I do not feel safe with 16 yr old daughter

[DaddyDad2]

I'm dad and have physical custody. My 16 yr old daughter got mad at me for being a parent and had her mom come get her.

Part of me wants to enforce the order from court but this is the last straw and I can no longer trust her.  While I'm seeking appropriate legal counsel to explore options, I'm wondering what to expect from a 16 yr old girl who holds mom on a pedestal(she in no way is deserving beyond the title)?  

Could it be possible that an inpatient hospital NOT have success in getting her to see that her mother has manipulated her? I fear for her future relationships, her future period and it's made my heart empty.

She was a very happy girl once upon a time.  Her troubled mother's influence has held more water than I ever imagined. Any advice or encouragement is greatly appreciated.

[AnnieBrooke]

Talk to a therapist about her behavior and what you might expect, and talk to your lawyer.  If she has her mother on a pedestal and you think she is untrustworthy and are afraid of her, you might be better off letting her go to her mother, but it would be smart to document what is going on with the therapist and lawyer.  Some day she (your daughter) might want to learn the truth of the situation, and these records would be helpful.

[DaddyDad2]

Thank you.

[MOMMAof4plus1]

I've been there!!  Just about anyway. My step daughter now 16 was doing this for years with her bio mom.  She told her bio mom that her dad drank and was never home and I was mean. I could go into much more detail (drugs, abuse, child services and court etc) but u need answers not stories.  But I'll probably write a story anyway. Her bio mom and that side of her family would say things about us and suggest things to put in her head.  And she went along with anything they said and probably made stuff up on her own.  Her bio mom was put on a pedestal and worshiped.  I tried shielding her of all the wrongs her bio mom has done but around 14-15yrs old I told her the truth.  Truth to the stories and lies that were told over 10 years and some things started adding up for her. State the facts without putting anyone down to much.  I tried building a relationship with her and made it where she could tell me anything without punishment.  I made sure all of my kids were treated equally (including her because she is mine to) and I gave her assurance that I would not tell anyone anything she wanted to tell me.  When I tried bonding with her i did something with her instead of her doing something with me.   I let her know how much I loved (love) her and no matter what she's done or will do it would never change.  And when everything's said and done I'm still here and I have custody now.
          I've been in her life since she was 2.  And this bull&&&& went on for years (about 12-14 yrs) and we went to court 3 or 4 times (child support, custody and mediation) finally her bio mom went to jail and we jumped for custody.  She was 12 when we got custody and it took a couple more years to get where we're at but it's worth it. It's still a little bumpy, she lies a little but I'm so involved and I call her out on it.   She's 16, calls me mom and never wants to live with her bio mom again.  She said after all her mom did and did to her she doesn't look at her the same.  And she knows and feels that I'm her mom and that I raised her.  
     I promise the truth will come out and ur daughter will know and remember the lies and hurt that was done. Just stay involved.   Document everything and have witnesses (neighbors, friends, school, work. Etc. Limit her contact with her mom and don't say anything about or against her mom to her or around her because it will push her away from u and she'll go into protective mode plus it's hurts her.  Also do u see a therapist?  Not for u but for ur relationship with ur daughter. Ur daughter needs therapy and the more time ur daughter is with her mom the harder it will be to get her to see the truth.  U need a therapist that specializes in this type of behavior/situation.  They can spot a lie without her knowing and get the truth out (the good therapists can).   Also therapists can be subpoenaed to court (not sure what state ur in) and this can and will have a lasting effect on ur daughter if let go.  She will turn into her mother and most likely it will be repetitious.  
     I'm sorry for what ur going through and it will be hard on u and ur family but u will get through it in one piece.  Teenage girls are dramatic and selfish, they only think of the now and not tomorrow.  My father also went through this with my half sister and because of the distance between them he gave up the fight that ur fighting. I've tried talking to him about it several times and he tears up (I've only seen my dad cry 2 or 3 x's in 34 yrs).  He talks to her now (a few or more times a year) their building a relationship.  My dad said to me "It's even harder to get her back now then it was fighting the impossible (her mother) and letting her walk away".
       I could write a book about my experience with this and there's more I could add so if u have any questions or comments let me know.   I hope I helped and Please let me know how everything goes.  I will try to check back often.  Best of luck to u and ur family!
    

[DaddyDad2]

Thank you for responding.  I haven't been back on here in awhile but as you said these situations continue for years so here I am looking still yet for help. Since ive been on here last a lot has happened.  My daughterattempted suicide by taking a "half bottle" of her prescribed prozac. It was told to me that this was her response to her mom grounding her after discovering she was having a boy over when she was at work.  After 24 hrs in the hospital, she spent a week in a mental hospital.  That seems to have been a waste of time and money. At least she was safe and under control there. Now, two weeks shes been discharged and I have finally gotten scheduled a "family" meeting with her, her mom, myself and the counselor shes been seeing for several months.  This is the same counselor that one week before my daughter's suicide attempt told me my daughter was doing great getting her grades back where they need to be and she seemed to be doing well.  The counselor comes across as just wanting to take the easy road instead of addressing the more difficult, real issues to get some real progress.  Previous experience with this counselor adds to my belief of this approach of hers.  So, unfortunately, I have don't have a lot of confidence in this upcoming meeting but having said that I am going to try to make the most out of it and hope for the best. It's sad that my formerly biggest fan has become such a monster towards me and herself. It certainly takes a toll on so many as I'm reading more and more horror stories online while researching.  

[DaddyDad2]

Thank you for your wise words. After typing what you are about to read, I came back here to insert this and tell you sorry for the wall of text.  I had alot to reflect upon so i may have missed something or veered off course slightly in transition to paper.  I hope it makes enough sense to answer your question.

The saying "if mom is not happy, no one is happy" certainly applies to our situation.  Having experience with the woman,  i have no doubt that her mother has undiagnosed psychological issues. When I state that, it is only as fact in my mind based upon the experience ive had in dealing with her and not said in a crusade to disparage her nor to elevate me unjustly. 

I was ignorant as to the extent of the mother-daughter bond.  I was also naive in thinking that after the divorce my explaining issues to our daughter as they came up would put her at ease. I could not have been more wrong. 

She has "hurt dad to please mom" on numerous occasions. There have been countless "little things" like  dropping out of takwondo for no legitimate reason (the moment before getting her black belt). Then she progressed to bigger things like telling her school nurse that I am emotionally abusive and that i made her sleep on the porch when I get mad.  Claims such as these brought the wonderful world of DHS into my life.  I was immediately labeled as someone who needed help with my anger and ill equipped to parent properly.  I had to miss work for counselling, drug tests, and court dates.  So you can imagine alot of money was spent and time wasted. I was not guilty of any of those things (you will have to take my word on it!).   Reflecting further, imagine being a decent, loving parent who goes through all these things yet has a voice that goes unheard.  That was me. The whole system would not hear of it when I told them the truth.  The counselor insisted that i needed to "own up to my part in this." All I could come up with was "I slept with her mother?"  Then there's the chain smoking social worker telling me to "bond with your daughter, take her to the movies, go shopping." Truth is my daughter quit wanting to do anything with me and would stay in her room.   She would not even accept bribes to watch TV with me not one show. 

Lastly, under her moms guidance (she told me), she conspired with troubled ex #2 in efforts to get my son taken from me.  They attempted this by falsifying texts that indicated I had been "keeping his mother away" which the fact was I didn't even know where she was. Ex #2 was absent most of his 5 yrs by her doing, not mine.  In that case, thanks to those texts that my daughter and her mom created and exchanged with Ex #2, his mom received immediate full visitation and joint custody of a boy she abandoned as a toddler.  My son was sent for 6 weeks the next day with a stranger, a disengenuine effort rewarded.  His mom avoided the truth as to why she was an absent parent (she didn't want to be one truth be told) that now wanted to be "mom" all of a sudden. She was asking for custody and support ($).  Video games have been raising  her other son while she spends the support from that father on herself, so I know the "why" she wanted custody of my boy. I was successfully misportrayed as a controlling *******.  The judge scolded me, saying I was only retaining custody of my son because of the tradition the court has established  as "maintain the status quo." The former enemies have become allies now isn't that wonderful?  What's amazing is the law enables them and everything I say falls on deaf ears, even the attorneys I've paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to don't really do a thing but follow the script.  It's beyond words. It's not over by a long shot either. Now I have to suffer the tactics of another crazy ex and i dread the thought of the same thing happening to my son that has happened to my daughter.  He, like my daughter, deserves so much better. They should not be a tool used for selfish, devious people.

So...what will my daughter do next to please mom, no telling. That's why I'm unsafe when she's in my life.  

[RockRose]

Children need their mothers,  desperately.  The better the mother,  the less the teenage daughter wants her attention.  That's just true.  Great moms have daughters who can be hostile and distant,  horrible moms have daughters who are begging for their attention.  The worse the mom,  the more the daughter seeks her love.  

I'm curious why you say you don't feel safe with your daughter in your topic headline?