How do I help a disconnecting Mother?

Hi,
My older sister is 39 Yrs old and has a 3 yr old daughter. She is a single parent and starting dating someone who lives 6 hours away. I fear my sister is disconnecting from her daughter and wants to date and live freely without the responsibilities of being a parent. She works full time and goes away with her boyfriend practically every weekend while my other sisters or grandma babysits for her. She also recently left on a 10 day vacation WITH HER BF without her daughter so basically she sees her daughter after work enough to feed, bathe her and put her to bed and weekends shes gone.

The 3 yr old is showing signs of insecurity and abandonment issues. She never lets her mother out of her sight and asks every hour if her mom is coming to pick her up whether it be from daycare or where ever she is at the time. She is angry and cries and doesn't know why but i think she misses her mom.

Recently my sister asked me to babysit this weekend so she can go off with her BF and this is the 3rd weekend in a row she wouldn't be spending with her daughter. I'm also pregnant and have severe nausea so obviously not ideal.
IS THIS NORMAL SINGLE MOTHER BEHAVIOUR? should I confront her that she's being a selfish mom and she's abandoning her child? DO I STOP BABYSITTING HER DAUGHTER?  I'm not a parent yet so not sure how to handle this but I can't see how this is ok??.


ANY THOUGHTS PLEASE.......

[jdtm]

You have just described our ex-DIL.  Unfortunately, she suffers from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  I'm not saying that your sister suffers from BPD but I suspect she is very self-centered, lacks empathy and perhaps has little conscience.  So sorry - but often, it is what it is.

As for your niece - someone needs to be there for her.  Thankfully, this child has other family members who care for her.  Bless you for caring (by the way, you might wish to google "personality disorders" or "BPD" to see if the description matches your sister).  As I said before - "it is what it is".

[sabby1178]

Thanks for your response. I quickly googled BPD and so far a lot of symptoms are surprisingly right on. I'll look into it some more Thanks again for the honest feedback..

[Ecologic]

I would definitively speak with your sister about your concerns about her daughter. This little girl is at risk of being insecure as an adult if she already feels insecure as a young child.

It is not normal that your sister takes off almost every week-end with her boyfriend.

Your call: speak gently or speak not so gently to her, but do speak to her!

[Mommyjeep11]

As a mother of a toddler I am not sure how to really respond, as I am a stay at home mom and have had 1 "girls night" since his birth 3 1/2 years ago. But I have a friend who is a single mom and her daughter is the same age as my son, she has recently started dating/got engaged to a guy and I feel the same way, that she is ignoring her daughter in favor of spending time with the new guy. She was a wonderful mother before he came along, but I feel that because she was ignored and verbally abused by her ex (the daughters father) that she is just looking for someone to make her feel special and like a woman again and less like a mom. The new guy/fiance is weird, he proposed after 3 weeks, even more weird was that she said yes, but oh well. I try to keep in touch with her as much as possible and make trips to see her so our kids can play. Usually when I am there I end up babysitting and the 2 of them go out on dates. I know I should not allow it but at least someone besides a random babysitter is there for her little girl. And her daughter and my son play so well together, she really enjoys the time that we are there.

I would say that part of her behavior could be due to the new guy and the attention she is getting from him and not others. If the family and most other friends are always interested in the child and the new guy is interested in her then that may be why she is acting this way, which does sort of lead back to the BPD. Good luck with your sister, and just try to be gentle about it.

[skepticalpeach]

I wouldn't talk to your sister, it might just make her angry. But, can you talk to grandma or your other sisters about the situation? Get their opinions and trust them to be quiet about your concerns? And, I would ABSOLUTELY stop babysitting for her unless it's an emergency. Explain that you are not in a position to help her right now. If she pushes and gets angry with you, then tell her the truth about why you won't.

This is a very serious situation. I was friends with a single mom who did this exact same thing with her youngest daughter (grandma raised the oldest one). She jumped from boy to boy and moved a lot, meanwhile dragging her daughter along with her. Her daughter had a speech delay so she kept her home from school and didn't let her get any help. (she's still home schooled). Right now her 14 year old daughter is a complete nightmare. She landed in the hospital with liver damage from taking too many pills and is constantly running away and getting herself in trouble. If your sister continues this behavior I would consider calling child services.