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What type of "alone" time should I allow my 16-yr-old son with his girlfriend?
My son is a 16-year-old junior at a private high school. He is a day student, but his girlfriend (17-yrs-old) is a boarding student from abroad (there are a number of international students at his school). My son is a "good" kid (no issues with drugs, etc) and this is his first real girlfriend. (He has not had sex yet). They've been dating for about 2 months.

We live outside a large city, and occasionally, his girlfriend's parents will pay for a hotel room in the city for their daughter to explore the city on weekends. The question is increasingly coming up from him about whether he can join his girlfriend at the hotel, the next time she goes to the city.

I have already told him that sleeping overnight at the hotel with her would be completely inappropriate and I would not allow it. However, if they just spend the day together in the city (walking around, going to restaurants, etc), there would be nothing stopping them from going back to the hotel room together during the day.My plan right now is that I will allow him to go to the city during the day (i don't think I can stop that), but I will ask his girlfriend for her parents' email so that I can consult with them and be sure that they are aware that my son will be with her, and that there is a chance they could be alone at the hotel. I know her parents are aware that they are dating, but I just want to be sure they know these details as well.

This is a tricky situation, because typically your son's girlfriend is local and you know the parents. But I feel I have to take the initiative and establish some sort of correspondence with these parents.

Am I doing the right thing? Is even allowing my son to go to the city with his girlfriend during the day too much freedom? Also, typically, hotels will not allow you to sign in until you're 18. I'm assuming maybe her parents know someone at the hotel who allows her to stay (her dad has major business dealings in the US and even lives here part of the year, so it's possible he knows someone at the hotel).

What should I do? Is this raising red flags for anyone? Any advice you can provide would be appreciated.

Thanks,
NervousMom
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Avatar universal
I don't know your son nor his girlfriend. I'm assuming you are great, your son is great, his gf is great, her family is great.

But to be honest, there is absolutely no way to stop a 17 year old boy from having sex with his girlfriend. Regardless of the room access, or any rule you make, if your son WANTS to have sex with his girlfriend and she wants the same, it will happen.

My parents raised 4 boys, I'm the youngest. For the first two (who were twins) they were banned from having girls in their room regardless of who was home even despite the fact that they shared a room and were almost always entertaining guests simultaneously. They had numerous girl related rules regarding giving them a lack of privacy with them.

My brothers had a ton of sex as teenagers and had a strenuous list of work arounds to get any type of privacy they wanted. Point being no coordinated plan with the other parents, nor anything else will stop your son from having sex if that's what he decides he wants to do.

My parents eventually learned this and by the time I was a teenager they still had some rules but for the most part had shifted a large part of their focus to sexual safety and understanding what the consequences of sex in general were and how much more serious and likely these consequences became if I decided not to practice safe sex.

None of us have any kids besides my middle brother who had been married 4 years prior to having one. None of us ever caught any STD's (despite 3 of us going to a state college), and all of us generally report having good lives as kids with one of the only complaints ever really surfacing being how both me and my middle brother didn't have to deal with how strict our parents were as parents as much as they did and how unfair it was.

Suggestion: start pounding in the sexual safety awareness to the point your kid seems annoyed while also  reinforcing the fact that kids his age shouldn't be concerned with being sexually active and would be disappointed if they lied to you about it. He will realize how serious the matter is and should respect it enough to at least be EXTREMELY careful about it if he does decide to become active.

But in all honesty, I'm sure he probably already is sexually active at this point, if wants to be.
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