My 13 year old son and fiance do not get along

My son is 13 years old. I have been a single parent since he was 21/2 yrs old. He has been diagnosed with ADHD when he was 6 yrs old. My son is spoiled and is very disrespectful to me. He does not listen to me and thinks he makes the rules of the house. My fiance gets very upset when my son treats me with such disrespect and will voice his opinion to my son. This than creates a huge fight and stress in my house. I have been with my fiance for 2years now and we are expecting our first child in July. My son's behavior was like this before my fiance was ever in the picture. I think it is so bad now because my fiance will not tolerate his behavior. My son's father is not really in the picture, so I am sure this could be part of the problem. If anyone has any advice, I can not stand the fighting and stress and certainly don't want our new baby to born in house with such stress. Thanks

[AnnieBrooke]

Get to a family counselor.  Good luck!!!!!

[carolj722]

Thank you, I made an appointment today.

[redsmom]

I too am going through a similar situation with my 16 yr old son. We have been in counseling (me, my husband and son). It sounds like enmeshment between the two of you. This is an unhealthy bond between mother and son. It happens in single parent households when moms unwittingly make them partners. I was a single mom for the 1st 5 years of my sons life. We were a "team". I actually got back with his real father when he was 5 and he acted jealous. As he got older my son also isolated himself with very few friends. He saw himself as my protector and almost emotionally like a husband or boyfriend would. His dad was his adversary - like 2 men fighting over a woman. I know this sounds sick and I was mortified when I realized this. I saw him as my son and thought I was neing a good mom and just trying to protect him and provide for him. I had no idea. Often they become distracted and often do poorly in school and have few friends or outside interests. The anger comes from their inability to handle the pressure and guilt that have for their own needs. The best thing to do is to practice the art of indifference, be strong, do not let your son see you cry - that only makes it worse. Get a hobby, pull away and allow him to begin to develop his sense of self. His self esteem will improve, he will develop his own instincts. Let him fail at things. This is how he will learn. I know its hard but do it now so he can become a man and know it is okay to break away from mom and become a man. Tough love. Stand up to him and DO NOT show fear. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Give him chores to do and pay him some small something. This will give him a feeling of control and independence. He needs to see you and the step father as a team and united. It takes time but consistency is the key. We are still on our journey but see improvements. It is 3 steps forward, 1 step back.

[carolj722]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It made me cry, because it hit home. My son and I were a team and now I expect him to be a 13 year old boy. This must be very hard for him. I will take your advice, we are starting counseling next week. Thank you so much. It has been so hard because I think my family feels since my son does not like my fiance I should leave my fiance. I don't think I should have to make a decision between the two of them. If my fiance was physically or verbally abusing him then of course I would leave. But my fiance is just defending me and trying to make my son realize he should respect me. I appreciate your response, thanks again. Good luck, it sounds like your on the right track

[classictlc]

I am going through this right now.  My boyfriend does not think I disipline my 13 yr old son enough and that I let him get away with everything.  My son's father and I split up a year ago although we were not really together for the past 10 years, we lived together but did not speak to each other much.  So for the last year I have been with my son, no support and hardly ever seeing his father.  Which is ok with me.  Now my boyfriend who I love dearly and can see the rest of my life with him is very angry with me because he thinks I am too easy on my son and that it will come to hurt me in the end and that he will not take any disrespect from him towards him or myself.  We had a big fight last night and he told me that we were going to have issues about this.  I don't know how to take this and I don't want to lose my man, but he is right I am not very strick with my son although I want to be I just don't know how when my son (who is bigger than me) just says to me I am doing this and does it.  I can't control him.  What do I do?

[sil222]

hi i know how it feels my older son who is 18 does not get along with my partner the would constantly pick on each other just to annoy each other my son does disrespect me at times and talks to me wrong which we end up in an argument the my partner gets involved and yells and starts grabbing him and i am in the middle of this which i cant stand i dont no wat to do anymore my partner i feel does not like my older son he has a son of his own who will not soeak to him for 3 yrs over an argument they had i think he suffersalot from that my older son sometimes gets up in the morning and dosnt say goodmorning and my partner would comment and say to him in a smart way "dont u say goodmorning" then it starts from there! my son would tell my partner to **** off and tell my son not to do that and my partner yells at me saying i should make him appoligise then we fight i cant get in the middle of things i get very hurt and streesed i relly dont no wat to do anymore its affecting me badly