Teenage son overly affectionate with sexual overtones

I am involved with a single mother with a fourteen year old son. The young man will sleep in the same bed as his mother when I am not there. They will "cuddle together" in bed or on the couch. He will sit on his mother's lap and nuzzle his face into her breasts. They will kiss on the lips and around the face and neck. He will tackle his mother and jump on her on the couch and kiss her on the lips. He is sexually active (masturbation) and takes showers about four times per day. My significant other thinks this is normal and feels she must go along with this behavior, because of lack of affection from her ex-husband. She also will indulge his wishes, (going to movies, buying him whatever he wants, junk food, and not saying "no") She is afraid to kiss me in front of him, because it might upset him. I am moving in full-time in less than one month. She is always quick to remind me that he will always come first. He also has undiagnosed ADHD. Not to be crude, he has the attention span of a gnat. My relationship is civil, but he will avoid eye contact and tell his mother every reason in the book not to marry me. Her ex used her as a punching bag. I am a complete opposite in him ways. His mother mother wants me to tutor him in math since he is three years behind his peers. I am a retired engineer in space sciences (rocket scientist) and now a full time graduate student in a program for getting an MA in Counseling.

However, this physical and emotional attachment equal to an eight year old does trouble me. With me moving in he will be forced to change his behavior, but I do not want to be resented. I am worried they will try to carry on this "affair" behind my back. Not to make it about me (I am), should I proceed with the expectation he will grow out of this phase, or run screaming into the night and chalk it up to experience and move on. I feel sorry for his mother, because he will keep her trapped to him and to all potential mates. I really do love her, in spite of the lack of discipline with the relationship with her son. But when I am away and call her and I get the message, "can I call you back I am putting 'Johnny' to bed." I remember putting myself to bed by age eight and was grossed out by my mother trying to kiss me by age ten. Have times changed that much? Any feedback would be appreciated.

[overopiates]

This is weird to me.Him being THAT affectionate is innappropriate at his age but she not only tolerates it but seems to somewhat encourage it.He is far too old to be put to bed.She shouldnt use him as a substitute for a partner when you're not around cuddling with him n bed etc.It seems she may have done that b4u were n the picture.She is right to say he will always come first but why is she saying it?He sounds spoiled and all this stems from mom trying to over compensate for dad.Still it is.very dysfunctional and u moving n sounds like its gonna get a lot worse n my opinion.Good luck

[RockRose]

I don't think you should move in.  I don't think it sets the standard of modesty and decorum and respectability that teenage children need to see.  

Also,  I don't think you should blame the 14 year old for this odd relationship.  I think you should realize there is something wrong with the mother.   All boys go through periods (when they are about 4) where they see their mothers as partners,  and other men as interlopers,  and the women put a stop to it.  "No,  sweetie,  you won't marry me when you grow up.  You'll find a sweet girl to marry and I can't wait to meet her because I'll like her too."  "Nope,  not on the mouth.  We don't kiss on the mouth".  That sort of thing.

This woman apparently didn't do that.  

I don't think this boy needs further difficulty in his life that comes from living with a man who really can't stand him.  

[overopiates]

Ur right this is a lot more on mom than the child.I have a2&a half year old and I would not only not approve of him acting like that at his age but as rockrose said his mom should have addressed this behavior years ago and reinforced it throughout the years.

[countrymumof2]

This behaviour is quite disturbing and I have a similar situation.

My stepson has been like this with his mother until recently. He lives with us and his mother recently got out of an abusive relationship. She had a friend move in with her for security reasons, and as a result, moved all her sons things into her room (instead of the third, all-be-it, small bedroom). So when he went there for the holidays, they were to share a bedroom and a bed.

We sat him down and explained to him that this was not appropriate behaviour. He agreed that he was getting a little old be sleeping in his mother's bed and she was quite offended when he insisted on sleeping on a sofa bed in the lounge room for the duration of his stay with her.

Unfortuantely, some mothers use their children to compensate for the affection they are not, or have not it the past, got from elsewhere. To be honest, I almost see it as a form of emotional abuse and does not promote healthy relationships with anyone.

I think it's a behaviour you need to discuss with your partner, but make sure you explain to her that you dont want to be resented by her son. So it needs to be addressed by HER, not you, before you move in.

Good luck!

[dlr2007]

I know it's been a few days since this was posted, but I hope that the advice you received here helped to clarify things for you, TK86. I agree with everyone else- what you see is not normal affection- in fact it's quite creepy. This boy has obviously learned to be like this with his mom- she has not put limits on their physical contact OR given him clear rules and boundaries on other things either. I feel badly for this kid, but I can definitely understand why it's difficult for you to stomach his behavior. Let's face it, undisciplined kids of any age are obnoxious- when they become teenagers, it only gets worse. And because you love his mom, it's easy for you to view him as the tyrant and her as the victim here.... but the boy is the real victim. Whether or not Mom means it, she has essentially trapped her son into looking to her for all his needs. It's up to the parent to guide the child and set limits for them, and she hasn't. It seems that she has used him to fulfill some of her longing for affection as well. Now she has someone (you) so she doesn't "need" him anymore, and he sees that. Imagine how lost and hurt he feels- I'm surprised he is civiI to you (not that this is your fault at all!). I really think that moving in is a baaaad idea. I can hear that you care about this woman, but she obviously has some very deeprooted issues. Unfortunately, what you are seeing may just be the tip of the iceberg.
  I have a 17 year old son (and a 13 year old daughter). I do like to go up to my son's room before he goes to sleep- he yells,"Mom, I'm going to bed!" Then, if I'm not terribly busy, I go upstairs and talk to him a bit, and scratch/rub his back or rub his feet. This is "normal" physical interaction with a teen boy and his mom. In fact, it's pretty much our only physical contact- he's not big on hugs anymore and that's fine with me- I respect that as part of his becoming a man.
  I advise you to tell this woman that she needs to get herself and her son some serious counseling. Then I would "run screaming into the night" for sure! You sound like a nice, intelligent, interesting guy- you will find someone who is emotionally stable and can offer you a healthy relationship :) . Good luck- don't get caught up in the "don't leave me" trap- you will be glad to be free of this in the long run.

[Londres70]

There is SOMETHING terribly wrong with the mother and her son.  This is REALLY sickening.  

Have you talked with her about all this?  Anybody who says "My kid always comes first" is giving a "red flag."  I would not walk but turn and RUN.  

I would NOT move in, not based on some "moral standard" for the child as one of the above posters mentioned, but based on this is just NOT a healthy situation FOR YOU to live in.

[lobo29]

Welcome to my world, only difference is I DID move in!   Her 14 year old used to parade around only in his VERY short boxers, very easily seeing his privates bouncing as he walks. She too would parade around in a very short PJ nightie that when she bent over you can see everything. I have finally requested for him to always be dressed when I am home and for her to wear something more appropriate when he is home.  He looks 16 or 17 but has just turned 14.  When I first started coming over a year ago, I quickly noticed the intimate hugs and kisses on the lips, the saw him actually lower his hands to her waist then rear end.. but when he saw me he quickly took his hands off her. One night her and I were just laying in bed watching TV. Both of us under the covers, her son comes in and practicaly dry humps her while he is wearing just his PJ bottoms. Kissing her on the lips and neck saying "I love you mommy".  after a minute of this she finally pushes him off and says "I love you too". and he leaves. I voiced my uncomfortableness with this and it never happened again. Also I voiced my concern with  the hugs and intimate kisses all the time, and she SAID she would talk to him and this  doesnt do that AS MUCH when I am there that is.  Now its just a quick kiss on the lips and hug. BUT I can she he still wants to do more but she pushes him away, BUT I am sure that more goes on when I am not there, as I work a full time job.  I once walked in on them in her bedroom BOTH laying on the bed. He was in his PJ bottoms, I think on top of the covers and she was under the covers sitting up.  The thing is when I walked he quickly jumped out of the bed and first layed on the oppoisite side of the bed on the floor face down. I told him I see you and then he just kneeled on the floor hiding his lower half REFUSING to get up .. now why does a man or boy refuse to stand up right away??? Obviously hiding his hard on. I look at her face and she is extremely red and embarrassed smiling. During this time SHE tells me she needs more ice water and hands me her cup of already filled ice water. I say you dont need anymore you have a full cup. Obviously she was trying to get rid of me. Finally after a few minutes he is able to stand and he leaves the room. NOTHING was said to me from her as Iay there stunned. After that we just went to sleep. It was never brought up again, I know MY FAULT!   She constantly goes into his room at least 3-5 times a night. Sometime before we go to bed and sometimes after we are already in bed. His room is right accross from hers, she will shut his door every time and will shut her door sometimes. Just recently I asked her to leave the doors opne and so far she has and she has cut down the number of times she goes in there. I have started telling him "we are going to sleep now and locking our door, go tell your mom goodnight so she doesnt have to get up later". So far this has worked out.  There is no discipline from her for anything that he does not do!  She started a chores list that he never does, she tells him  to shower and he never does when she wants him to, its always hours later if he does at all, he never helps with amything unless he wants something in return. When he is sitting on the bed and she goes in there to say goodnight he nestles his head into her large breasts after kissing her and says "I love you mommy" with a smile on his face!   There is no talking to her without her defending herself with him, or defending him all the time and then I always get the silent treatment for 2 or 3 days.  She knows I am uncomfortable about their closeness but continues to kiss on lips and wear next to nothing when they say goodnight so he gets a good feel of her body when they hug.  I was not brought up this way and its getting more difficult each week that passes. I love her very much but its killing me inside. I know they are MUCH closer when I am not there, Of course she says he NEVER comes in to her room when I am working but he tells me that he goes in to say goodnight still, and who knows what else.   Her eyes cant lie... they say so much when she looks at me and tells me things. They use to go into the bathroom when each other was showering. She says we only have 1 bathroom so when someone has to shower we dont lock the door. BUT everytime she showers he all of a sudden MUST go pee??  Or I have have caught him going into her room just as she is getting out of the shower so he catches her naked.. when I saw him closing her door I walked in and she was still naked and said.. OH I thought I had the door locked!  Of course when I am in there and he didnt know I was, while she was getting undressed a few times she would slam the door on him and yell to knock first.. but NOT when I wasnt in the room!  All just a show for me.  I do not have a probelm with a mother being close to her son .. but once puberty is reached its time for privacy on both ends. He should respect her and she should respect him and his privacy.. I feel that this will be going on for several years to come.. I am terrified about that. I can't deal with it that long. One day everything will come out of my thoughts and out of my mouth and either she will throw me out or understand what I am feeling and HOPEFULLY let me help her teach him some responsibility, respect and discipline. I feel VERY sorry for this young man.. when he gets older he will have NO sense of responsibility and will never treat ANY woman with respect.. because he is not being raised that way.  ANY comments would be helpful!!  

[TLC8669]

I understand how you must feel and have a situation of my own that I would like some response to.  I have a 18 year old step son who demands his mom give him massages in his room on his bed.  Before we married I have seen her go in his room and climb on top of him on his bed and proceed to massage him.  He came home from college over the last two weeks.  One day after I was done shoveling snow I went in the house and found him lying on his mother and my bed.  He had his mothers robe over his face and his mother was giving him a full body massage.  My wife motioned for me to be quiet, so I left the room to sit in the living room. After an hour I went in the room.  She was lying next to him on the bed and still massaging him.  This creeped me out......What do you think?  I have explained to her how I feel about it, but she said she would not stop.  She also lets her son sleep with her on occassion.

[TLC8669]

I understand how you must feel and have a situation of my own that I would like some response to.  I have a 18 year old step son who demands his mom give him massages in his room on his bed.  Before we married I have seen her go in his room and climb on top of him on his bed and proceed to massage him.  He came home from college over the last two weeks.  One day after I was done shoveling snow I went in the house and found him lying on his mother and my bed.  He had his mothers robe over his face and his mother was giving him a full body massage.  My wife motioned for me to be quiet, so I left the room to sit in the living room. After an hour I went in the room.  She was lying next to him on the bed and still massaging him.  This creeped me out......What do you think?  I have explained to her how I feel about it, but she said she would not stop.  She also lets her son sleep with her on occassion.