Continue to love him.  Fix his special meals, make his bed, do his laundry, tell him you love him, encourage him to write you back or 'talk' to you, just to express his feelings.  When my son is angry with me, I still go in and kiss him goodnight.  Just love him and be patient.


Anothersinglemom

[StepDad]

I understand your son frustration. Getting an erection during the exam is very normal. he his young and has no control over it. MOM  I think its time to get your son a male DR if he want a male DR.
You also need to respect his Privacy. I would be mad to if my mom seen my erection.
I would explain to him that you and the doctor has seen it before and its no big deal.
play it off that you really did not see anything. Unless you said something already.
I stop my wife from seeing our 13 yr old naked last year and to give him his privacy.

Good Luck

[knelson1003]

Oh my gosh, he is 15. Why would you stay in the room? That is really odd and I guess I don't blame him for acting out. You have to stop the possessive behavior or his behavior is going to get worse. If your son doesn't want you in the room no matter what age you don't go. Respect their privacy, would you want him in the room if someone was looking at anal cysty you had?

[Totie]

It was NOT the exam that traumatized him but your actions
.
Sorry but it looks like you embarassed him, in the worst way. It will take a bit for him to forgive you, but he will. Of course our family doctor (MALE) will ask our son (15yrs old), do you want mom to stay or go, of course he says "GO", but he is okay with another femle doctor in there when there is a resident in training.

It is not that the doctor is a female/male, it is that HIS mother saw him, rule #1 when you have a teen age son, NEVER invade their privacy when it come to their body parts...it is like some kind of OMEN...

[blujay12]

It wasn't the exam, it was you being in the room with him during the exam. I'm sorry to say this, but it was NOT the right thing to go in there with him. He is 15 years old and it is about time that you stop doing this. I know that if I was still a 15 year old girl getting a breast exam, I would NOT want my mother or my father to be in there. Especially my father, OH GOD, if I was getting a breast exam and my father was in there watching someone touch my breasts I would start to feel very uncomfortable.

The same thing goes with teenage boys too. Many teens don't like it when their parents are looking at them naked.

As some other people here have said, it isn't the fact that the doctor is female, he is just very embarrassed and feels violated at what you did. Apologize to him and let him know that what you did was very wrong.

[yoanna_mother]

Mother has every reason to be concerned about how her teen age child of either gender is developing. In most societies and in the nature the mother is responsible for the mental and physical development of her offspring (motherhood) and ought to have knowledge of child’s health and stage of physical development on first hand. Society concedes a parent to take decisions instead of underage child until come of age. That applies to a great extent when be speaking for physical development and health. It is very important for a parent to monitor child’s development so that any possible problems can be identified and treated as early as possible. It is quite possible for shy pubescent boy because of shame to save symptoms about any aberration of normal physical development or health, not aware of their importance. The medical office policy in most societies requires a parent or guardian to be present during the exam. That affords a quite legitimate opportunity and acceptable excuse to the mother to become acquainted about the stage of development of her kid. The mother, who witness the rise of her child from the birth and without any doubt is familiar with his body, will be irreplaceable doctors assistant. Some inconvenience and discomfort will be fewer prices that the boys pay for guarantee for health and trouble-free development and ripen into manhood. 15 yo are really a little old, but I think that mother ought to chaperone her offspring till age of 13 – 14 years, independently of the gender.