Self harming as manipulation

My 16 year old has been self harming for 2 years. I did not know as her father  has taken sole custody after  14 years of abscence. Legally I cannot do anything due to her age and lack of parenting orders. To cut a long story short, she lied to me, I caught her out, she lied to the police. I challenged and grounded her and she chose to hate me and  live with her father. Her father is a violent bully and been so since I fled the marriage..although she lives there she admits he pays next to no attention to her and I feel she is trying to get her attention. She cuts.. a lot, Our relationship is fractured  due to the Big Lie and she admits she treats me bad, her father  has  made all contact difficult and admits to me he has played some mind games with her.. she for some reason defends him. but cuts and cuts, and  she  says if I love her.. I will do as she demands.. her demands are unreasonable and she fails to see how our relationship broke down due to her lies. I dont know what to do seems every time I  try to make contact her  father or her  sabotage it, if I ring  her dad listens in, he rings and mocks me hoping I cry myself to sleep and brags how he  has  messed up her  mind in order to pay me back for divorcing him after  the violence. My daughter is suffering.. she is convinced I do not love her when I refuse to  play the mind games, i stopped ringing because  she was rude or  he listens in and makes fun of my tears, he doesnt put her on the plane if i pay for flights and  admits he  tampers with me emails to her  removing whole sentences...eg the ones where I say I love and miss her.. he bans contact often. I worry about her, she  slashes if I dont ring, she slashes if I do ring and challenge any behaviiour, if I  am not sugaerly sweet sucking up to her  she  cuts, but I cannot bring myself to pretend nothing is wrong...but too hurt from her nasty bullying behaviour she picked up from her dad. There is so much more, Its so messed up and I have no idea how to handle it. My birthday she said she was coming, then she said she wasnt allowed, then she said she will come with her boyfreind some guy I dont know on drugs, and she said if I  dont have time with her  alone it means I dont love her, but if I cancel my 40th party, she wins and she will be wrappped up with her boyfriend..and then she announced I had to pay for the tickets, and I feel if I go ahead with the party I am missing on the vital few hours with her, but I dont want to cancel a big party and the house is  fulls many  ppl I dont get to see much..I tried to  discuss it..saying they could come on a weekend without the guests and I could enjoy our time. and she  dropped the  phone and said I was always cross with her .. and cut.. her dad rang and abused me.. sigh  its  never  ending.  I am dammed  if I do  and dammed if I dont. I amm trying not to give in to her  manipulation, but  she cuts if I don't behave the way I should in her  mind of fantasy... meanwhile she is trying every attentionseeking trick in the book.. dying hair  endless  pericings  threats of  full body tattoo, even saying she was gay and me assuming I would judge her  (Is aid  simple she is too young for sex whether be with male or female)
There must be a way to handle this  near naraccistic behaviour and restore the relationship but I do not know how... I know so much is  attention seeking, but... its  hard after 14 years of a close mother  daughter  relationship, to lose her to her  absent bully of a father and watch her  change and make  unsafe choices  , but worse our relationship so damaged, I think she is scared of her father. so worried she might put the knife in too hard, or  continue blaming me for her pain, she  has   told me many many lies  I have  caught her out on, and she  cuts when I  challange her on them, the big lie was she had  underage sex, but told me she was raped in the park. ..she confided to a youth pastor who refused to break confidentialty (she was sacked for trying to over  mother  kids and take them as her own she got kicks out of  having other  kids call her mom)  and tell me the truth, so I called the  sexual assult team who did a rape test and not only was she not raped, she was  still  a virgin and had not actually  properly had  proper  sex with her boyfreind. Even with that evidence  she still 100% beleives her lie of  being raped..and  often uses  that as an excuse to self harm,...I swore at the youth pastor for keeping that  secret and making her go thru the test and it did not help...her lies  and  worse her believing her lies  is  scary,

[AnnieBrooke]

If you had a close relationship for 14 years, your daughter knows in her heart that you love her.  Next time you see her, pass her a note and tell her just to put it in her pocket and read it on the plane.  In it simply say "I love you, your dad has messed with your head and deleted my emails, never forget I love you and am here for you."  Don't buy into the drama and cancel birthday parties and all.  See a therapist.

[siennarose]

Yes I  ended up seeing a counsellor  today, I was distraught and getting caught up with the games and stress.