So currently I am carrying twins. The father of my babies knows I am pregnant, but we weren't together when it happened. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me or his kids, he wishes to be left alone. The most I can get form him contact wise currently is through e-mails, and they aren't very friendly. They are just him telling me how much he hates me for all this, I am trying to ruin his life, blahdy blah blah. So, I have pretty much decided, if he wants nothing to do with us, so be it. I am not going to waste my time any longer trying to get him to come around. If he does come around in the next 7 months or so, then okay, but I'm not pressing it.
I have met his mom once. He doesn't live with her, though. That's why I never really met her that much. I met his sister quite a few times, and I'm friends with her on facebook if that even means anything. His aunt I know very well actually, as I was pretty close friends with his cousin until he passed, so I actually know a good amount of his extended family. I have never met his brother, but I do know how to get in contact with him, as well as his dad if I needed to.
He previously had a baby by another girl he had been dating at the time, he has absolutely no problem taking care of that baby. He is no longer involved with the mother of that child, but he is still invovled in the baby's life, and the mother of that baby form what I know is very much involved in his family's lives.
My thing is, I would wait until the babies are born to do this if I do it, but should I tell his family about the babies? Should I let them know they have two new grandchildren, nieces/nephews, etc? Or should I just not even bother.. my main concern is his mom. I want her to know she has two more grandchildren, but since she barely even knows me, and for all I know, may not even remember me if i confronted her, would she even care? And even if I could prove they were her grandchildren, would she want to be involved, if her son is not? I jsut don't want it to turn out that she goes off to him and flips out on him or makes the situation with him and I worse than it is now. I want nothing from the father, no money or anything. I just want his support, and for him to meet and know his kids. But I don't want it to be forced, I want it to be his own decision. I know I definitely will tell his aunt that they are his kids, because I know she would understand the situation, but everyone else... I don't know what to do....
I forgot to mention, the only way I can contact his mom is by facebook. I know where she lives, but I don't have the guts to show up to her house, seeing as I barely know her. Also, because the mother of his other baby, as of now she lives there too. Although he is no longer with her, who knows how she would feel about another girl coming to her house and saying she has kids by the same guy as her.. I feel like that could get really messy if I were to jsut show up and she were there. I have never met her before, and that would definitely not be a good way to meet her. Her son, (my babies' father's other child) I have been around quite a few times. He is just a baby himself.. he will be two soon.. I haven't been around him that much though, that I think he would recognize me or anything.. but I think it is important for him to have the chance to know his other brothers or sisters too... I just don't know how to go about this without making the father really mad.
It sounds like you are hoping for something despite hie clear statement that he wants this all to disappear. In other words, you want him to change his mind despite the fact that he is not pleased, and along with wanting him to change his mind, you "want it to be his own decision." And that you're sort of thinking you wouldn't be unhappy if the family lined up to influence his decision to behave in a fatherly way to your unborn kids. There's even the suggestion in what you write that you want some kind of relationship with the guy, even if just civil or better than it is now.
But it sounds like he will never come to an understanding with you about behaving like a father. Whether you tell his whole family or none, it isn't going to make him happier about the situation, and he is not going to suddenly see the light and get involved with the babies. He doesn't want these kids and if you press him, he is just going to feel angrier and angrier, and more and more shoved into a corner by you.
That all said, if your motives are entirely pure, you don't want financial help, and all you want is to let the mom know she is going to be a grandma again, just write her a letter. Since you know where she lives, get the address from the front of the house, and mail a letter, explaining that you are pregnant by her son and thought she might want to have a grandmother relationship with the kids once they are born. It's not like your only choices are Facebook or showing up in person. A letter gives her the privacy of her thoughts without you on the doorstep or something posted online. Do you really not want any money from the father? If so, tell her that explicitly, so she won't think this is the beginning of some kind of shakedown. This is really not going to be the greatest news for her, moms don't like to hear that their careless son is out there getting women pregnant. So it might not be that anyone in his family (not just him) will initially be thrilled to hear the news. They will be irritated at him for being so irresponsible as to get someone pregnant, and will feel the pull of future family duty to the kids, and will feel it is through no fault of their own, and the whole thing will make them a bit cross, at least for a while.
Please get really clear in your head what it is you are trying to have happen between you and the young man. By keeping the babies, you are forcing this guy into becoming a (biological) father, though he has clearly told you he doesn't want to be (again). Believe him when he says he doesn't want to be. You have every right to have the kids, but you can't dictate how he feels. All you can do is face the fact that he is really upset about this and this anger will carry forward into him having no interest in them. Even if he has a relationship with his first child, the way these kids came at him he is certainly going to not want to have a relationship with you, which means you really are going to be on your own. If you seriously don't want child support (a decision I would revisit and think hard about unless you are independently wealthy), then get your legal ducks in a row and have him legally relinquish his rights to the children, so you'll never have to hassle with that later. Then move on with your life. There are a lot of good men out there, some who are well suited to being a stepdad. You're wasting your time and beating a dead horse if you are trying to make this guy into something he is not. Sorry to be so plainspoken, but deal with reality and drop any wishful thinking, and you will be much better off.
No no no. I want no relationship with him. We were together once, for a short time, but it didn't work out. We still did things together, thus, I'm pregnant by him. by all means, I know I will never ever be in a relationship with him again, at least I have no plans to.
I want his family to know about the babies, because I want my kids to have people who care about them aside from myself and my family. I only think it is right for them to have the opportunity to at least know a part of where they come form if the opportunity exists. I don't expect to tell his mom about the kids, then she relays it over to him and tries to lecture him into coming around and being in their lives. That is really completely opposite of what I want. That is my biggest fear in telling her, that if I tell her, she will say something to him, and it will bring about more drama. The last thing I need is more drama with him.
I want him to have a relationship with his kids, but I could care less how he feels about me. He can and will hate me all he wants to, I'm fine by that. I can't change how he feels about me, only he can do that. But he could at least attempt to do the right thing and at least meet his kids. If he doesn't do it on his own, it will be very confusing for them, they might have abandonment issues later in life, etc. And more likely than not, they will become curious one day and they will go out and find him on their own when they reach a certain age. You know you've heard that story more than once, kids are put up for adoption or abandoned by a parent at a young age, they grow up wondering why, and they want answers, so they find answers.
I have told him if he doesn't voluntarily become involved with them, that is when in most cases, the other parent decides to seek legal help. In many situations with young parents, if one parent refuses to be in the picture or pay support, they will seek help to get the money they legally deserve. To prevent that whole legal mess and paperwork and court and everything else, is when a lot of young parents decide to work it out among themselves. We're both young, just 21. I know I don't have a lot of money, my family does not have loads of money. We have enough to get by. Same with him. Taking him to court and going to hurt him financially, and I don't want to do that. Plus I fear for the worst. He had anger problems, I don't want to do something that will make him mad and in turn he lashes out or takes it out on me. Who knows what could happen there. He has never physically hurt me at this point, but I just feel like in a situation like this you can never say never.
Maybe his family will be happy to have a relationship with the kids and care about them, but you can't unilaterally make a guy want to be a dad, no matter if you want it for good reasons (the kids) or not. You say "he can at least attempt to do the right thing," well, maybe he isn't going to. You really have to be ready for that. If he isn't, you really have to be ready to give the kids a complete life without him or his family. Just because kids exist, does not mean that their biological family (or as Dr. Laura puts it, their sperm donor) will sign up to be close or even interested. I know it takes two to tango, but in his eyes, you made this decision to have the kids, yourself. If you had asked him, he would have said don't. I am not saying that what you're doing is mistaken -- I myself could never have an abortion. But I am saying that you keep using a lot of high-minded language to tell me why you want to force him to be involved with the kids, and what he is saying to you is that he does not want this. All of this righteous language about his duties and the kids' needs, will not change his feeling that you are forcing him into something he never, ever wanted. You're even threatening him (obliquely) with court action towards child support and so forth unless he works out some way to be involved. You REALLY cannot force a guy to act fatherly. Begin to plan for the kids to feel a full and cared-for life without their dad. I would no more force fatherhood onto a guy with anger issues than let my baby be cared for by an alligator. I don't see why you aren't deciding that this guy is the alligator and thinking you are well away from him. Instead, you're making plans with back-up to keep the damn alligator in the kids' lives. This is not as good for the kids as you seem to think.
I can't put them up for adoption. I mean, I can.. but I just know I would think about it each and everyday of my life, and I would be really upset, and feel bad about it.
They're going to be biracial, and to me that is no big deal, but I've done research on adoption, and the rate of biracial kids being adopted is lower than single race kids, and I have a fear that if they are put up for adoption, they could get separated.
Our situation is just really weird, and I don't understand it at all. I was pregnant by the same guy before, but it turned out to be a molar pregnancy. The first day I told him I was pregnant, like most guys, he freaked out. Within a day, he calmed down and was okay with the situation, at least that is how he acted. After I found out it was a molar pregnancy and told him, he acted really sad and disappointed. Maybe it was all a front for me, because he knew I was upset about he situation, but that I guess I'll never know. I do know he was okay with me having a baby, and never once mentioned not being there or leaving me or anything like that. He talked to me and saw me everyday he could during that pregnancy. So of course, now that I am pregnant again by the same guy, it is just very difficult for me to understand why his reaction would change dramatically.
Again, I don't like that you are saying I'm forcing him to do anything. I never told him he had to be a good dad or give me anything. I told him that it would make me really happy if he could take the time to meet them and know that. I never once said he had to to do it. As of now I've given up on him being there altogether, I am no longer communicating with him whatsoever. I just don't know if that means I should avoid all contact with his family as well once the babies are born, because whether I physically tell them or not, they are bound to find out. As I said before, I am friends with his sister on facebook and I am pretty decent friends with his aunt... those two alone will know about the babies, especially his aunt will know.. I have no problem with telling her. And his sister is bound to see a picture or two and realize they are her brother's kids. Seeing as his sister lives with his mom, I wouldn't see why she wouldn't slip up at least once and mention it to or around her.. but whatever. I guess I'll wait and see what happens.
You say "I don't like you saying I'm forcing him to do anything." He is being forced on the one big thing, that is, being a father again. Whether he is an involved dad or a caring dad is a separate issue, nobody can enforce that. But as he sees it, you are forcing him to do that one big thing against his will, being a father in the first place, with all the attendant obligations hanging out there. Because of your choice he thinks, (I am the first to admit that having this response is him ignoring that he played an important part), he is forced to become a father again, when he would rather not. Very stupid of him, if this is how he felt, to have unprotected sex, but that's water under the bridge now. I'm not saying it is rational for him to blame you for the pregnancy, after all, there he was with a smile on his face ready to go into action. But the way he is feeling is that "but for" your choice to keep the pregnancy, he would not have to be a father again and face the possibility of the kids having legal claims to him, etc. That is why I keep cautioning that you are probably not going to get what you would like, his involvement with the kids. I am also not saying you should in any way hide the kids from his family, but the idea that you would perhaps appear on their doorstep with them smacks of unnecessary drama. The family will probably step up even where the dad does not, and include the kids occasionally in family things. But your idea that the kids would know their family and be close to them and so on, is going to be something you'll have to wait and see about, and you'd do yourself a favor not to expect a whole lot for at least a while as the news sinks in.
I didn't read all of the responses, so forgive me if I repeat anything.
If this were me, I would accept the fact that he is not going to be a part of these children's lives. I am not certain if at this point I would bring his family into it. I think that until things settle down, it might make a tough situation worse.
I would file for child support. He was an equal part in making these children, and while he can choose to not be a part of their lives, he certainly should be partially responsible in supporting them. Otherwise, he should have taken equal responsibility for birth control.
I would then work on building a strong support system. If you are alone, there are groups out there for single parents. Talk to friends and family members in advance. You are going to need help, especially with twins. I have just one little one, and cannot imagine doing it alone. But there is help out there, you just need to spend a little time looking for it.
I am not sure I would count on his family either. It will be lovely if that does happen, but I think typically familes take the side of their loved one, and for now anyway, may just see you as the women that tried to "trap" him. We know that's not true...it takes two to make a baby, but sadly that is often the way it is treated.
I wish you well. Your in a tough spot. But many children are raised by single parents and do just fine. You however, are going to need support.
If you file for child support, you will have to accept that he will get unsupervised visitation. If you're ready to hand over your precious babies to someone who essentially hates them and you, go right ahead.
I'm sorry he's being forced into this, but he should have used a condom. I always tell guys to use condoms even if the girl says she's on bc. If he didn't, his bad.
Hope your dream family works out the way you've fantized it going. Good luck with the twins.
if he hates them so much and got visitation rights, i doubt he would actually accept it and take them.. if he wants nothing to do with them, why would he want to see them, even if he had the right to? i already said he could see them.. he doesn't want to.
oh.. i think everything is ok now for the most part =] we keep fighting a lot, but not physically of course... just stupid arguments... but he is being more involved now. and sort of caring. it's more than before at least. he just randomly started to talk to me again one day.
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