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My daughter is being shunned by some best friends
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My daughter is being shunned by some best friends

I have one daughter who is 15 yrs old.  She is very pretty, really sweet, and has a big heart.  She cares so much for other kids, that if one kids is being left out of somethings, she always makes sure that they get included.  She is also an only child and is mature for her age - she can handle adults as well as kids her own age.

My daughter - Kim - is going through a problem right now and I am at my wits ends on how to help her.  One of her best friends - Shannon -in the neighborhood, that she has known since kindergarden, decided to go to a party on New Years Eve - a party that my daughter wasn't invited too.  My daughter got very upset with her "best friend" b/c she thought they would going to do something together on New Years.  Text messages were sent back and forth - the other girl not understanding why my daughter (Kim) was upset.  

Then for the next few days, this "best friend" started shunning my daughter - which led to my daughter feeling really bad about herself.  Of course, other kids soon followed Shannon - who got a new car from her grandparents for her sweet 16th.

One of the worst parts is that I gave the sweet 16 party for this girl (her mom & dad helped financially but Shannon doesn't like having her mom around, so the party was at my house without the girls mom).

Between these two issues, Shannon has started ignoring Kim, only calling her when she has a problem.  I have told Kim to make other friends, but she is worried what school will be like now.  Can she sit with them at lunch?  Are they going to make plans in front of her and still not include her?

Can anyone give me some advice on what to say.  I hate seeing my daughter in such pain.  She's a good kid, very pretty and sweet, likes everyone.  I really think this started after the NYE Party rather than the Sweet 16.

Thanks for any wisdom someone could give me.
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203342_tn?1328740807
I know this is so hard to watch and I've been there! It breaks your heart to see your child shunned or mistreated. But as I tried to explain to my own daughter over and over, that's not how a true friend should treat you and you're better off without them. I know it's hard because their peers are so important to them and it's hard when they have to sit alone at lunch but encourage her to look for other kids with her same interests. Unfortunately, this type of thing happens all the time in high school and middle school and kids can be cruel. It's a harsh lesson but one my daughter had to learn herself. But one good thing came out of it. My daughter is much stronger now because of the things she's gone through and has really matured and knows what she wants. She can't wait to get out of high school (she's a senior) and says she's tired of all the drama. It took her years of mistreatment to realize a lot about herself and what a true friend is. It really does make them stronger.
Just be there for her. Let her know you're always there for her to talk to and keep the communication lines open. She needs that! And keep encouraging her to find some good kids that have things in common with her, maybe someone from youth group or a sport or after school activity she's involved in. And make a point of being there for her always. She'll remember that and appreciate that even as she gets older.

She sounds like a great kid! I'd say you've done a fine job of raising her thus far and she will go far in life. God bless.
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467797_tn?1216214857
I have been there also with my daughter.  Kids can be cruel no doubt about that and we, as adults, have to remember that teens have that whole "It's all about me" attitude.  It sounds like this friend of your daughter's found something more exciting and interesting then your daughter.  It happens to my daughter all the time and she too will do the same thing.  

April gave you great advice and I agree that you should just make yourself available for your daughter.  Try to make her realize that friends will come and go; that a true friend will stick with her thru thick and thin.  My daughter has her spells too where she will get tired of hanging out with one friend and start favoring another and then after a while go back to the original friend.  It's just the way teens are unfortunately.
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Avatar_f_tn
I would help you daughter by encouraing her to join a new club or volunteer somewhere outside the school community on a regular basis.  If she finds she can make a contribution and work with people who are not immature, two faced etc... her self-esteem will go up and she'll realize there's more to life than "friends who not true friends".  My daughter has certainly had her share of friend problems but she has so many outlets to focus on she doesn't have time to worry about "immature girl issues".  She has a group of band friends, her sport team friends, her volunteer friends from the barn she volunteers at every weekend, her school friends (a few groups), friends from summer camp etc....  The friends will come and go, just try to build your daughters self-esteem and confidence as much as you can.  Good luck!
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Avatar_f_tn
I am 65 years old and can state unequivocally that friends are not as important as they are said to be!  Thinking they are is what causes problems.  Mothers and fathers and other supportive, experienced and loving guardians are important.  Friends are not.  Children should be taught to go for what they want to do in school; to see what they can contribute; and for heaven's sake, learn to sit alone!  When you have the guts to sit alone or with someone who needs a friend, then you have all you need.
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Avatar_m_tn
I loved this last comment from the 64 year old who stated that friends are not as important. It was so refreshing! Thank you very much for your honesty.
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Avatar_m_tn
I loved this last comment from the 64 year old who stated that friends are not as important. It was so refreshing! Thank you very much for your honesty.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am 17 n have had this happen. Honestly friends are extremely important to have. No matter how close we are to our parents our friends always understand better. Because they are our own age. I would tell her to just ignore it. Hangout with new people her bff will prolly get jealous. Or tell her to make plans with her bff. True friendships don't end
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Avatar_f_tn
I am 17 n have had this happen. Honestly friends are extremely important to have. No matter how close we are to our parents our friends always understand better. Because they are our own age. I would tell her to just ignore it. Hangout with new people her bff will prolly get jealous. Or tell her to make plans with her bff. True friendships don't end
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Avatar_f_tn
I have just gone through this with my daughter.  I always question everything about a situation to make sure my girl has done nothing wrong either intentionally or unintentionally.  Friends are important at any age.  Not the MOST important as family is the Most important.  I have 6 friends that I have been BFF with since my sophmore year and I am 44 yrs old.  I went through the drama of realizing my previous BFFs were not friends at all. Is was torture. I left that group and good friends came along that summer.  My girl.  We moved to a new town/school in November.  February she started getting sick...took us 2 months to find a dr that would listen and she ended up spending a week in the hopital on her birthday no less.  Once back at school her BFFs ignored her.  She found out they were stating "she is faking it to get attention and not really sick"...I had to get a 504 plan in place for her. I spoke with her teacher who spoke to these girls.  All ended up good. So we thought.  Then 2 bday parties and no invite...then a 3.  Last friday she handed out her invites...tuesday no RSVp so I had her text her friends and this one girl stated "im busy" like usual.  I had a gut feeling things would get worse.  Then they stated they hadnt asked their parents yet...gut feeling got worse.  One by one they all declined up until thursday night when late one girl finally confirmed.  I decided to text the only parent I had a number for..I had 2 and wasnt sure which was which parent of this first Busy girl and sent a "I need a head count plz and would like to make this extra special in light of all my girl has been through.. no response to either number.  Next night. last night this mom text stating this girl would be there.  lol.  I texted back explaining all that had happened over the last few months.  She called and apologized to me.  Come to find out prior to her calling one number was the busy girls number...mom sounded a tad ticked at hearing about the text as she was clueless about it as well.  The busy girl texted my girl apologizing stating she wanted to be friends blah blah blah.  I have repsect for thisparent as she did the right thing.  And I am sure the busy girl got in trouble.  I never said anything to cause this mom to become defensive. The one girl who confirmed my girl stated party was cancelled and told why.  Then two other  of the 6 total texted apologizing and asked if she would still invite them if rescheduled. My girl got sucked into the apology of busy girl.  I told her the truth.  Look at the facts.  didnt tell mother about party or my text.  what happend at school previously.  no invite to other parties.  One girl has completely ignored her since Wed.  no reply at all.  The busy girl I talked about the most.  I gave "tough love".  and what others above have stated.  Make new friends that will not treat you this way.  They will come along.  Not long after that one of my bff from hs stopped by unexpectedly to visit.  Same one w another stopped at the hospital and brought my girl gifts.  These are true friends.  I believe people make mistakes.  But they will apologize and move on.  If they do not then you move on.  This broke my heart watching her go through this after all she had already been through.  Some girls getjealous.  Some get involved in things they shouldnt.  And sometimes a parent is not to blame.  I wonder if this other mom is strict and is why the girl doesnt want her around.  I would never let another mom givemy girls party.  Sorry.  If I couldnt afford it and was involved as a friend of the parent then yeah. Sounds like there is more than meets the eye at this girls home.  Its a fine line to try and help a friend not go down a wrong path and walking away.  Things got better for me after I took a break and spent time alone. Then all fell into place.  I hope this happens for you both.  
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