My 15 year old son exposed himself to my 3 year old neice :(

My 15 year old son showed his penis to my 3 year old neice and said "pretend its a lolypop", while playing hide & seek with my 2 nephews. This happened in my house while I visited with my brother in the other room. It was a very breif encounter & nothing happened (THANK GOD!) She mentioned, very casually, the word penis. My brother investigated (very cautiously) & found out what had happened. He brought this to my attention immediately. He & I sat & talked about it a bit, then I went home to face a very uncomfortable situation. My (beside herself) wife & I immediately asked my son about the accusations. He very shamefully admitted that it did happen but really didn't know why he did this. I could feel the shame  & embarressment radiating from him. He is a very sweet kid, a "tender" 15 year old. Not a problem or deviant in any way, good grades, school sports, he even has a girlfriend. Nothing like this has ever happened before, in any way. We are not naive parents, we are very optomistic & open minded, & have an unbelievable relationship with our (2) boys. They can tell us anything & they know it, & do it. This is sooo out of left field & odd. My brother is handling his side as he sees fit, & is seeking all the advise he can find, professional & from church as well. We are keeping touch on the whole thing & coparing notes. His wife is losing her mind, He most likely will never let his family near mine again (at least his daughter & my son). My son wants to apologize to him (with myself & my wife present), not sure if it will be able to happen. Any advice regarding what I can do, or thoughts regarding this situation would be appreciated.

[kirsteng266]

I totally understand were your brothers wife is coming from, i think it is normal for parents to have a reaction like this and i think you must give it some time to settle before approching with an appology.

Regarding your son, i would think he needs to be open and upfront with his feelings and needs to have done this. He has either seen it happen before, or by chance his girlfriend has done it to him before. Kids at their age are not stupid and probably know more about this kind of stuff than we do.

He just needs to understand that it is not appropriate to ask such a young child to perform that act.
If he was my child, i would also get him assesed by a professional or by someone in your church, just so that you are aware of anything else that might be going on, and also that he can get som clarrification on the situation from an outsider.

i am sure that once your brothers family see that you are handeling the situation and not just leaving it, it will make it easier for them to forgive.

Good luck

[Melissa_1982]

I can't imagine how you must be feeling as a dad, but unfortunately know EXACTLY how your brother & his wife feel.  A few years ago my then 17 yr old brother molested my then 4 yr old daughter & I LOST IT ! To this day he is not allowed near either of my girls, & my mother who sided with him after he denied it has only recently been allowed near my kids after 3 yrs!  

He is 15 so is just beginning his sexual exploration, but there is ABSOLUTELY no reason he should have made a comment like that to a little girl.  The wording that was chosen scares me. It doesn't sound like it's from a regular porn movie, but more something geared about kids.  I'm by no means suggesting your son is a danger to young girls or watches those type of movies, but if he was surfing the web for a movie it could've been in the list & he just clicked it.

I would suggest counselling not only for your son & family, but for your brothers family as well.  You are VERY lucky that your brother hasn't pressed charges, which are well within his right.

I'm sorry if this is not what you are looking for, but trying to give you some insight from the other side.  

I wish you luck & please keep us updated.

[banj90]

Things have just gotten way more complicated. A counselor that my brother spoke with told him that she is legally obligated to report this to Child Protective Services :( :( :(  Now we are freaking out regarding the legal ramifications. He is sooo not a problem kid, this could ruin his ENTIRE life. I don't know what to do! I am a "losing his mind scared" Dad.

[Melissa_1982]

By law they have to report it because it involved a child under the age of 16 & was of a sexual nature.  I'm sure your brother had no idea what to do & that's why he turned to this counselor for advice.  It will be entirely up to CPS & your brother whether or not charges are laid, depending on the state your brother may have no say in it.

I can only imagine how scared you are.  Has your niece had any issues since it happened?

[banj90]

No, nothing since at all. Trying not to bring up anything unneccessary either, keep it off the front of her mind. He & I are in constant contact about this, he nor his wife wanted it to go like this so he is doing all he can to protect my son as well, (bless their hearts!) they just wanted for all parties involved to get the counseling & help needed, within our control. It isn't looking too catastrophic thus far, but may still be addressed, which is fine. We need to talk to someone. My son overheard my wife & I talking the other night & started some devastating talk about hating his whole childhood & how school has always sucked & the mean people etc etc. :(  I'm staying as close to him as I can, spending time , talking, shooting the breeze, so that he can feel something besides depression & regret. He is such a happy soul that sometimes it's real hard to tell how deep the smile on his face goes. I find out more this morning, my brother met with the counselor last night again, who is in knowledge of what is going on with all of us. I have one hell of a support system here & one hell of an understanding brother. I can't even let myself cry yet, I've got to be in total control of my smiles & crys right now & I'm not real sure how I'm doing it.

[allmymarbles]

Your brother was out of line. The two families could have handled this. Your son does not sound like an experienced pervert. There will now be a stigma attached to him.

[dlr2007]

OK, I understand that your brother won't let your son be alone with your 3 yr old niece anymore and that this must be addressed in a serious manner, but taking her for counseling over this? I don't know... assuming your son didn't try to force her or threaten her, and it sounds like he did not, I wonder if all this commotion is traumatizing your niece a lot more than the experience with your son did. A 3 year old's attention span is quite short and they're pretty resilient- if she is now being brought to a therapist and questioned over and over about this, and made to talk about it, I feel that may be unwise. I would be much more worried about your son's emotional health than your niece's- this was a very disturbing thing for a 15 year old boy to do, as you know, and he's not going to forget it happened for one second like your niece might be able to do (if allowed to do so). I'm not saying your niece's feelings don't count by any means, I'm just saying that in my opinion, it would have been enough for your brother and sister-in-law to talk to her about it, comfort her if she was upset, then keep an eye on her and let her go on with being a normal 3 year old.

  I feel really badly for you, as you must be a wreck about this. All you can do at this point is stand by your son while at the same time admitting that he does need help and this is serious. Hopefully you can find a good therapist for your son who can help him sort through his issues and help you and your wife cope as well. Talking to a lawyer may be a good idea too- although it's awful that's it's even gone that far. I would continue to watch  your son very carefully and check in frequently on how he's doing emotionally- he must be terrified and ashamed right now, and teenagers don't always have the maturity to think their actions through. You need to keep him safe above all, which isn't easy when they are 16. I'm sorry this is all happening to you- hang in there.

[Melissa_1982]

Sorry I haven't been able to respond again before now.  I think your brother & sister-in-law are doing their best to keep the damage to a minimum by suggesting counselling & keeping contact with you.

If your son has started this new thing of complaining about his childhood & how he hates school & what not then it might be time to think that you aren't as close as you thought.  Sorry to say but he obviously has something bothering him & he is only now mentioning these other issues since this thing with your niece. It's nothing personal but most kids aren't very close to their parents through the teen years no matter how hard we try.  I agree that you should keep an eye on your son & definitely find him someone to talk to. I hope the damage from this isn't too severe & wish both families all the best.

In regards to DLR2007 - My daughter was 4 when she came to us & told us about what happened with her uncle.  This is now 3 years later & NOT ONCE have we pushed her to talk about it, but she still remembers EVERY detail & still suffers from it.  I resent you implying that a young child will not be affected by it.  the niece's parents don't sound like they are pushing anything on her, they are sitting & waiting to see IF anything comes up & will address it then.  

to ALLMYMARBLES - His brother DID NOT talk to a counsellor to cause problems, but more so to find out what they suggest he do. When this happens to your child you have no idea how to react & will grasp out to anyone for information.  

[dlr2007]

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter- I have a 13 year old girl myself, as well as a 16 year old boy, and can't begin to imagine the rage you must have felt. I can see that especially from your point of view, my response sounded like I was suggesting "burying" the whole incident and I understand that would be very offensive to you. I think that any child that experiences something like this should be assured that they can always talk about it, but I do think that the aftereffects of actually being molested would be much worse than a brief incident like Banj's niece went through. I just meant that it was an upsetting incident but since it stopped short of her actually being physically violated, it's possible that she might not have thought about it much and that it becoming the focal point of her world might not be healthy.. But if she was actually touched by the young man in question, I would never suggest skipping counseling. I think in this situation, the need for therapy should probably be dictated by the niece's reactions and behavior. It's a shame that Child Protective Services have gotten involved when it sounds like the family was handling it well.
  I was molested by 2 babysitters (they were brothers) when I was a kid, so I understand how it can be very damaging to a child and do lasting harm. In my case, it was back in the 70's and there was no counseling for things like that. It definitely affected my attitude toward men and sex, but it may have been different if therapy had been available.
  I hope that your daughter continues to share her thoughts and feelings with you freely- it sounds like you're doing a great job coping with something that must be terribly hard to deal with. Again, I'm sorry to have offended you.

[sadmom76]

I just had to experience this situation, I am the mother of a beautiful 4 year old. And the 15 year old was a friend of my son. I have been sick since it happend. Everyone tells me she will be ok since there was no contact and just the act of exposing himself and asking for the act of "as you say" act like it was a lollipop. Im extreamly thankful nothing more happend. We called the police and he refused to give a statement. Being the mother of the child it happend to i want this boy prosocuted to the full extent. His parents have seem to not give a thought to what he did. He even bragged at school the next day that he was arrested. Im not sure i will rest until he gets convicted. It sounds as your situation may be a bit different since there was remorse from your son. It might have been nice to atleast see that on my side.

[ParentOfTwoTeens]

We had a similar problem with our teen.

We saw a family systems therapist about it and didn't seem to be making any progress.

A friend of ours recommended a book to us and it really helped.

I'm not a salesperson, but if it helped us I thought maybe it could help you.

Good luck.

Hope you find some peace.

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[heidi827]

This just happened to us tonight...my brother called me with similar news.  It seems that my 14 year old son asked his 5 year old daughter to touch his penis.  Nothing happened, but now it's out in the open and we are trying desperately to deal with it.  What to do?  While nothing happened (no nudity or touching) just the thought of this being said or mentioned scares me, worries me about what to do for my son.  He is like the boy above, a good kid.  No trouble, good grades, sports, lots of friends...now what?  I feel like my family will be torn apart, or at best, never the same again.  I am devastated.  Help...