a mistake kicking my 17 year old out?

My seventeen year old daughter has been out of control for the past year. She snuck her boyfriend in, she has been smoking pot, NEVER coming home when she is told or when she should, her lies are far and beyond, she is on was on a weekly basis screaming about how she wanted out! Her lies are a very big issue. :You have no idea. Finally I came to the decision that if she wanted out lets show her what life is like. So I told her to get out her car is in my name so I did not allow her to leave with it. I her the doors were open when she could respect our rules and us. She left, her boy friend who had been kicked out three months before her, whom I had been trying to get to reconcile with his parents( he refused and said they were abusive he has had to move from house to house and we have been allowing my daughter to haul him to his next home every night I said he could not stay with us because they wanted him to learn to respect them and what it was like in the real world) he  went home and these people have allowed my daughter to stay as well. So now she is stuck in this........HOUSE.....in fornication........and refuses to come home....I had no idea that they would be allowed to stay there. I know that I could make her come home, but she will be even more of a disruption now. I have 6 other children and there is a type of peace in my home since she is gone but all I do is cry. The screaming is quiet and the were is she is she dead is she in jail; has she had a wreck all the stress is gone she has no way to run the roads there. And believe me I have grounded her most of her teenage life and she cant stay ungrounded more than a week. I have begged her to come home she says she is "in love" Now what? She is in home school I am withdrawing her Tuesday. And giving her the information to enroll herself in public school. I am trying to let go but at the same time she is mine and I don't want her to think why didn't you save me from this life I have chosen. Why did you let me stay in it? How can I save her when she is worse here but in sin there........I just don't know.........

[AnnieBrooke]

Talk to a counselor, I would say.  Ask your pastor for a recommendation.  I would not just take the religious road here, go to a therapist specializing in kids in high school or youth in crisis.  They should help you understand whether you finally telling her you had enough did any of this, or if she was going to end up there anyway.  In the meantime, please stop crying.  In some ways she is safer there than she was when driving wildly around.  And you have a large number of other kids who rely on you.

ps -- You said "at the same time she is mine."  I think she is trying to show you that she wants to be autonomous.  

[RockRose]

Are you married to her father,  Sunshine?  If you were to be brutally honest,  are there dynamics in the home that were very difficult and contributed to her leaving (other than a feeling on her part that she wanted total adult freedom and that's not appropriate for her age)?

I'm not a believer in tough love for minors.  If she were 24,  I'd say it's high time she made it on her own.  

She doesn't even have a high school diploma,  and without one her life will be ZERO.  Since she has been homeschooled,  you don't have all the resources that children who are enrolled in public or private school have - counselors,  favorite teachers,  truant officers,  peer mentors.

I think you yourself should go to the local public high school and ask for help.  Your district may have something like ours does,  the "Success" program for students like your daughter who can work at a self paced calendar,  and graduate early with the minimal requirements while getting credit for things like a part time job.  And give her grocery money in the form of grocery store gift cards.

If you force her to sink or swim at this age,  it's likely she'll sink.  Into prostitution,  petty crime,  further drug use,  associating with criminals,  sometimes living on the streets,  stealing to eat,  further drugs.  Go online and look through missing teenager reports,  mugshots in jails,  and you see children who were too wild so their parents basically gave up and prayed they'd get some common sense and come back home.

It's most likely she won't.  She needs your support even though she's toxic right now.

Best wishes.  I have a son who did basically all this stuff except the being unpleasant and yelling.  He's doing better now,  has crossed a bit of a hurdle.

[h3lpmeplz]

Please get some professional help with this. You have other children, and, obviously grounding her constantly did not work. You need help learning methods to deal with her behavior and your other childrens'. My husband was kicked out at 16, and, his father felt it was the best thing he ever did for him. He was responsible, went to school, got a job etc. He found a good home to live in where he could do that. Now my daughter who is 21 knows she can bring home "strays" we allow kicked out teens and young adults to stay with us, so they can keep their lives on track.We have helped many kids that had parents that didn't know what to do. If she is a minor that is using drugs, you have the legal right and OBLIGATION to put her in rehab. As soon as she turns 18 you will lose this right, and probably your daughter!

[ku111]

I have thought about this many times.  What would I do.  My husband and I take in kids that have nowhere to go.  They can stay for as long as they need.  We know we are good parents and role models.  We are pretty easy going but don't allow drugs or alcohol-that's the rule.  I would rather have my daughter close to us so we can still guide her and him in the right way.  I realize that the relationship is intimate and I don't agree but you can't stop it.  They will nomatter.  Hopefully she is on birthcontrol.  May be rough going for a bit but he may not know what a real family is supposed to be like.  I would explain to all the kids up front that you do not approve of this but you want her home.  She also may find out this is not all it's cracked up to be over there.  The more you fight about him the closer they become (she'll do it to prove you wrong).  Stand back, give her the options you choose, smile (as you are grinding your teeth LOL!) and say if this is really what you want...ok.  She knows what's right and wrong.  But at that age what they think is love is hard to break.  If she is safe you can let her remain there and try and work on your relationship.  My guess is when you say ok this won't last very long.  Or you could force her to come home at her age but my guess is she'll fight all the way.  The reason I say this is because my parents did the same thing.  I remember it well.  I have now been married for 20 years to a wonderful guy, am a RN and we have great kids.  Once my parents said "ok" the fight wasn't so fun anymore and I really did think about what they said.  They were right he was not good for me.  That relationship didn't last long and my parents and I learned to communicate.  They were my rock.  Was one of my biggest mistakes but I made it while I was young (thank gosh) and learned from it.  Goodluck!

[jules675]

Annie, you should not discount the "religious road".  The Religious road is what gives us peace when only this season of life seems to be lacking it.  

[HelpMeWithMyTeenager]

I can see that you are in emotional turmoil.  This is a very hard thing to deal with.

My son is 16 and was expelled from school for smoking pot.  It is not a habit; it was just that he had "given up" after being depressed for so long.

I was livid.  

However, I decided to help him rather than beat him down.  I know the circumstances may be different for your daughter, but first try help her.  Bring her back.  Explain that you made a mistake by kicking her out, but you didnt know what else to do.  Gently and calmly tell her you love her and you are going to help her, even though it may not seem like help to her at the moment.  Then explain nicely that she is grounded until further notice - until you see a change in her behaviour.  Take away her cell phone, her social media gadgets and dont allow her to have friends over, except those from church.  Allow her to go to church events, and to socialise with church friends, but no one else - this is as a consequence to her behaviour.  Explain your reasoning.

Then help her spiritually (gently as she may not currently share your beliefs) - provide books (interesting ones) that will help shape her well.  

I removed my son from public school, and from school for a year while I put a schedule together for him to follow that would help build him up and heal him.  It includes the physical, spiritual and emotional.  In a few months, he has grown tremendously, and feels happy for the first time in about 2 years.

The key here though, is communication.  Your daughter has to see that her behaviour will not get her far, and that you are serious, and that you love her and want to help her be the best she can be.

And pray for her!  That's the most important thing.