My 12 year old son

[Momx3SC]

This is my first post on here, so let me start out by saying I have 3 children and the one that is concerning me the most is my 12 year old son. He has always been my most loving child and has always been very emotional and he can be very withdrawn in public settings sometimes. I have many concerns about him and lately they are really causing alot of problems in our family. Tonight he decided to hit his sister in the head with his fist hard enough to make a cut and cause alot of blood ( I made an excuse to myself that he didn't mean to hurt her) but he did. After that he acted like he didn't even care about it,now tomorrrow he will and he will feel bad. He has been acting out alot more in the last few months, here are some examples.....he got caught trying to take some candy from the gas station and I had to pick him up, he fights with his sister and sometimes his brother ( but he knows that he will not take it), he fights with the kids around here ( it always starts as picking back and forth and then elevates sometimes), very disrespectful to me and his stepdad ( his only dad since he was one year old). Let me also say he takes adderall (adderrall) for his adhd. He barely passed 6th grade bc he can't seem to focus after school to get his homework done ( he is very smart and in honors classes, so it isn't the work it is the lack of attention).
I have been dealing with his hyper-acting for years but now he is just so defient on anything we say, he has to always have the last word. I love my son with all my heart and I am always finding myself making excuses for his behavior and why he acts like so.It all makes me want to cry and I feel lost and feel that I have done something wrong in my parenting ( maybe not being consistant is one thing). I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to try and not get him upset bc I do not want the agruements or yelling to happen, and I am scared he might hurt himself even though he has never threaten it. He is so emotional and sensitive.We have tried everything except have him evaluated for more mental issues like grounding, punishing by restriction, taking away everything, we have tried rewarding him with all kinds of things and just with privaledges and have tried counseling twice, ect. In school he has finally been put on the state program where they adjust things for him to accomadate him. I would like to finish by saying he has many great qualitites like he is loving, great with younger children and babies (they love him and vice versa) he loves all our animals and has never hurt any animal,he is smart, helpful and my son whom i love dearly! sorry for this long story. Hope someone can give me some input and /or advice and point me in a direction.

[jdtm]

We have tried everything except have him evaluated for mental issues - your words

Well, maybe it is time to see the family doctor and ask for a referral to a pediatrictic mental health specialist.  Perhaps it is time to change his medication or perhaps the diagnosis of ADHD is incorrect or perhaps your son suffers from a personality or mood disorder or perhaps someone else on this site might have insight into this behaviour .... whatever.  Before you can find the solution, you need to discover the problem.   I wish you luck in your journey and search ....

[lonelyinacrowd]

my 2nd son is 13 and was diagnosed as bipolar late last year.  we knew he was depressed because it runs in the family.  we started him in therapy march of 08 and with a psychiatrist in Oct and he was prescribed zoloft.  my son did good at first but by mid Dec he had suicidal thoughts. we noticed he was cutting himself (fortunatley, not badly)  and admitted him in the hospital. the dr changed his meds to depacote which wasn't very good.  we ended up hospitalizing him again 4 wks later.  instead of trying something else the dr added abilify.  no improvement.  this time the dr increased depacote.  very bad.  i was at the point of sending him to a residential facility when i came across the self help like program total transformation.  we changed dr's asap, it takes so long to get into one.  the school has been so helpful, we did a psych test and he qualifies for IEP.  we still have the stressful days but the tools learned through the self help have proven to be worth the price paid.  we've learned to disconnect during a conversation that grow to an argument; we've learned to hold him more accountable for his actions and to teach that every decision has it's consequence rather it be good or bad.  we reward when it is deserving.  bad behavior and bad decisions have consequences.  we've learned better parenting skills.  his medication was changed to lexipro which was a definite improvement.  with all that said,  get him to a specialist and try to get your husband on board in helping you.  you don't have to be a prisoner to your son's behavior.  i hope my experience has been helpful to you, good luck.

[margypops]

I would say to you get his meds checked as he could be having side effects , these are powerful drugs you have him on.

[aid821]

He is obviously an intelligent boy with alot of energy and that can be hard to deal with on a daily basis. My suggestion would be to structure everything he does everyday to keep him on track. From working with children who have ADD/ADHD, i've found this is a major contributor to increased anxiety and change in behaviour, if there's a change in routine or structure, the whole day is ruined. Another idea would be to warn him of a change in this routine and structure is going to occur.

At home, make sure he has clear boundaries and that you constantly reinforce over and over and over again, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells when he's around otherwise your handing the power over to him. I did read from your post that he will not pick on his brother because he knows he will not take it, this is exactly how it has to be with you also, as the parent. Talk with your partner and maybe implement some things you may not have tried so far, you have to regain the position of authority. I always say in my posts its easy to sit back and tell people what they should do, i understand its easier said than done! good luck, all the best :)