4 yr old Monster!

I am a single mother and my daughter just turned 4 in March. She is an absolute monster. I am tired of crying because I am so stressed out. She is so angry its unreal. I have never seen a kid as bad as she is. I am constantly called on by the director of her daycare because she is always pulled out of class due to her teacher not being able to control her. She is a very smart girl but its like she loves pushing peoples buttons, she gets a kick out of it. I don't spank her very much but I discipline her with not getting snacks/desserts, she gets ALL of her toys taken away for a period of time and lengthy time outs..I am fixing to take them away again and not give them back at all. I have talked to her Dr about her behavior and she said shes a normal 4 year old, and that I am too lenient. I am not lenient, just because I dont want to spank her in public does not mean I am lenient. If I tell her to quit something she will look me dead in the eye, smile, and keep doing it and say "haha" to me. She yells at me, throws things at me, intentionally pours drinks on my carpet, turns her toybox over and refuses to pick anything up. No one will ever baby sit her, my parents can't even stand her! Sometimes I wish there was a toddler boot camp, I would send her there in a heartbeat. She tells me she hates me, isn't my friend, wishes she had a different mommy, wishes she lived with someone else. She's only 4! She should not be saying these things. I can't take it anymore, my mom just tells me its all my fault..I have no one to turn to for help and I don't know what to do about her anymore, sometimes I just want to get away from her and cry my eyes out.

[Natta1980]

Sounds like she is frustrated with something


Please look into the root cause - as to why she behaves this way?


She is trying to tell you something

[Karrie3530]

Does she see that she is upsetting you?  If she sees it upset you that may be why she continues.  I have a 4 year old son who is similar but not so bad he has an older brother and sister so when they get a treat and he doesn't it sinks in a little better.  I can feel your frustration in what you typed and I wish I had some awesome words of wisdom to give you but I don't.  I do agree with the first comment.  She sounds very angry but like you said she is very smart.  She put things together quickly so there is no bluffing her.  Seek out a local child councilor before you break completely.  Best wishes and remember she is still a baby in many ways.  

One last thought is how good is the day care she attends?

[imanaddict]

I really hate to say this, but have you tried spanking? I know you don't want to spank in public, and I 100% agree with that, but it sounds like she needs a good ol' fashion butt bustin'. It may work, it may not, but if this is something you haven't tried, it may be time to try it. She has got to learn that her behavior is unacceptable-YOU are the adult and she is supposed to respect you as an adult, and as her mother. It doesn't sound like she does. She knows you won't do anything drastic and she knows what she can and can't get away with. Since there is no boot camp for toddlers, make you own! Enforce your rules and discipline bad behavior, but also reward her good behavior.

You don't have to answer this is if you don't want to, but is her father involved in her life?

[kimvaux]

May I start by saying that you don't seem to have much support from anyone. It isn't right for anyone to say that it's your fault, they should be trying to help you and be there for you so that you have someone to listen to you when you feel like this. My daughter is also 4 and not so long ago she was flooding the bathroom 3 or 4 times a day, picking the cat up by his throat and setting fires in the kitchen. I agree with you that smacking your child is not the answer. You can't use this as a form of discipline, and then tell them it's wrong to hit. I found that the naughty spot was a fantastic way of getting her to listen to me as she hates to sit still for more then a second. All children are different and what worked for me may not work for your little girl. But you do need people who will support you and be there when you need someone.

[TyzMom]

To answer all questions:

No, her father is not in her life. He left when I was pregnant with her. Its only me.

I used to spank her but one time I left a red mark on her back because she threw herself down when I went to smack her butt and I felt horrible so I stopped spanking.

Time-Out does not work, I go round and round with her for hours to be still and she never does. I took her to the Dr last week and he said I need to take her to a Phsycologist or Phsychiatrist but the age requirement is 5 yrs old so she is too  young.

[indigo39]

Wow, it sounds like you have your hands full! I went through this very similar situation with my son last year. I truly don't believe they are 'bad' kids, just way too smart for their own good (and ours, lol!)

A couple of things that worked for me:

1. This book: Setting Limits for the Strong-Willed Child
http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364
It made me realize I wasn't alone, and not a terrible mother

2. I had to start with an extreme step with my son to get his attention. I went home one day during lunch and cleaned out ALL of his toys, only leaving a few little McDonald's type trinkets and a couple of books. He freaked out but got used to it, and he earned back his toys over about 2 months.

3. Learned that if you say 'No' to something, anything, you CANNOT give in, no matter what. And this means no deal-making. If you try to make deals like, "Well, okay, you can have that, but only if you pick up your toys," then they totally see that as them winning and being in charge.

4. Most of all, you have to learn to control yourself and how you react. Don't 'go round and round for hours', that's only giving her the attention she wants. If she won't stay in time-out, then try something else, like taking away toys or play time outside. With my son it was not getting books read to him at bedtime. Don't argue. Don't debate. Tell her in a calm, even voice what she did wrong, why it's wrong, what punishment there is to be, and stick to it. If she whines or screams, just ignore it. This was very hard for me, as I'm pretty emotional, so I would tell myself "Made of stone, made of stone" to keep calm, lol.

5. Praise the good things she does, small as they are. And listen. I realized I was tuning my son out sometimes because he talks SO much, so he would act up to get my attention. Take 5 seconds to hear what she's asking or saying, or you'll pay for it later.

6. As for school, you HAVE to deal with that at home too, or you'll end up with no school to take her to! Try telling her every day when you drop her off that you KNOW she'll SO GOOD today. Don't act like you expect her to be a monster or she will. See if her teacher can keep a reward chart for good behavior so that she gets attention for the good, not just the bad. My son wasn't able to play outside at home or watch movies for almost 2 weeks, until he acted right at school.

Sorry this is so long...I'm a single mom, too and have had a lot of trial and error. Hope some of this helps, just passing it on from other single moms I know! Just realize that she's young now. Being tough is not going to traumatize her for life. But not being tough could mean she's out of control by the time she's a teenager.