Parenting Teens (12-17) Community
MOVING
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MOVING

MY DAUGHTER IS 14 GOING TO BE A FRESHMAN IN HIGH SCHOOL. THIS CURRENT SCHOOL YEAR HAS BEEN A NIGHTMARE, DESPITE HER BEING A STRAIGHT A STUDENT SHE HAS NO FRIENDS. SHE IS TIRED OF THE GOUPS AND CLIQUES. FOR SEVERAL YEARS I HAVE ASKED HER TO MOVE AS IT HAS JUST BEEN THE TWO OF US FOR 8 YEARS, ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT A NEW START. SHE WAS ALWAYS RESISTANT. ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO SHE HAD COME HOME FROM SCHOOL DAYS UPON DAYS UPSET AND CRYING ABOUT SCHOOL AND HOW SHE DOESN'T CONNECT WITH ANYONE. SHE'S A BRILLIANT ATHLETE THAT HAS NO DESIRE TO PLAY SPORTS ANYMORE OR ANYTHING.

I SUGGESTED MOVING OUT OF STATE AND STARTING OVER SINCE WE HAVE NO FAMILY AND NO TRUE FRIENDS HERE, AND SHE AGREED. SHE WAS VERY EXCITED HELPING ME LOOK FOR AREAS TO LIVE AND SCHOOLS SHE WOULD BE ATTENDING. NOW IT'S TIME....I HAVE AN EXCELLENT JOB OFFER IN A NEW STATE AND HAVE SEPERATED FROM MY CURRENT JOB AND SUB-LEASED ON MY RENTAL AGREEMENT AND NOW SHE IS RESISTANT TO MOVE.

HER FIGHT IS THAT SHE LOVES HER SCHOOL DESPITE HER ACTIVITY WITH FRIENDS AND SPORTS. AM I WRONG IN CONTINUING ON WITH THE MOVE KNOWING THAT WHEN HIGH SCHOOL STARTS THIS FALL SHE WILL BE BEGGING ME TO MOVE AGAIN AS SHE HAS TIME AND TIME AGAIN IN THE PAST.
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4 Comments Post a Comment
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1548028_tn?1324616046
I think you have to do what is best for you too.  You are doing this at a good time and it sounds like you have a great adventure ahead of you.  This will give her over the summer to meet new friends and get used to the area.  I don't think anyone likes change but sometimes change can be good.  Opportunities are hard to find now days and might be great for the both of you.  Look at new destination online for activities and positive things about where you are going.  Do it together.  I wish you the best!
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13167_tn?1327197724
This is a hard one,  AMC.  She's always resisted moving,  for 8 years in a row,  and then very briefly she gave in and was open to it.  She doesn't want to move.

If she were struggling socially because of some specific incident that embarrassed her and changed her life from happy to ostracized,  I would say moving would be perfect.  A fresh start where no one is rejecting her for that incident would work well.  But in fact,  she doesn't have good social skills and doesn't have the ability to make friends - something that will follow her in the move and then she will also be struggling with being displaced.

It's interesting though that you seem to be in the same position - you have no friends either,  and when you picked a place to live it was completely open - you also are disconnected from people.  

This is a hard one.  I don't think this move will make her life better,  but it may not make it worse,  and it may make yours better.

And I don't think she's in much of a position to make a clear rational choice here - she doesn't know how to compare the two places.

Best wishes.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for all your responses, gave me a lot to think about. To give a little more about 8 years ago she witnessed her father trying to kill me. She shut off the world after that. She takes a long time to trust. She has done extremly well through therapy as have I. I have just spent the past 8 years putting myself through school full time and working. Now that I am finally settle in my career and find that she is becoming a little more independant I am left with work acquatances. I don't go out very much and usually pass up on the opportunity to because now I have a teenager I don't want to leave home alone. She has friends, but doesn't want people in her personal life. When they ask where her father is she tells them he died, although he's not been in and out of jail and has a no contact order until she's 18.

So as for the move I feel in my heart this will be an advantage for her to know that it's a fresh start for both of us and freedom that we're both not looking over our shoulder. She always attracts to older kids and I feel her dismay in middle school is the fact that all her friends are in high school and I think she thinks it's going to be better in high school. She has friends and isn't totally shut off, but after school she just stays home. She'll text friends and facebook with them but doesn't go to thier homes or have them over to the house.

When I suggested moving in the past  and she refused several months after school started she has made a comment to me that we should of just moved and she should have listened to me.

Last week I recieved a couple emails from a realtor and when she saw the houses she asked, "what are we doing here"? So some of her comments are misleading and I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what's right.

I'm just glad I'm getting input from other areas. Thank you for your concerns and comments.
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2104069_tn?1333727577
I agree with you. We knew we were moving, so I spent the summer signing up the younger kids for various camps (against their will) and the older kids for camp leaders or summer programs where they were in charge of the little ones (against their will).  With the older kids, I gave them monies if they completed the week of camp.  They got new friends FAST and I warned them not to take the old garbage to the new town. Once school started, walking in that door was easy because they already knew everyone. Best wishes to you both, and your a good mom!!
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