My teenager has gained weight

My daugther is 13 and has gained a lot of weight recently. She is 167cms tall, and weighs 60kg. She used to be fairly slim, but recently she has gotten very fat - her thighs have gotten thicker, and she now has a bit of a tummy (she used to have an almost flat stomach). I have tried to hint to her that she has gotten bigger - by buying clothes which are a couple of sizes smaller than she ever was, watching her attempt (and fail) to squeeze into them, and then saying things to her like: 'Oh, I thought you were that size - didnt you used to be? Have you been snacking?'
Really, she needs to lose about 15kg - but I just don't know how to tell her that she has gotten rounder, heavier, and extremely fat. Should I just come out and say it? Keep hinting and hope she gets the message? Or go all the way, and put her on a 1000 calorie diet until she loses her flabby gut?

[AUSTIN431]

first of all to buy her clothes that you know are to small and then say to her i thought you were that size have you been snacking just wrong i think she gets your "hints" completely the wrong thing to do i had problems with my weight when i was a teenager from being to skinny to being to overweight and every time my mom would "hint" about it or buy me clothes that were not the right size it just made me feel horrible about myself and i'm sure your daughter feels the same i don't know why she's gaining weight maybe she's never had a weight problem so she hasn't learned about calorie counting and exercising , or maybe something at school is stressing her out but a honest conversation is always better than playing mind games with your child and i wouldn't put her on a diet a diet only works if she wants to be on it or else she'll just sneak food i think finding out why she's gaining weight and making sure its not about her losing weight its about the whole family getting healthy is the way to go the more you single her out for her weight the worse she's going to feel about herself

[AUSTIN431]

by the way i'm usually a peaceful person free speech and all that but what you called her daughter in your post really went to far it was enough to say that she had gained some weight and you were concerned but to go out of your way to call her"rounder, heavier, and extremely fat" and to say she needs to lose her "flabby gut" and " that" she has gotten very fat" for fifteen lbs just wrong i hope you don't say those things around her or your home i would hope not at all but i know thats not true so i just hope you don't show your daughter how disgusted you are by her

[patient915]

From my calculations she is 5 feet 6 inches and 132 pounds, and you would like her to be 99 pounds.  This would mean that her current BMI is about 21 which is totally normal.  You would like her to have a BMI of 16 which is very underweight. I think you need to rethink what is a healthy weight for her and what she "should" look like.

[adgal]

I don't usually post here, but somehow stumbled upon this post.  I have to say in all honesty that I think what you are doing with the clothes is just downright cruel.  Girls that age tend to struggle with poor self body image..something that can stay with them their whole lives and cause huge problems with self esteem and even lead to dangerous eating disorders.  She needs to know she is wonderful and beautiful no matter what her size (although I agree with patient, she certainly doesn't sound overweight to me).  Instead, focus on a family healthy life style.  Healthy food and snacks, exercise, lots of outdoor activities.  Make this a family focus and make it fun.  Try going bike riding, for walks after dinner, swimming etc.  As her mother, you set the example in how you live. Focus on her being healthy, not supermodel skinny and you will have a happier, healthier child who feels good about who she is.  

[Clysta]

I too don't believe she's overweight. She's slightly larger than others her age, but that doesn't make her fat. Your "hints" are likely to be deeply hurting to her, and she doesn't have to be a stick---It could also leave emotional scars that last for the rest of her life. I should also mention that putting your daughter on a 1000 calorie diet is likely to do more harm than good. Not only is she a growing girl who NEEDS them, but too few calories will cause the body to start clinging to everything it takes in and she'll either plateau or start to gain weight. It is also unhealthy to be so small, and you shouldn't force it on her to suit your tastes.

You're her mother, you need to support her regardless of how she looks. Is she happy and healthy? If so, then forget about it.

[dominosarah]

It's not what is on the outside that is important, it is what is on the inside.....Therapy would help YOU understand that.......sara

[RockRose]

I agree with the others,  this sounds like it may be a healthy weight.  It depends on her skeletal frame - if she has a narrow frame,  she is heavy.  If she has a heavier broader frame,  it sounds like this might be close to ideal healthy weight.

She might be putting on the pounds in preparation for puberty - both girls and boys plump up a little then.

If she continues to gain weight really quickly,  it's a concern.  You don't say how long it's taken her to go from a girlish thin body to a relatively heavier shape - if it's a couple months,  that's a concern that there is a metabolic problem.

I agree with the others that it's really a bad choice to buy her clothes you know are too small. At this point she must be wondering why you are so unobservant.

[specialmom]

Rockrose brings up a good point.  

First, I think we all read this post from the point of view that we as a society should not be so concerned with the aesthetics of each other.  Being super skinny is  highly overrated as a former skinny girl that did nothing but worry about my weight.  I'm happier now in the normal range without the emotional baggage of constant concern over every morsel that hit my mouth and how many hours of working out I clocked for that week!  And I still look good (just ask my husband . . . :>)).  So when I first read your post, I was caught off guard by a mother that wants her daughter to be super skinny.  And one that used words like fat to describe her own daughter----------- knowing how fragile the self esteem is of a young teenager.  Most kids can sense when their parents don't like something about them and it leaves a mark . . . a painful one.  


As mentioned, many at that age begin to develop a different body than they had as young children or pre teens.  They 'fill out'.  A mother's role is to encourage one to be healthy while at the same time being happy with who they are.  

However, the point Rockrose made that I think is important is if she has gained weight recently.  That is a sign of some things.  It could be something to do with her changing hormones and her thyroid or it could be a symptom of depression or something as ominous as she is being sexually abused.  You need to make sure none of these types of things are going on----------- in a compassionate motherly way.  

And if they are not, your best course of action no matter her weight is to model healthy living.  Take family bike rides, go for walks, encourage physical activity for the whole family as well as eating healthy.  I do think with eating, everything in moderation is a good attitude but that is just me (former obsessive skinny girl talking).  But most of all, you want to keep her sense of inner self strong and confident.  Don't give her reason to doubt herself based on looks.  Just encourage everyone in the house to be healthy.  She would just be one of the pack then and not feel singled out.

Oh, and if you are an obsessive skinny type, it would be cruel to apply that lifestyle to your child.  Not everyone wants to live that way or sees bones as attractive.  We all need to be who we naturally are as long as it is healthy.  Good luck

[dlr2007]

I found your post disturbing and am wondering if you have a body image problem yourself and are projecting onto your daughter. She is a perfectly normal weight! To buy her clothes that are too small just to have her not be able to fit into them is hurtful. Have you ever tried to struggle into a pair of jeans that were too tight? It makes you feel fat and disgusting and unattractive- not the way you want your daughter to feel.
  I'm sure your daughter looks just fine, but if you expect her to have a body like a supermodel, you will see her as being fat and out of shape. That makes me so sad- we as mothers should be the one person our daughters can ALWAYS count on to view them with loving eyes and think they are beautiful! I have a 13 year old daughter and also have 2 grown stepdaughters, so I'm well aware of how fragile a teenage girl's self esteem is, even if they act tough.
  I don't how your daughter's behavior is and if she's doing well in school and her social life, since you seem to be primarily focused on her appearance. I'm sure she gets that message loud and clear- "Get all the good grades you want, be as smart and funny and creative and kind as you will, but unless you're skinny, you'll always be a failure in my eyes." Not a good message to send her.
  I really think that you should go to a counselor with your daughter- all this worry about her body is simply not healthy. Of course we like our girls to look good. Let's face it, life is easier if you're physically attractive. But nobody is perfect, and we have what we're born with. If your daughter was dangerously obese or gaining weight at an alarming rate, that would warrant concern- NOT criticism. However, this is not the case. I'm afraid that if you don't get some help on how to become a supportive, loving parent, your daughter is at great risk for severe problems, such as eating disorders, drug abuse, promiscuity and teen pregnancy. If she doesn't see admiration and approval in your eyes, she will look elsewhere, and she might not find it in a safe place. Even if you don't say "I think you're fat!" she can tell how you feel- kids are very perceptive. And believe me, it hurts her deeply. I know I sounded harsh, but I couldn't hold back on this. Please see a counselor- remember, you are the MOST IMPORTANT female role model your daughter will ever have. Your actions and how you treat her will shape who she becomes. Help her become a strong, proud woman, no matter what size she is.

[overopiates]

Just wanna say  ur an AWFUL example for her.She is normal YOU ARE NOT!!Are u TRYING to give her an eating disorder?Geez this makes me sick u calling her fat.What are u going to do when she grows up and gets pregnant.YOU NEED HELP LADY

[Londres70]

Agree with overopiates, dlr2007 and patient915.  Absolutely true.  

Get a grip.  That is so cruel.  

[heatherw26]

You are doing exactly the same thing that my dads second wife did to me.

Do you know what happened to me? I had SERIOUS self-esteem issues growing up. I was depressed and absolutely miserable. It got so bad I quit visiting my father to stay away from her.

By time I turned 18 I had a serious eating disorder and ended up loosing 80 lbs. I was seriously malnurished and sickly. My now ex step mother had her wish come true. I was a disgusting twig like her daughter. My husband spent the past 6 years helping me, coaxing me to eat and be normal. 6 years...oh and I resent her. My dad divorced her because of what she did to me over the years and it took me almost 10 years to start talking to him again.

[sassy999girl]

I'm not sure if anyone else has asked but is she pregnant? You may want to rule that out first, just my two cents.