Mother and Son

Our son, recently turned 18 now has his first real girlfriend. He is a good student, involved in athletics and boy scouts, and generally very polite and respectful. During his teenage years, he enjoyed a close relationship with his mother, spending time together, trusting her with confidences, After his high school graduation, my wife became increasingly upset with things he was doing, or not doing, such as leaving his socks in the living room, or forgetting to pick up his dishes. He has been doing these things right along, but her tolerance for the behavior dropped to nil. She was very vocal in expressing her unhappiness with his behaviors, and critical of the amount of time he was spending with his girlfriend vs. his family. Now, to be sure, we are both concerned that he continue to make good decisions about his future (college) and his relationship with his (one year younger) girlfriend, but my wife is much more critical of him, and it seemed to me like all she ever did was complain about him. When I expressed my thoughts that his behavior is pretty much natural for a young man of this age, she bacame furious, and accused me of letting him walk all over me. Things were so bad for her, and between them that it was actually a relief when he went to college last month.
He came home this past weekend. We had planned a family birthday party on saturday night. He asked his mother when he would be free to leave after the party, because he wanted to see his girlfriend. My wife was furious that he was "deserting" his own family, and was so upset that she left him a message not to "bother coming home."
i'm at my wit's end trying to figure this out. I'm afraid that she will drive him away.

[jdtm]

The problem is not your son but your wife (but you already know that).  Is there any trusted counselling available in your area?  She appears (from my point of view) to be suffering from extreme "empty nest syndrome" and perhaps should get some help in learning how to deal with the change in her life.  By the way, this can be a very difficult time for women  (especially stay-at-home mothers) as they have just lost their job and family (and also may be struggling with menopause).   And yes, without help, I suspect your wife will drive away your son as well as any future daughter-in-law and grandchildren.  My two cents ....

[smalltowndad]

btw, this is the oldest of our 3 kids. mom is an educated career woman, and is obviously having a hard time...

[April2]

I agree with the above poster. Your wife is having a hard time letting go of her "baby" and letting him grow up. In her mind, letting him grow up and move on means he'll move on without her and won't need her anymore and she's panicking about that. I think mothers have a harder time with sons and dads have a harder time letting go of their little girls. Just something I've noticed.
I think it would be good to talk to her, show her sympathy and that you understand that it's hard to let go but he is grown now and will be making his own choices, some good, some bad. Your jobs as parents now are not as the disciplinarian anymore. That's done. Now your job is to encourage him, be there for him, give him advice when he asks and be there to pick up the pieces if he does fall.
She may not even realize how much she's pushing but if she keeps pushing this hard with him he will pull further away.
I do understand! I had to let go of my oldest just this Summer when he moved out and he's 21. I do find myself getting upset that he doesn't call as much as I'd like. I worry about him, whether he's making the best choices. But I know that I've done my job of teaching him right from wrong, etc. and now I have to let go and hope he remembers the morals, etc. in which he was raised and leave him in God's hands because there's nothing more I can do. Believe me, I pray a lot! But I know I have to let go and let him grow up and trust God to take care of him now.

Try to be understanding and gentle with your wife, but do talk to her. This will take some time and adjustment but she'll come around eventually. I wish you well! God bless.