Determining normalcy of my 4 year old sons behavior, etc

[AvaTara_539]

I have a very creative, intelligent and wonderful 4 year old son. He does behavior that it sometimes frustrating, mainly yelling or singing very loudly (no matter where we are at), hijacking me and my fiancees belongings into his room (DVD's and soforth), etcetera. On rare occasion he will play with water in the sink in the bathroom and make a mess on the floor which I make him clean up in addition to time out. A few months ago he put a leggo in the toilet and we ended up getting a 500 dollar plumbing bill for. My fiancee was furious. We have different ideas on discipline: he wanted to spank him and I do not agree with that, I chose alternate forms of discipline (but obviously did not let the behavior go unpunished). But ever since then he has this idea that my son has particularly "bad" behavior for his age group and needs much stricter discipline than the kind I already use. I will admit time out and taking away of privileges doesn't seem to do anything to effect his behavior, but I also don't know if these things I consider normal 4 year old behavior, if this is an opinion shared by most. Oh also on a few occasions (since he was 2, so spanning 2 and a half years) he's stolen my nailpolish and painted his furniture with it. But the real kicker was two weeks ago, he got mad presumably about having to go to bed (he has a set bed time every night of 7:30), and spread poop all over the carpet, I mean everywhere. And he's fully potty trained.

I guess I am looking for advice on whether his behavior is normal (I think it is, my fiancee doesn't) and what else I can do for effective discipline because the time out and revoking of privileges thing doesn't really help. Thank you.

[specialmom]

There is such a wide range of normal for 4 year olds and many can be very difficult for sure.

Let me ask you something . . . do you think a four year old would know that a lego down the toilet would result in a huge plumbing bill?  Of course not.  Your fiance is out of line and I would not be too keen on making this person a permenant fixture in your child's life.  This is only the begining.  He already has a bad taste in his mouth about your son, your son will sense it, your husband will enforce "his" brand of discipline, then your son will act out, etc. etc. etc.  The tension will rise like you won't believe and he is still a preschooler.  Kids do dumb things.  ALL kids do dumb things.  My son threw my cell phone in the toilet.  He didn't flush it as I was right behind him, but he thought he was being funny.  He was 3 at the time.  Should I have lost my mind and decided right then and there he was the devil?  I think not.  He was playing and had no idea what he was really doing.  Kids don't see dollar signs or big pictures.  They are little and learning.

I'm not trying to be tough on you or critical but you have to keep things into perspective.  Where are you when he starts singing---- is he bored out of his gourd?  Is he ready to go and has learned that if he does this, you get the idea?  Is he being ignored and he has learned that negative attention is better than no attention?  All of these are real possiblities and it wouldn't make you a bad parent or anything.  They are the reality of raising a child.  We have lives that we try to incorporate them into and then unfortunately they sometimes can't handle it and act out.  We get mad but sometimes we expect too much.  

With that being said, the poop thing IS gross.  I would make a big deal out of that talking about how that can make everyone really sick.  It sounds like he gets in trouble a lot though-----  so it is hard in that scenario to make one thing more important than another.  

Discipline, it is always hard for every family.  I am a big believer in finding lots that a kid does right.  Kids love praise!  They start to work for it often.  There is a book recommended by the expert here called "SOS for Parents" by Lynn Clark.  I have gotten it and it lays out a program for timeouts that seems to work.  You just have to follow the program.  I'd say to stay calm always.  I would not spank (or for heaven's sake, allow the fiance to do it!) as that teaches "don't hit, so I'll hit you".  That is just my opinion on that, but I'd rather parent by getting their respect than fear.  Another thing you can try is if there is something that your son likes very much, he can earn it.  My kids get coins for good deeds and behaviors.  They put them in a piggy bank and when the bank is full, they get to buy something.  They LOVE this and work really hard to get their coins.  They are 4 and 5.  You could try beans in a jar.  As the do good deeds or have appropriate behavior, they get a bean in the jar.  When they get to 25, they get to do something they like as a treat.  These are posative ways to change behavior.  

Lastly, in questioning if he is at normal level for behavior-----  he sounds like it to me.  If he weren't, you would need to remind your fiance that if he is not normal----  he needs just that much more empathy in this world.  Seriously, your man sounds rough.  I'd question that.  Good luck, you sound like a caring and kind mother.  Keep it that way!