My 3 yr old looking and touching his 20mo old brother
Okay, first let me start by saying this is freaking me out. Every time my boys are alone together and it gets quiet, I go to check on them. The first time I have caught him looking at his brothers butt was in the dinning room. He had actually taken off his brothers pants, and was pulling the top part of his diaper down and smiling while rubbing his finger up and down his butt crack. The baby was standing up playing with a straw and a plastic cup with a lid, having fun putting the straw in the hold. The cup was sitting on a chair. I watched him for a little bit (maybe 45 seconds) to see exactly what he was doing to his little brother. And was SO shocked!!! His little brother actually got mad at him and went to run off, where, if I was still in the living room I would be able to see him. (I was standing in the hallway leading to the kitchen, I at first thought they were playing in the dishwasher, which is where they normally are) well the older one ran over to the baby and tried to quickly pull the babies pants back up, so that no one would know what he was just doing to his brother. Well I spoke with him, told him he is to NEVER touch anything under his brothers diaper. Well he was totally embarrassed that he got caught. But I figured he was just curious about stuff and now that I have explained that he can't do that, it would never happen again.
About 2 days ago the baby fell asleep on the dinning room area rug, and his brother covered him up with a blanket. Well about 10 minutes later I noticed I couldn't see the oldest child and I couldn't hear him. So I again went to the hallway and peeked into the dinning room. He had the baby's right leg uncovered up to the top of his diaper. And had the right side of his diaper undone and was rubbing his hip. His pee pee was not exposed, only the hip. But that freaked me out even more! I have told my husband about this and he says its probably normal, he doesn't know what he is doing. (Our 3 year old is a little slow when it comes to talking and learning things like numbers and colors. but is very smart when it comes to knowing what things are) So I do believe he does know what he is doing. My husband and I told him if he touches any body part of his brothers under his brothers diaper he will go to his room.
Now just tonight his brother was in his room going to sleep, and the older one had gone in his room about 20 minutes later. The baby had woke up and at first they were playing in his brothers crib. (the older child gets a toy chair and climbs in with him) the baby had his diaper on but the older kid was again looking at his brothers butt. I had asked him if he was touching his brothers butt and he shook his head no, with a red face and his hands trying to cover it up. I even asked if he was lying to me and he said no. Well I went to walk out of the room and he started to yell for me, wanting his brother out of the crib so they could play. So I told the older one if he tells me the truth I will let his brother out to play. I asked, were u touching your brothers butt, he shook his head yes. I asked, were you touching your brothers pee pee, he said no. I asked if he had ever touched it, he said no. I thought he was lying about that part so I went to walk back outa the room, he asked again for me to get the baby and I said only if he tells me the truth. I asked him again if he had touched his brothers pee pee in the past and he shook his head yes. I asked him why, does he think it looks funny? He shook his head no. Well then why? he didn't answer (remember he can't talk very well, so this is a normal response) I then asked him, when you touch the baby's butt or his pee pee does it make your pee pee feel funny, he shook his head yes.
I have caught him looking at his brothers butt a few times since this. We have went back to their room to find the babies pants missing or his diaper off completely. the baby does not know how to take either of those off himself. So I know it was his older brother.
I don't know what to do, this has me so scared. I don't want his brother to be molested by his older brother. I have decided I will never leave them alone together, ever again. They don't even get baths together anymore. My husband says not to worry. ..I don't care if he grows up to be gay. That won't bother me at all. I will still love him!! I just don't want him to do anything to his brother. I was molested as a child by my sibling and know how it makes you feel, and I don't want the baby to grow up feeling the way I did. So seeing my older son do this, naturally is freaking me out beyond belief. I am loosing sleep over this at night time.
Has anyone else had something like this happen? is he just curious? Will it stop on its own? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and personal experiences would be awesome too! I have already called his dr and set up and apt so I can speak with her and express my concerns, and see what she has to say about it all.
Also, let me add that I am a stay at home mom, and my kids have only been baby sat 3 times by their grandmother. And this was probably over a year ago. We don't live near family and I don't have friends watch my kids. So I know he has never been touched by someone that is making him so curious. And he hasn't seen anyone doing any of these things. We don't watch movies with any nudity in them while the kids are awake. And when my husband and I go to do our private thing, it's when they are fast asleep in their own room and our bedroom door is locked. There is no key hole for him to look in either. And I stay very quiet, I know he probably would have no clue what the noise was anyways, but i still stay super quiet.
I completely understand why this would be so upsetting to you, especially with your history! But I do think, from my perspective, that it sounds like normal curiosity. I have a 3 y/o daughter and an 18-month-old son, and I have not PERSONALLY experienced any touching or curiosity between them (they are also never alone together, though) but I do know that they have both individually gone through some very frustrating stages of self-exploration.
First of all, try to remember, at 20 months your baby is almost a 2-year-old..that means while he IS the baby, he is beginning to move into new growth stages himself. Chances are he DOES know how to take his diaper and pants off - my 18-month-old has been doing this since about 13 months. That is completely normal.
Your 3 y/o being curious is also normal, although I understand why it's so disturbing. As long as the extent of his curiosity has been butt-touching and leg-rubbing I wouldn't worry. Even if he touched his brother's "pee-pee" the act itself can still be mostly innocent. I would worry if he was specifically fondling, handling, or touching his brother in a way that was explicitly sexual, but merely touching his brother out of curiosity (even if it's happened several times) does not by itself raise a red flag.
I do agree that you should not let them be alone together, though. While I doubt you have anything to worry about, you don't want this behavior to become habit. You also do not want to stifle your older son's sexual development (which unfortunately is all a part of the process) so make sure you're not frightening or humiliating him....just quietly have a talk with him about how private parts are private, and how his brother's parts are ONLY for him, and how your older son's privates are ONLY for him as well. Speaking to your son's pediatrician should help you out with this; i'm sure he/she will have some helpful tips of how to address your son specifically, and how best to handle the situation from here.
But for now..just TRY to breathe. This stuff happens...if you are SURE there is no way he has been molested, then most likely it's just excessive curiosity, and some kids really are more curious and explorative than others so it can be completely normal. I do agree with speaking to his pediatrician just so you have the tools and skills in your mental/emotional arsenal to guide your older son through this without frightening him, but also without allowing the behavior to continue. Self-exploration is fine...brotherly exploration is not. He'll get it!
I too was molested as a child, for years, by an older family member, and the scars it left are numerous and it makes me terrified for my children, so I know where your heart and mind must be at right now...but I really personally think that as long as you are carefully reacting to this situation, not letting them alone together, and making a game plan with your husband and pediatrician on how to handle the behavior from here on out, there will be no permanent problems and this will eventually become a memory.
Hang in there mama..I know you must be scared, and as a survivor of molestation you are completely justified.
I don't know that I would be so unworried as recommended by the prior poster. You say you know that your older child has not been molested even by butt rubbing or rubbing of his penis? Have you asked him this. in any way? (In other words, "has this ever been done to you?") I'm concerned that your husband keeps telling you it's nothing. Many men would be quite alarmed at this, because of the supposed gay angle. (Truth is, child molestation is a different impulse than being gay, but dads don't usually know this, and often get freaked out by the possibility between brothers.) I don't want to set you up to be paranoid about everything, but I guess in your shoes I would try to figure out a way that won't scare your son, to ask him if anyone has ever rubbed *his* butt and or penis, and be prepared to feign mostly indifference if he says something that shocks you. You're mentioning grandma and no babysitters, but presumably the son has been in the care of his dad sometimes when you were not there. I really don't want to suggest any such thing, but our kids have to come first, even if it means you need to check to rule out something that is unthinkable to you.
I hope a thousand times that is not it. The only reason I am wondering is that my son is 5 and has never shown anything like what you're describing. I keep expecting it, but no.
I have asked my son if anyone has ever touched him, in any bad areas, explained what the bad areas were and he said no.
My husband is only left alone with my son maybe 5 hrs out of a year. Seriously! I don't have a license, so I don't even go grocery shopping without my husband and children, or check the mail. He has to take me and the kid with him to do everything, dr's apts, shopping, etc. We are in the military, and it's hard to make friends when you move so much. As of right now I have no friends that I hang out with, ever. We have been here over a year. And at our last base I left my husband with the kids maybe a total of 5 hrs in a whole year. My husband is also deployed ALOT! He actually just got home from a 8mo deployment last month. And has only been home maybe 1 year out of my oldest life. And not 1 year straight. When he deploys I have friends take me shopping. This last time he deployed my best friend came to stay with me so she could drive me around. I can't drive bc of health issues.
I KNOW my husband has never touched my son. He wouldn't even have the time to do it. I am the one who wakes up every morning with the boys and puts them to bed at night. And when I go to bed so does my husband, and I am a very light sleeper, so I would know if he gets out of bed. He wakes me up every time he rolls over or goes to use the bathroom. And the bathroom is in our bedroom, so he doesn't even leave the room.
No one has touched my child. And I know full heart-idly believe this.
Also, my husband is very scared of our son being gay. He can't accept it. But he knows there is nothing he can do. And he also understands that our son is young, he may be 3 but acts like a 2 yr old (he is slow and gets help every week for it, she comes to our house and I am with them the whole time she is here) My husband says he is probably curious, but we have agreed to take him to a dr.
My husband is just as concerned as I am. He just tells me not to worry about it bc I am a worry wart. I lose sleep over everything!! (which really *****) So he tries to tell me things are fine so I don't stress so much.
Well, then, possibly your son is just coming into some of his future hormones a little, and finds it fun to rub on his little brother's satiny behind. If this is true, why not see if you can get him something else tactile that he would like more? Wide satin blanket bindings, silky stuffed toy, etc. Maybe he has just objectified his brother a little at a time when he's a little bored with a 20-month-old's limited range in terms of being a playmate, and his hormones have come on just a tiny bit, all at the same time. We do read a lot in this forum about parents being bugged by their kid masturbating even at the diaper stage, so it's not entirely unusual that a kid would do something that seems pretty sensual to us, even when very young. The nerves are all there, even if the hormones are not fully in play.
Please tell your husband this is not evidence your son is gay. It's probably more proof he's into doing things that feel good to him, and he's somewhat indifferent to who it happens to, which is what a kid would ordinarily be at age 3.
I'd keep doing what you're doing, correcting your son and keeping him from being able to get at his brother. I would also work on finding him something else to rub and stroke. This matters not only for your brother's sake, but also you never want the mortification of finding him doing it to a little playmate and having to discuss it with the little playmate's angry mother.
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