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Sleeping with 14 year old son, appropiate or not?
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Sleeping with 14 year old son, appropiate or not?

Hello, I just have a question pertaining to my GF and her 14 year old son. She has been a single Mom for half of her son's life and then got married when the boy was at age seven (Her ex-husband was not his biological father). Obviously she has now gotten a divorce and we met early on in her seperation from her ex-husband (alittle over a year ago). I have noticed that on occassion her 14 year old boy sleeps with her whenever I'm not there (I work nights four days out of a week) and recently - in the last week or two - this behavior has somewhat increased. He has slept with her probably three or four nights that I haven't been there over that time frame. I feel uncomfortable with that situation occurring, mainly because of the child's age but also because neither one of them (especially my GF) seem uncomfortable with it. Furthering more background to this is the fact that the boy is more sexualized for his age then some other kids that I know in his age group. Also in her previous relationship with her ex-husband, the boy would try and sleep together with them and be forced by the ex-husband to sleep on the floor in their bedroom, right up until the boy was roughly 12-13 years old, when finally he slept in his own room. Finally, my GF did confide in me that one night last summer, he did enter her (our) room and tried to "imitate" me while she was sleeping - talking in a low voice, calling her by her name rather than as just "Mom" and some other things that I did find disturbing. I feel that I'm not over-reacting to this and I haven't brought it up with her yet, but feel that maybe alittle honest feedback would help me before I decide on what my next action should or shouldn't be.
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Avatar_f_tn
I really don't think there's anything inappropriate going on there...given the ex-husband forcing him to sleep on the floor (or at least not with them), it may b that sleeping with her constitutes some form of reassurance and...kind of anti-rejection?  (I'm sure there's a word for that that I don't remember).  
Regarding what happened last summer, if he feels comfortable enough with her to sleep in the same bed, he may also have felt that she was a safe person on whom to "try out" that kind of behavior, especially if he thought she was asleep.  I agree that that's a little creepy, but it seems more like a sign of immaturity in some areas than of anything bad going on.  
I wouldn't advise doing anything just yet...keep in mind that he's 14, an age at which people change very rapidly, and the process of differentiating from the parents begins.    It's very possible that he will decide he doesn't want to sleep with her anymore sometime in the near future.  Unless something changes in such a way as to make you concerned, I'd say leave it alone for now...if it's still going on by th time he turns 15, then you can start worrying, although the problem there is more one of a probable lag in emotional development than of anything inappropriate per se.  
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Avatar_m_tn
You do make some valid points and I understand that he may feel threatened by me and my relationship with his mother (as she has stated to me frequently that her son does recognize how much we are in love with one another). Yet he has never shown too much of an outward sign of aggressivenss or anger towards me and has gotten less so as time has passed. Saying that, I have to admit that I wasn't totally forthcoming in giving all the details of what happened last summer - in that some of the other "disturbing behavior" he did also included asking her to "let's make out." His mother does have a tendency of being half asleep/half awake and not always cognizant of what's going on around her in this state - he would obviously be aware of what she is like under these circumstances as well. And while I respect that he maybe "trying out" some kind of behavior - as you have stated - he has no issue with getting girlfriends and isn't shy with them either and I would like to keep in mind that he was - as his mother stated - seemingly trying to imitate me when doing this.
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Avatar_n_tn
When our kid's are dealing with issues that our world throws at them on a daily basis I believe it does not hurt to share a bed with your teenage son. If all parties involved are aware of the reason for the support. When my 15 yr old son is troubled which is what we are facing at the moment he is having school problems and is on may police charges, he is confused and needs that parent/adult support at the troubling time, we often chat on my bed then he does go to his own room but he knows he is welcome if he needs to be with me and do not find this behaviour  inappropriate. If my son needs me I will be there 24/7 as all we parents do.
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Avatar_n_tn
I think you should ask for some family counseling to take place if you are planning on getting married. You should phrase it that since there is an ex-husband in the picture and a young man that would be your stepson that you would like to make sure there would not be any problems between all of you. Maybe you have some other issues that you could use as an excuse also. Usually a seperate meeting will take place for each of you where you could bring up the subject and see if it is considered normal.

I can understand an occasional time of being upset or hurt and needing some comfort but this seems not to be the case here.

I am a grandmother of a soon to be 15 year old and this doesn't seem like normal behavior to me especially since he is already involved with girls.

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Avatar_n_tn
I don't see anything wrong with his behavior. I have a 21, 18, and and 13 year old and they all slept with me all the time, since my husband is always gone at night at work. They would fight over, who was going to sleep with mom. They always hugged and kissed me all the time. They still do even though the 2 older ones are out of the house they still come over from time to time and still sleep with me. Maybe your girlfriends son was making fun of you by acting like you. He might not like you for some reason. Maybe he fills like every guy that comes into his mothers life is going to end up hurting her,and he wants her to fill like hes always there for her all the time. At the same time he needs to fill that his mom stll needs him. That's just his comfort zone, he just fills safe sleeping with his mother.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think this behavior is worrisome. I have a 15 year old son and can't imagine him coming into bed with me and saying "Let's make out." I would truly be horrified if he did, and immediately get him into counseling- after booting his butt back to his room where he belongs. Has your gf considered putting an end to this, telling her son to sleep in his own bed because he is a young man now? I don't think you are overreacting- I think that this poor boy sounds quite troubled and his mom needs some parenting counseling to help her figure out the issues that are going on. She also sounds like she may have trouble either "letting go" of her no-longer-litttle boy or maybe it's that she has trouble putting her foot down with her son and setting limits. It's hard to say no to kids, but it needs to be done, otherwise they never learn how to act.
  When you mention that the boy seems overly sexualized for his age, do you mean that he is sexually active? Or that he simply talks a lot about sex and comes on to girls a lot? This could be way off base, but I wonder if he's ever been sexually abused. It just sounds like he has sexual behavior mixed up with regular parent/child affection. I say goodnight to my son most nights, and he will ask me to scratch his back or rub his feet or shoulders- but there is a very clear line of what kind of physical interaction he tolerates from me. Anything too cuddly, even though I obviously have only pure intentions, is met with "Eww, Mom, stop!" Hugs are to be brief and kisses are discouraged- there is NO chance of cuddling in bed. This is because he has experienced sexual attraction/contact with girls and the thought of interacting in any similar way with Mom makes him sick. From what I know of teenage boys, this is pretty typical. Some are more affectionate, some less- but I think you are absolutely correct to think something is "off" with how your gf's son relates to her- and how she allows him to relate to her. This is a precarious situation, but I don't think it will get much better if left alone. It seems like this boy wants to replace you when you're not there, and I'm wondering how he feels inside when you are there, even if he acts OK. Some hostility is normal from teenagers when their mom dates, but this sounds more like him wanting to BE you than drive you off.
  I think that JoJo is right- bring up the idea of counseling for all of you in the most tactful way possible. You don't really need to tell your gf that this is the reason you want counseling- she may become defensive. You could just say that you really want this to work well and for everyone to adjust happily, and you think you could benefit for some group counseling with them to be sure you become a supportive, positive figure in your gf's son's life. I admire you for taking this on- I hope everything works out for you all.
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974911_tn?1266366403
I think that this behaviour is problematic and that family counseling is in order!  He's too old for this behavior and if you plan on taking this relationship further, it could present huge problems down the line!  Honestly, the mother should really put a stop to it IMHO!

Prayers are with you...
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Avatar_n_tn
Hey there,

I am amazed at some of the responses to your query. I do not think this is appropriate behaviour. If you are worried about it also - I say trust your instincts. You were concerned enough about it to seek help for it. If you don't believe me, talk to a therapist, a psychologist and definitely do this before you are married. The boy SHOULD NOT feel comfortable "trying" to make out with his mom. No no, not good at all.
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Avatar_f_tn
My opinion.

Not appropriate behaviour IN ANY WAY, NO EXCUSE FOR IT.

There are issues there..
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Avatar_f_tn
Sounds pretty odd to me, that a 14 year old boy would want to sleep in bed with your girlfriend. Is he doing anything sexual? I understand that a mother would like to cuddle with her child no matter what age they are. Sometimes I sleep in the same bed as my 13 year old daughter as well. (FYI, I am her mother). I think that the only thing that matters is the boy's intent. Is he trying to be sexual? Or is he just wanting to be closer to his mother? Honestly, I don't think it's appropriate for him to be in there every night. I only sleep with my daughter in the same bed like every once in awhile when she's feeling sad or if she's freaking out over a thunder storm or something.
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Avatar_n_tn
it all depends on the way his mother raised him. for example im a 15 year old girl and i hate when my mom touches me and i dont even know my dad. i refuse to even sleep in the same rooms as either of them. so, sleeping in the same bed is her could just be because he has a strong connection with his mother. however, its a psychological disease to be in love with your own parent. i would say some counseling, or even a psychiatrist, would be beneficial.
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Avatar_n_tn
wtf.
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Avatar_f_tn
THIS IS WRONG WRONG WRONG....my ss also of the same age,,his mother is creepy like this too. Sleeping in bed and holding hands in public,,,kissing on the mouth also. Makes me sick.

We have told the 14 year old this is NOT normal behavior but the mother wont stop.
She no longer has custody.
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Avatar_f_tn
Im younger than her son and I would say its pretty normal especially if hes been sleeping with her since he was young. My brother use to share a bed with my mom all the time when he was that age. Also you have to remember youre the new one in the family so you shouldnt feel uncomfortable with him sleeping in the same bed as his mother when youre gone, I mean its her son for gods sake
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Avatar_n_tn
Wow, I cannot believe the horrible advice you have been getting on this board.  Anyone....ANYONE who thinks that this is normal behavior should really seek counseling for their own parental issues, and/or they do not understand puberty and male sexuality.  This is not the child's fault, so do not be angry with him, it is your girlfriend's fault for not setting boundries and establishing a healthy Parent/Child relationship.  Her unwillingness to do so has forced a severe Oedipal Complex on this boy.You need to put a stop to this IMMEDIATLEY.  Imagine that you have two children of opposite sexes and liked to bathe them together, which is fine, when would you stop?  You would probably stop either at a time when you thought it was inappropriate or when one of the children started to notice the difference in their bodies...when the child was aware of the different sexuality.  This 14 year old boy is well aware that his mother is a woman.  At this point he feels that it is normal for him to replace you while you are working.  The creepy behavior of that one particular evening is a SERIOUS WARNING SIGN...do not ignore it.  The young man has sexualized his relationship with his mother and she has done nothing to discourage it.  If it continues on it will be to the detriment of the boy, the mother, and your relationship with both. Who knows what he has been oing while she is asleep?  She caught him this time, but who knows if he has copped a feel or what-have-you while she was in deep rem sleep.  The boy may get sexual gratification out of the sleeping arrangement at first and then feel massive guilt about it afterwards, which may cripple him from having normal sexual feelings towards girls his own age and other non-relatives.  He could grow up feeling guilt anytime he is sexually aroused and thus be unable to communicate with girls in a healthy way.  It will definitely intrude upon his relationship with his mom, and her with him.  she should be able to hug and kiss her own child without fear that he is aroused by it, and he should be able to be nurtured by his mother without the feelings of guilt described before.  Eventually, if this continues, he will resent the times when you are home and feel severe jealousy at the fact that you are sleeping with his mom, when he wants to be the one sleeping with her.
My advice would be to end this immediately.  Talk to your gf, let her know the harm she is doing to her child, and let her know that the "creepy" thing that happened is not going to be an isolated incient, it was a sign that shoul have woken her up to the fact that he is sexually attracted to her.  Ignore anyone here is thinks this is normal...it is definitely not.  Good Luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
We have some friends who are recently divorced.  They have 2 children - a boy 8 and a girl 17.  They have both grown up sleeping with their mother and continue to do so when they are at their Mother's house.  

I was recently told by my friend (the mother) that when the daughter is at her dad's house alone, he has allowed her to sleep with him.  While I believe it to be completely innocent, I was horrified to think that any man would allow a 17 year old daughter to share a bed with them.  Granted she is very immature for her age, but she is 17 just the same!  This man is a police officer and I think he should know better!

The mother didn't seem concerned at all about it.  Am I crazy for being so alarmed by this?
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1327415_tn?1294061489
well i'm 17..... and last year when i was really upset i used to beg my dad to let me sleep in his bed. he stopped letting me when i was like 14 and it was really upsetting.
i really do not think there is any thing wrong with the girl sleeping in bed with her dad. i wish i still could, when i am upset i still really want to ask but i know that if he says no i will be even more upset.
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Avatar_f_tn
Erections, Arent you all forgetting Erections etc,   Getting an Erection with your mom in the bed,,,,,,,,,,seriously
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Avatar_m_tn
There is a term for this - its called enmeshment, look it up. It is essentially emotional incest. I know the mom did not mean it this way but this is how the son is intrepreting their relationship. Sexual behavior is one indicator. She needs to establish healthy boundries or her son will have nothing but troubled relationships as an adult. Been there and fixing it now!
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Avatar_m_tn
It is very important to understand the entire post written here, in that a child is imitating an adult with his mother.  This would need to have some intervention with either mom or mom and boyfriend. This could become problematic for the child in the later years, and there should be no talk of "it's okay".
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Avatar_m_tn
Goin through the same thing..my partner's son grabs her breasts and makes comments still wants to sleep in the bed with her..he will go up just before we do to make sure he in her bed...at times it seems they are flirting with each other and she does mummy him.He is 14 and all she does is speak about him to like she is in love with him..
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Avatar_f_tn
I would think that the boys problem is emotional of some sort, having been torn between many fathers. He most likely dosnt know who to trust besides your gf. That's why he sleeps with her because he feels safe and sheltered. I would recomend maybe some counseling and sit down with the boy. Talk to him about it and ask him why he wants to sleep with her. He needs his own bed in his own room. Maybe give up a few nights with your gf to spend in a seperate bed with the boy and you. This will build a better relationship between the both of you and it may make him trust you and feel safe when with you. Then maybe try to wein him of co sleeping and into his own bed.
I don't see anything wrong with kids of any age spending the occasional night with their parents but it shouldn't happen all the time.
I am the single father of two adopted boys age 12 and 15. They both have their own beds in their own rooms but occasionally come into my queen bed to spend some time with me. Some weekends they might crawl into bed with me in the morning for a cuddle or a wrestle before breakfast. I rarely allow them to stay the night with me and they understand this but I do make allowances some times for example we had a break in last summer and the older boy was threatened. He slept with me for several nigts afterwards. Another time was when one was sick so i let  him watch tv beside me in bed when he fell asleep so I just let him sleep on.
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1444053_tn?1365460415
All families have different values and rules so theres no yes or no answer to this situation,my son slept in my bed for a long time and especially when his dad was nightshift,then my daughter was born when he was 13 and she then would sleep with us till she was older as well.Lately its been really cold and our girl(now 14) has jumped into our bed trapping me between her and her dad,its not fun and I dont get much sleep.
Now on a different note, the night the son pretended to be you in bed is a bit worrisome, have you all discussed with him what he did that for?
Basically when she was single he was head of the house, and the previous guy seemed a bit harsh making the boy sleep on the floor, I think he is just testing his ground maybe even trying to have his mum to himself again.Best advice is all talk openly and also seek professional help if needed
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Avatar_f_tn
Well his mother is all he has, the divorce probably hurt him a lot. Also he could have terror issues and she just makes him feel safe.
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Avatar_f_tn
My cousins male child, (15 in a few weeks), has been sleeping with his mother for the past 5 yrs because he's "scared" to sleep by himself since his Grandmother died in their house.  It's sick....she talks about how he runs his toes up her back like when he was a baby...makes me physically ill.  This child is already shaving, has pubic hair, according to her, and she thinks nothing of him going into the master bathroom to shave while she's in the shower.  GLASS door shower.  If you could hear their conversations it sounds like he pretends he's married to her.  I used to think nothing else was going on but I really do wonder now.  Nothing about this is normal and I'm seconds away from calling child services.
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Avatar_f_tn
Children need support during troublesome times, especially during separation or at times of family upheaval.  There is nothing remotely "sexual" about any child being in their parents bed and implying this says more about that person than the actual situation. See it for what it is, a child wanting to feel safe. Some (esp boys), may even feel they are protecting mum by keeping her close, especially if there was verbal / physical abuse from her partner.
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Avatar_f_tn
well im 20 and after i was 4 i slept in my own room, with the occasion my dad was at work i would sleep with my mom cause i was scared without him there, but after i was 10 this never happened again on the other hand my brother who is 14 now always slept in his own bed and then my mother and father got a divorce when he was 13 and took it really bad when he was with my mom hed sleep in her room and when he was with my dad hed sleep in his room, i think most of this came from the divorce but he never did anything with them or even ever joked about it, i think its disturbing for a 14 year old to be making these coments cause they are mature enough to know better but just sleeping with your parents isnt a bad thing it doesnt need to happen all the time but when something bad happens it should definitally be allowed
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5840009_tn?1395493115
He definitely needs some boundaries and should sleep in his own bed. This isn't healthy for any of you❕
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Avatar_f_tn
You have some valid points, but that is a strong accusation to make . She is aSingle mother, usually boys who have a single mother tend to be close to them, my brother is 14 years old and is Extremely close to his mother and to me. It's completely normal that he is sleeping in his mothers bed. But talking to her in a low voice and not calling her by her name is not normal. That is something that maybe you should sit her down and really talk to her about .just don't stress yourself out, it may not be what is seems
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7515189_tn?1391523728
Never delay reporting this type of behavior even if you just slightly suspect something is not right.  More often than not, it is true unfortunately. I think boundaries need to be set when a child reaches school age particularly with parental nudity, showering, and sleeping habits that involve the child.

GizelleWC
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