who's behaviour is worse - son or partner

[melshome]

my partner never managed to accept my son - left over guilty conscience on walking out on his own 4. We have been together almost 10 years, and our relationship has been rocky at times - 7 children - none together, shared care issues, blended families, ex but ins ect...The conflict between my son and his stepfather became so bad I moved out a year ago - It was a good move as we had been living at his place - and he wouldn't accept any parenting decision I made regarding my own children, but I wasn't allowed to even have an opinion on his. The double standard's were so obvious, but he refused to discuss it - His temper was disgusting -my son bore the brunt of his stress level's cause from his own son's problems - and all but one has big one's ,ranging from  not working for the last 8 year's , one not being able to hold a job because of drug issues and the youngest being anorexic( all problems are caused by the mums according to him)I became piggy in the middle and it became to toxic - so for the sake of us all, I got my own place. My children became grounded and secure. Our relationship has improved markedly and my partner has mostly accepted the damage done in the past has taken away his right to disipline my son, and things are usually ok - as long as he buts out and lets me be the parent.
my kids just spent the weekend with their father - a 6mthly occurance - and son is now grumpy and moody. I have learn't to just bypass these mood's as he always has attitude after a visit with his dad, and he get's over it quickly.However this morning while dropping kid's to school, him and older sister were niggling at each other - kid **** - but partner was also in the car, and is intolerant to this kind of behavior and instead of diverting the behavior has to comment, aggravating kids further. By the time we got to school -  2km - son got out of car and said to partner he should get his own car - he hasn't had one for over a year and rely on me for transport. Partner snapped back son should walk. son called him a wanker and slammed door and went to class(great start to the day). Partner then yelled out son should go live with his father. I replied that I didn't want him talking to my son like that, and to get a grip. Then he started on at me allowing son to speak to him like that, and I told him I would deal with him at an appropriate time - which wasn't then. Anyway, dropped him of to his jobsearch session with him in a filthy mood.
Partner has been suffering depression and hasn't worked for a year, and relies financially on me alot. I pay all the bill's and rent, and my kid's know this.
How do I explain to son it's not ok to speak to partner like that, when partner speaks to him like that.

[heatherlynn22]

perhaps your partner needs to look at his actions. sometimes the adult has to be the bigger person. your son is a kid. kids....are kids. granted it's not appropriate for him to speak like that but step into your sons shoes for a minute. this guy...who rides your a$$ is speaking to you like you're insignificant. puts you down. is mean and nasty to you. would you just sit back and take it? now your partner, who is pretty much mad at himself for his kids.....is being a total jerk to yours. when you moved out kids were happy and all was well. you have them all in the car and it's chaos. i don't think the problem is your son.

as for him speaking that way to an "adult" (and i'll use that term loosely regarding your partner as it seems he acts more like a child than your children do) just explain to him it's not appropriate. you're not going to be able to stop him from defending himself and speaking his mind.

[melshome]

Thank's - I thought so too...so the delema about respect for adults. Hard to impliment when you agree with the child.

[heatherlynn22]

is he like that with other adults? if not...than the problem is definitely the partner not the son.

[StepDad]

I would have to agree with heather. If your son is respectful to other adults. then its your partners fault and your son is merely sticking up for himself.
I have a stepson who is 13 and me and him butts head's here and their. my stepson usually is mouthy to me after he comes back from his dad's and mouth off to me wishing i was his father he was yelling at. but, i always remind him that i love him and i am not ur dad. So man up and yell at him.
his dad always makes him feel worthless. If he get a 95 on a test he get **** for not getting the other 5 points. Last night the boy pitch the best game all season 18 strike outs and walked 2 and 1 batter. He holds the best pitching in the whole league and he cried after the game because he did not get a no hitter and his dad would not praise him for pitching the record for the whole season. I wanted to rip the guys head off for that.
yikes off topic sorry
good luck with your son