I'm 35 and have one child, she is now 14 months old. I'm having a problem "bonding" with her. I felt that we had bonded in her first few months, but lately she seems so close to Dad and not close to myself at all. I do have to work, and HATE it that she goes to daycare. I feel that the two women there are her "other mothers" and I admit I am jealous in that department. Right now my husband and I are doing everything we can to pay off bills, change our life around so that I can eventually (hopefully soon) quit my job and stay home with my daughter.
My own mother was very very cold with me (still is), and I'm trying not to be that way with my daughter. I've tried acting stupid, silly, making faces, playing with her constantly, coming up with new activities, but she just turns from me and goes to her Dad. I don't know how to change this, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm so upset because I don't want to have the relationship with her that I had with my Mom now, which is just civil, no love, no nothing. My husband says I'm being over-sensitive and that he doesn't see this problem at all.
I can't make her like me. I know she loves me, but I don't know what the problem is. Is it normal for little girls to be closer to their fathers? Does anybody have any suggestions on ways to engage her more and keep her attention, more ways to bond again with her? Please help.
its normal for girls to bound with their fatthers more than their mothers. even when my dad left and my parents got back together i still went to my dad first. your child feels the stress that you are going threw and can since that something just doesnt feel rite to you. it takes lots of patience and love. she knows you love her and tthat you want the best for her. take her on a mommy daughter day to teh park. who picks her up from daycare. if you dont try to once in awhile and then go do something together if you can. i was a single mother living at home wiht my parents working a full time job to raise my son the first year of his life. it was hard to have my parents tell me how much i was missing out on adn how they have to raise my son since they watched him at nites for me. i ws mad hurt and jeolous all at once. then i found the love of my life how adobted my son right away and never thought twice about it. he got a good job so that i could work part time adn raise our son. then he went into the serivice adn now i stay home and babysit other kids for an income so that i can still be home with our son exspecially now that he needs me since daddy is along ways away in iraq. it ttakes time but you will find that one special thing that only you and her will have togher and nothing will ever take that away goood luck adn god bless you
Thank you for responding. It makes sense what you said about her feeling that I'm in stress and agonizing over this. I'm just sobbing right now. I do not cry in front of her, I have been waiting till I get in the car, at work (which is not good), alone in the bathroom, etc.
I am the one that drops her off and picks her up at daycare. It makes me feel so good when she runs to me and is smiling and laughing, but it lasts only a short time. I am going to take her for a walk when I get home from work, just the two of us. I don't tell my husband that I want to do things with just my daughter for fear his feelings will get hurt, but you are right and her and I need to have some things that we just do together. It's that he is trying so hard to be a part of her life and help me with her that I think it's too much, like taking over. I envy you so much that you can stay home with your child. Thank you for saying that she knows I love her and I want to the best for her, because I truly do.
God bless and a thank you to your husband who is serving our country.
Children vacillate from being closer to Mom and then being closer to Dad and then being closer to Mom and then being closer to Dad and then you throw in their peers and the love of their life and some rock star .... just part of growing up. Children also "know" if they are loved - a smile, a kind word and yes, setting limits all say "love" to a child. One more thing - it's easier to relate to child if he/she is similar to the temperament of the spouse (people with the same temperaments often clash), but that does not mean they do not love, Relax, and enjoy your little girl.
Thank you for your advice. This being my first, I did not know that children go back and forth being close with Mom and Dad, or others thrown in there also. I wasn't close to anyone when I was little, as I said my parents were very cold, so I don't remember how I was to compare it to my daughter. I know I can't compare her with anybody, I was just looking back trying to remember who I gravitated most towards.
The temperment thing makes sense to me (I think) I keep re-reading it and thinking. My husband is like a child himself, and I seem to be the "adult", if that makes sense. It is wonderful because he is so great with her, but I want that relationship with her also. I love her so much, I never knew this type of love. I guess it hurts sometimes because I don't feel loved back, yet I am the adult here and should understand all this. I'm trying. I also wonder if I'm trying TOO hard and freaking her out a little.
I will take your advice and relax! I relaxed more last night and it seemed to help a little. She didn't want me to leave her at daycare this morning (heartbreaking), but it made me feel good in a way, and horrible at the same time!
Thanks again jdtm, have a great day!
You have to find things that you both can do together, that her and dad don't do. I agree that they go through phases with mom/dad. MY son did. As far as the husband thing, it makes PERFECT sense, seeing as how they never grow up! ;) Good luck and just have fun with your little girl. I'm anxious myself to see my little girls personality. She's due in 8 more weeks. Part of me hopes that she fits right into our wild and crazy bunch, but hope shes more laid back like me. :o)
Thanks for the advice! I'm trying to relax and last night was a GREAT night! We played for hours, just her and I. My husband finally said, why don't you put her to bed? And I said heck no, I'm not stopping this fun! But eventually we did and she was tuckered out!
CONGRATULATIONS on your baby! I know what you mean about personality, it's been so much fun seeing Ally's (short of Alessandra) personality develop day by day. And whew, is she independent! Sassy little girl!
Good luck to you with your impending birth!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks everyone, the advice I've received has really made such a big difference!
just take it one day at a time. your welcome have a good time with her when you do go out together. she loves you both the same. i know that my son loves it when its his birthday we have a party on the weekend but the day of his bday we take him out and we get him a build a bear go to dinner adn tehn on his party we give him a suprise gift that he didnt know we bought him. but the last birthday i had to do it by myself adn we still had fun. just do trial and error and you will find out what makes her happy is being with you and your husband. plus dont keep him out of the loop let him know what your feeling that is what keeps a marriage together is open communication. and thanks again i will let my husband now. good luck to you and your family your in my prayers.
Hi I'm kinda in the same situation as you(ur childhood situation).my mum never shows me love and affection,she has affairs and I always have to be the one finding out,from the other 3 siblings.it really does break my heart knowing that she does the wrong and I get blamed when she gets caught.I'm close to my dad,he is a wonderful person he does everything at home.but my mom feels inferior and throws a fit because dad and I get along and then she comes out with the story that I'm causing them 2 split meanwhile its her affairs.I honestly don't know what to do and how 2 deal with this anymore I even went to extents such as trying to kill myself.she shows so much of love and affection to the others while I on the other hand,is left out.every daughter needs a mothers love as we'll irrespective of how close they are to their fathers.please help
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