My 14 year old's behavior made my boyfriend move out
So I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, known him for 8. My son's father died when he was 6. So it has been just us for pretty much forever. My son starting acting out last year when he started high school. I found out he was ditching classes, he failed math, smoked marijuana. The list goes on. The night my son punched a hole in the wall and then ran away for 3 days was my last straw. I sent him to live with my mom out of state for a couple months till I could try to sort things out. I really think maby we needed a break. Since he left I starting going to family councelling so I could try to get better partenting advise. My boyfriend was quick to blame me for letting my son "spiral out of control". I mean the things that I found out were a suprise to me! I didnt share half the stuff I found out with my BF because I felt like he would throw it back in my face. I have since brought my son back, and my boyfriend moved out 2 weeks later. That was pretty much as soon as he could find a place. Its such a shock to me. He told me that if I can "fix" the situation with my son he will move back in. I feel horrible. My son has made some poor decisions in his life, but my job as his mom is to help him learn from them. I really love my boyfriend a lot, but I feel like he is putting me in a really hard spot. He blames me and my "parenting" for my sons poor choices and behavior. My BF has a 3 year old daughter that when he got full time, I re arranged my work schedule, and pretty much my life for. But it wasnt enough. He has never really tried to have a relationship with my son. From what I read, the things my son does is what a lot of kids do his age. Still I dont find that an excuse to act the way he is. He DOES get disciplined (cell phone taken away, computer, ipod, tv), and I just figured I will do my disciplining with my son on my own. I just dont feel like its fair or that its all my falut. I mean if his daughters acting out, does that mean that I just leave?? Im just looking for advise here. My son starts councelling next week, and he is getting matched up with a big brother soon. (through big brothers/sisters). I mean on my end i'm trying to make change, but I dont feel like everything is my falut. I cant be with him every second of the day, and at some point my son needs to grow up and take responsibility for his decisions. Any advise?
From everything youve said you ARE a good mother, I believe anyone who Try's to be a good mum IS,
Your b/f will find out when his daughter enters her teenage yrs. And I'm sorry to say, but even though you love him, it doesnt sound like he is the right person for you. If he takes off every time things get tough then he is the one who has a problem.
I have 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls, their father died when my youngest was 11, she was very close to him and became rebellious at` about 13 - 14 yrs old. she ditched school, got into all sorts of trouble ect. All you can do is let them know that you love them no matter what. keep doing what your doing, eventually he will settle down. I think its when you give up on thewm that they become worse.
My daughter is 17 now and she has matured and settled down wonderfully and we have a very close relationship.
I know people say you cant put your life on hold for your kids but any partner that walks out when things get tough for whatever reason, is not worth choosing over your children.
Understand that your son has had to make some major adjustments also, its been just you and him for most of his life, now he has to share you with a man he probably doesnt like.
I have been in a relationship for a few yrs now but we dont live together, i wont bring someone into my house while my children still live here. Its their home as well and they have a right to feel comfortable in their own home.
If you want to stay with your b/f try doing it without living together.
Just be patient with your son and talk to him. communication is very important with any relationship, be it partner or children.
Its so hard though. I found out today that my son is still smoking pot. I disconnected his phone and told him when he gives me a clean drug test that we can talk about turning his phone back on. He says that this is the only way he can deal with his anger. I told him there are other ways and thats what im here for and I will help him any way that I can. And if he refuses the next step will be rehab. He is so angry and rude to me all the time. I dont get it.
It could be your son is doing more than just smoking pot, could he be doing harder stuff?
As far as you BF, well to me it does not sound like he is the one. If he accepts you then he should accept your son & the responsibility that comes with the helping of guiding your son. Did you allow your BF to discipline him or are you the only one in charge of that? I can see where (since you are NOT married) you handle the problem, but what would you do if you got married? Too me most of the things your son is doing is typical of teen age rebellious behavior, I went through it....but matured after 18. All I can do is tell you to continue your ways of discipline with him when warranted. Now, i believed in corporal punishment, so he got the spankings and slaps across the face if he was disrespectful. How are his grades? What type of friends does he run with? Your BF will have his hands full in the next 10 yrs, mark my words....girls are a little wildier...I know I was...
I say u get him help now. Don't just send him to a relative. He needs more help then that. I would start with rehab, pot only leads to other drugs! Worse ones! I did them when I was his age. Then maybe boot camp, or somewhere that will be strict on him. It will be for his own good. As for ur boyfriend, he kind of seems like a jerk. I would just leave him alone, if he left that soon, then he didn't want to be there anyway. Try moving on. U sound like a great mother, ur son is still young, help him make the right decisions. It isn't ur fault but do help him. If u have any other questions feel free to mess age me.
From an outsiders prospective this is how i see it: Ditch the BF and work on helping your own flesh and blood! Your BF sounds pig headed and selfish, i'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but you'll have plenty of time for a BF but you wont have forever to help your son through the tough time he is having at the moment. I'm sure you will have so much more time, patience, empathy and confidence helping your son through this time wiithout the pressure your BF puts on you at present. I imagine it's hard trying to guide your son through, but he needs you! Wish you all the best :)
I agree with everyone else who posted- let the BF go, although I know it will be painful. As soon as I saw the title of your post,"My son's behavior made my boyfriend move out" I knew that your BF was putting you on a guilt trip. Your son is a kid- BF is an adult. And nobody can MAKE anybody do anything else-but your BF would like you to believe it because it takes all the focus off of him and lays the blame on you and your son. I think your BF has issues with commitment and maturity, especially since he is a parent himself and should understand grownups taking a back seat when kids are in trouble. It's SO easy to be all smug when your kids are little and your significant other's kids are teenagers and raising hell. I know, cuz I was the one feeling all smug when my husbands son was a teenager getting in trouble and my kids were little and easy to handle. Fast forward a few years and my kids are 16 and 12 and have had their share of problems. My hubby puts his 2 cents in when I don't want him to and pisses me off sometimes, but he never threatens to leave. That is just brutal and you cannot live with the threat of your BF walking out if your son does something to offend him. That is WAY too stressful for you and your son. My kids dad died when my children were 3 and 7- I know the void it leaves and I remember feeling desperate to find another man and be a "family" again. It took me a while to learn the harsh truth- nobody will replace their dad. It ***** that our kids lost their fathers- but they can still grow up to be healthy and happy- however, we must be extra strong for them. You and your son are a family and your son needs to know that he is #1 in your life. Of course you must discipline your son, as YOU see fit. I have a strong belief that step parents should NOT discipline their stepkids. My husband hates that rule at times, but I learned it the hard way and I stand firm on it. My advice is to let your BF be, and if he tries to reconcile with you, insist that he attend couseling with you and your son for at least 3 months before he moves back in. If he doesn't come back, you will be fine. Sad and lonely at first perhaps, but fine. Sit down with your son and talk to him. Let him know that you're worried and scared for him, that you know he is growing up and will make mistakes but that you don't want these mistakes to do permanent damage to his life. You are a good mom and you're right, you can't make your son's decision for him. He must make his own choices. I think that he may have an easier time if he's not trying to "compete" with your BF though- you may see a big positive change in your son sooner than you expect. Talk, listen, be firm, and hang in there. You and you son will get through this and come out stronger and happier than before.
No my BF never disciplined my son. I never had a problem if he would have, but they pretty much avoided each other in the house. If my son was doing something wrong, I delt with him and didnt really let him know what was going on. Maby that was part of the problem. I grew up with 3 sisters and my mom and aunt have been the ones helping me out when my son was younger and I was in school/work, so my son has been around many girls most of his life. My BF said my son is a girl in a boys body. He says that his only hope is the military. Instead of taking my son out and talking to him or spending time with him he is quick to nit pick him for every little thing he does, like leaving a dish out or not making his bed. I guess i just dont get it. He says when his daughter is that age that he would NEVER let things spiral this out of control. He blames me for the way I parent my son. He told me that since i didnt listen to him and take his advise on parenting my son that he was removing himself from the picture. I tell him that the reason I didnt listen to him is because he has a horrible relationship with his dad and step mom and his real mom. He dosent even talk to them unless its Christmas. And when they do all get together the conversation is generic. "Oh everythings great". I dont get it. I appreciate everyones advise and opinions! I am now starting to feel like if your in a relationship, you are a team. I never complained or threatned to leave when his babys mom was harassing me or his daughter wakes me up at 6:30 am. Never did i complain but try to make his life easier for him. Why is it so different with my son? My son is quiet, and shy, and has NEVER been disrespectful to my BF, just ignores him. but if he talks to him, he will answer him back appropriately. Whats the deal? Why is it so different with my son? I take his daughter out and do fun stuff (sea world, dinner, zoo), but he never did the same with my son. Why?
Oh, and he said he signed a year lease at his 1 BR apt he now shares with his daughter and he said if i can sort things out with my son he will move back in. He is suddenly being really nice to me and wanting to hang out all the time. I dont get it........
'My BF said my son is a girl in a boys body'. - I'm sorry but i draw the line here!
'Never did i complain but try to make his life easier for him'. - As a guy myself, i see this as wrong, never accomodate him if he is treating you this way.
'Oh, and he said he signed a year lease at his 1 BR apt he now shares with his daughter and he said if i can sort things out with my son he will move back in. He is suddenly being really nice to me and wanting to hang out all the time'. - Do you help him out with his daughter? I think he might be trying to string you along because it's convienient for him (in other words, she'll help me out if i'm nice to her).
'He says when his daughter is that age that he would NEVER let things spiral this out of control. He blames me for the way I parent my son'. - I'm sorry but if he doesn't help you discipline your son, he has NO right to tell you how to parent your son.
I know your in love but a guy like that, that yells out you for everything he doesnt, takes out all his anger on your son by yelling at him for tiniest of things, making fun of your son, is not a good guy for you OR your son to be around. If your son has never rebelled against him that probably why its all builfing up and he smokes for relief. You have to try and understand him without your boyfriend in the picture. If your son heres you boyfriend yelling to you about how you raised him so wrong and all this other stuff that you mentioned then he probably has wondered why you havent stuck up for him instead of yourself. You should say thats my son and if you cant accept him then your out of my life because he comes first. He depends on you for the care of his daughter where he is hippocritical. The problem is not your son its your boyfriend. Your son doesnt have a voice when he is around so he just hides away in his room. When he sees you caring so much for a child that came from your boyfriend and might be hard for him to watch you so happy around her and even though you try your best you may appear to be more desperate with him. If he is smoking you shouldnt take his phone away you should get him his own counselor where he can discuss things without anyone else around so he can feel completely open. Then when the time is right you will both talk and he can tell you things hes bottled up for so long. I believe you are trying your best, I just think you are lost and dont know where to turn. Punishment will not make him stop smoking it will just make him angrier and feel like there is no way out. Get him to a therapist not a family one, although I do think that helps too, but one just for him. I wish you and your son only the best.
Well thank you all for your advice. I have sent my son to a Residental Treatment facility. He was doing a lot more than I knew. He had even got arrested. I think the friction with my boyfriend started because Idid not want to hear from him what my son was doing. I always took offense and took my sons side, and did the same thing that my son was doing. Point the finger at everyone else. But in reality my son made the decisions he was doing on his own. He is getting the help he needs now before his behavior and addiction can get more out of control. I am thankful for all your help.
I'm glad that your son is getting help- hopefully he is ready to turn his life around. You would probably benefit from some counseling on how to help him now and when he gets out. I think it must be very hard to deal with addiction problems in your child- I dealt with it with my kid's dad and it was heartwrenching. It was so difficult to set limits and stand firm and I always wanted to believe that things "weren't so bad". That's just natural when we love someone, including our kids. I convinced myself that the kids my daughter was hanging out with were ok, and that they just "looked" bad and that it was fine that they were older cuz she is so mature... it was not ok. We are now dealing with the consequences of her being influenced by and taken advantage of by kids that I should never have let her hang out with. I think many of us "let" ourselves get bullsh*tted by our kids- we want so much for them to be happy, it's hard to argue with them and say,"No, this is NOT good for you and you are NOT leveling with me."
I have also fought wth my husband by sticking up for my kids when they have been doing bad things- it's the mother bear in us! And sometimes we don't see our kids realistically, and someone who is a little more distant can be helpful in advising us. But I think you may have HAD to protect your son from your BF at times- your BF sounds like he was awfully critical of your son. If he said the things to your son that he said to you- that your son was a girl trapped in a boy's body and the only hope for him was military school- well that would be terribly damaging to your son! My 2nd husband said almost the SAME things about my son, so I know the outrage and hurt you feel when hearing those words. So yeah, you probably weren't seeing things with your son exactly as they were, but you don't need your BF ripping your son apart either. I think that he sounds like he has jealousy issues with your son, and competes with him for your attention. I wouldn't let him tell you that he didn't do or say anything wrong and that the problems between you were all your fault. Your BF did not react in a kind, mature and supportive way- he was cruel and cold and unreasonable. I can't see how he will be of any help to you or your son with his attitude. My advice is to concentrate on getting on with your life and making healthy decisions so you can be happy and be your very best self to guide your son, who is going to need you now more than ever.
Best wishes and prayers,
I can hear what your saying as I'm a big sister to a brother whom is the baby of the family. He got himself in trouble where we lived so we sent h out of province to live with my dad. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my brother would of been 2 years old. My brother didn't have a male role model in his life to do the guy things with as our dad lived in another province. At the age of 13 my brother was sent to live with dad. After being their for 6months our dad was diagnosed with cancer. My brother stayed with dad throughout his battle with cancer and when my brother was 16 our dad lost his battle. My brother has a lot of anger and feels he was ripped off as he finally was able to have a relationship with his dad and his dad was very sick and unable to do the things a dad would like to do. So from a big sister point of view I can see what your sonay be going through as did my brother. As much as we woman parent our children they require a male and female to learn and grow. They are going to make mistakes but hopefully learn from them. I think tour doing the right thing. No man is worth the love of our children.
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