teen daughter abused?

My 16 yr. old daughter has been seeing a therapist, now a psychiatrist, and went to a behavioral health center this summer for a week and a half. She told them that she had attempted suicide by overdosing on Tylenol, was a cutter, bulimic, and was physically and verbally abused when she was little by her father (my husband). Now, I don't know if all this is true or not, I really never saw any signs of anything, other than her being in bed too much, and I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. I just found out about the father abuse a few days ago, her psychiatrist told me, and I'm beyond upset about it. The doctor told me not to do anything about it, that it was in the past and they get along very well now, but I am so upset I can't talk to or even look at my husband. I have just been trying to avoid him. What do I do? I want to just leave and get a divorce, but I know my daughter didn't tell me about this because she didn't want things to get "all messed up" at home. What would you do?

[Gina04]

My father abused one of my cousins when she was little.  I was abused sexually but not by my father.  When I found out about what happened with my cousin, I had a hard time being around my dad for awhile.  While I love him, I still to this day will not let him be around my kids (even though they are both boys) without supervision by my husband or myself.  I understand not wanting to even look at your husband right now.  I think if I were in this situation, I would talk to my daughter first and try to get her side of what happened between her and her father.  Depending on how that went, I would probably approach my husband and get his side of the story.  I think that even if your husband did this, it is important for you to forgive him.  If you don't, it will almost certainly eat at you and eat at you causing you to become an angry, bitter person.  Don't misunderstand me here, I am not saying that what he supposedly did was okay.  Nor am I saying that you need to just trust him and allow other children, grandchildren, etc. to be around him unsupervised.  All I am saying is that you need to realize that what he did was wrong and forgive him so you don't destroy your life.  I pray that you find the truth in all of this and that God will give you wisdom in knowing best how to handle the situation.

[Gina04]

And yes, I realize that in this case it was physical and verbal abuse but it was still abuse (if indeed it took place).

[AnnieBrooke]

I think I would ask her psychiatrist what the ramifications would be if you did leave your husband, in terms of your daughter's mental health.  She might feel better, since it would be a clear statement that you would have protected her if you had known, and you think what happened is very wrong.  She might feel worse, like she broke up the family.  I'd take that into consideration.  Your primary issue (given that this is true) is to show her that you do not think what happened to her is OK in any way.  She should not be in charge of holding the family together at the expense of her mental health over something (abuse) that was not her fault.

Incidentally, I would also ask the psychiatrist if he or she finds what your daughter says credible.  I would let that carry a lot of weight in my mind.  Your husband is likely to say either that it didn't happen, or that your daughter instigated it (which unfortunately is often what abusers say even when the girl in question was very young).

[RockRose]

sunny,  it's unusual that your daughter was verbally and physically abused and you never saw any signs of it.  Sexual abuse happens in secret,  physical and especially verbal abuse usually happen in a way that a stay at home mother would see it.    Are you also saying you haven't seen that she's bulimic,  and is a cutter,  and had attempted suicide?

I agree with Annie about asking the psychiatrist if what your daughter is saying sounds credible.  To have such a wide range of abuse/acting out that you never saw any sign of,  and are a SAHM,  seems puzzling.