good boy gone bad

i have a 16 year old son . he has always been a pretty good boy, but this year he went into high school , and he has started talking back ,not only t us , but to his teachers too. he refuses to do what he is told like home work , baths , or anything realy. he has pushed me and tried to leave home twice in the last two weeks . he  was sent to the princepals office last week for standing up in his teachers face telling her no he would not do the work .thats the first time in his life he has did that . when we try to corect him he threatens to leaved , kill himself , and yells that noone loves him . he won't drop it he just keeps on and on . he just losses it at the drop of a pin , over nothing . he got mad at his dad at dinner tonight and jumped up and said i won't go to school tomarrow ' his dad told him yes he was , so he went and got his coat , walked out the door, my husband went and got him , made him come back , take the tv , x-box ,mp3 player , and stereo out of his room. he is still yelling at me that it isn't fair. what can we do , nothing seems to help . please help .              
                                 gail575757




    

[Traci0928]

Have you tested him for drugs?? I'm not saying he's using but if his personality has changed that much then maybe he needs to be tested. Go to any drugstore or Walmart and buy the home testing kits. Test him even if your husband has to stand in the bathroom and watch him pee! Then tell him you'll be doing random drug testing in the future. Search his room, backback, etc. Deny him driving priviledges if he has a license, talk to the school counselor.

When he threatens to leave does he tell you where he's going? Do you know his friends? Is he hanging out with new kids you dont know? Dont be intimidated by him and dont let him THINK you are either - that's power and control for him. If this is his first year in high school then he's getting a taste of being around older kids, different surroundings, etc. How are his grades?  If he refuses to do his homework, shower regularly, etc maybe he's depressed? Threatening to kill himself and that nobody loves him sounds like depression or looking for attention for some reason. Is there depression in your family? If that isnt it he could just be scared to death to be in a new environment and he's acting out. I dont mean to pry but why is he just starting high school at 16? Is he a freshman? Maybe he feels like the odd man out at school and kids are making fun of him?

Can you talk to him at all? My son is 15 and he's a sophomore this year and is really feeling his oats a lot. Becoming a typical teenager with testerone running at full tilt. He also has a tendancy to run his mouth, can be belligerent and rebellious, likes to play hit and push me around like he's wrestling and tries to boss me around and "tell" me what to do for him, all in all try and act like he's Mr Bad. I call him on the carpet every time, sometimes it doesnt have the oompf that I want it to have but its important for him to hear and know that its not acceptable behavior. He loves to tell me in a joking manner that he knows I'm "scared" of him...and I tell him point blank that I am NEVER scared of him and I never will be.

I've also told my son that I will randomly drug test him if I EVER think he's doing drugs and that while he may have some privacy, until he's an adult out on his own, in my house there is no complete privacy for him. While I have boundaries and limits, I try to keep flexible for two reasons. 1 - it keeps him on his toes. 2- I dont think everything requires a strict hand. Have you taken your son to the doctor's for a check-up? Its important that you and your husband continue to show a united front. Try to keep the lines of communication open, and maybe you can ask 'general" questions when he's calm and seems receptive.

[gail575757]

i have taken him to the dr. they say that he is fine. i called his school concelor , she called him in to talk to him .she said she doesn't think he is on drugs , but  is trying to run the show . the best anyone can tell he still has the same friends he has always had . he told his concelor that he had anger management problems . she told him  not to be useing that as an excuse , that everyone has problems , and he better stop threatening to kill himself that there is a place to send him . i think she put just enough feer in him that he was on a little better  yesterday and today . i think he needed to hear that from someone besides his mom and dad . the school teaches kids from the start that parents can't spank them thats child abuse so  they get in their heads they can do what ever they want and  no one can do anything about it because they can yell abuse. no , he doesn't tell anyone where he is going , he just walks out the door and down the road , we end up haveing to go looking for him . i don't think he even knows where he is going at the time . he ended up at walmarts once and just walking the streets the last time. his concelor is going to call him back in tues. when he goes back to school. i just hope that  this helps .

[Traci0928]

That is good that the school counselor is talking to him and that he's at least partially open with her and that she calls his bluff. I know what you mean about schools running around telling kids that parents cant hit them because its abuse...when my daughter was in high school there was a few times she would run her lip about that and I called her bluff everytime. Now my son likes to say that to me when he's feeling his oats. I told him " call the cops, and when I tell them why you got smacked they'll laugh at you and get on your case too "....

[gail575757]

the stories i could tell you about my first two and all those tricks worked the first two times . this one has seen it all before and thinks he knows it all , so i think he needsto hear form someone besides his parents that there is things that can be done , and its not child abuse . i told him that i could press carges against him for  parent abuse too , so go ahead and yell abuse , that he is the one dishing out the abuse . as i said i just hope this works , and we don't have to take more drastic mesures , like putting him in a place for out of control kids . that would be a last resort , but it would be better than letting him kill himself or someone else .    gail575757

[babygirl6152]

my son went through most of the same stuff- it was psychological abuse to his parents as you said- but since they are still at home what do you do?

Stephen had drugs in his room, in his backpack and in his bloodstream- always got scared when he had to go to dr even for check ups- he still played sports, had a part time job. But in between hi good days, he was a hellion to me, my husband, and his girlfriend- Our youngest son was 3, and I knew he loved his little brother but would even be ugly to him. I think he started drugs as a "fun" way to escape his jealousy issues. There is a way to test using hair I think- there are home tests- do a search......
Most kiddos that drink and drug want to escape something- Get to the bottom of that- he is actually screaming out for help with his tacky behavior.
I considered a tough love camp but decided to try it at home first. It finally all worked out

write me a note if you'd like

Good luck

[Kage_no_Taren]

16 is a little late, but that's not surprising since he just started high school.  I feel that he is probably trying to "differentiate", and establish his separate and independent person hood by any means necessary.  Most of the time they do not do it with this degree of intensity, but then again, most teenagers start well before age 16, so he may feel that he has to make up for lost ground.  Look for areas where you lose nothing by giving him control, in which you typically make decisions for him, and let him make those calls for himself.  Taking away freedom or privileges at his age will accomplish very little other than upsetting him, so don't bother.  The reason those things work with younger kids is because of operant conditioning, and it usually stops being effective around puberty.  
At this age, he will learn best by being allowed to make his own mistakes and suffer the real world consequences, rather than "artificial" ones imposed by his parents.  Try not to take any more control than is necessary to prevent -really- bad things from happening (if he is putting himself or someone else in danger of death,serious injury, or jail time).  Be careful of acting out of fear rather than good sense, as that is by far the most common parenting mistake.