Step-parent/Adoption/Terminating Fathers Rights

I'm a single mother of a 13 yr old who hasn't seen his birth father in over 7 years. I'm getting married shortly to a man who loves my son and wants to adopt him (the feeling is equally shared by my son). However, we have to get the consent of the birth father for the adoption, and he refuses to consent. Instead he's demading that he start having visitation even though there's been no contact in 7 years and my son thinks of my future husband as his father. I know that it's likely a custody battle in court is looming in the near future, and that it will be confusing and tramautic for my son and likely cause other behavioral issues. I also know that  if forced to suddenly have to see a birth father that he doesn't know it will cause other behavorial issues and a lot of additional stress that he doesn't need. The birth father and I are on VERY BAD terms, and have exact opposite lifestyles, values, and parenting styles. I'm trying to find any studies that have been done in the hope that I can prove to the birth father that it's in my son's best interests for him to consent to the adoption, not drag my son through a custody battle, and let my son finally have a real father.

[margypops]

You may get more input from others , my opinion differs from yours ,  I think if it is the child you are thinking about, that all children do better with both parents in their life, it would be better if you worked it out so his bio Dad had visitation with him, you dont have to see him, he wants to see his son, a step Dad is good but he also needs his real Dad in his life. So put your needs aside and look at the bigger picture . Good Luck

[nettedavid]

Margypops - thank you for your response. Under many circumstances I'd agree with you. However, I don't believe this is a matter of my needs; rather a matter of what's best for my son. For a few more details...we were teens when we had a child, and he was the "bad boy" that I dated to get back at my parents. We never married and never lived together, and in fact broke up before the baby was born. A year later we decided to try again, but I found that I couldn't condone his lifestyle (and all the illegal activities he was involved in). I tried to break it off again and he became physically abusive. After 18 months apart, a protection from abuse order, and his anger management couseling, we tried one more time...because I believed a child should have both parents in their life. After that, my son and I left for good. We've had no contact other than court appearance for child support enforcement hearings since then. When I met my future husband almost 6 yrs ago, I was very careful before letting him become involved in my son's life. In those 6 years, the two of them are as close as a true father and son. My son knows that my future husband loves him and wants to make it official and can't wait until the day. After the wedding, they've decided that no matter the outcome of the adoption, he'll call him "Dad". (Their decision, not mine.) I've kept the darker details of the birth father a secret from my son, but he remembers some of the fights and will bring it up from time to time. He's disgusted with his birth father for what he does remember and wants nothing to do with him. I don't know what's going on in the birth father's life now, other than he has several other kids a few of whom he lives with. He works sporadically and has no qualms about living off the state for as long as possible. (In contrast, my future husband and I are raising my son to have a good work ethic and not to take advantage of others.) My son stays busy with sports and boy scouts and school to stay out of trouble. The birth father thinks partying and alcohol and drugs is "natural" for a teen. We come from different worlds that should never have crossed. I can't let my son pay for the fact that I made a mistake in chosing a bad father for him. I can only rectify that by giving him a good father - even though it took a few years to find one. He's about to go through a tough 7 years of teenage life - and I don't think that it's responsible of me to add onto that stress with confusion and opening old wounds that have finally healed.

[margypops]

Thank you for enlarging on the matter and I understand the problem ,it is a pity that it cant be worked out for your sons sake , however I guess with what you know you have to decide he shouldnt be part of his life ..Good Luck