Not the father

Recently, my bf had found that he is not the father of the 4 year old child he thought was his. After 4 years of recognizing the child as his own, he is having a hard time deciding when and how to tell this child. Can someone offer a suggestion on how to go about it?  The child's mother is in no way eager to let the child know.

Concerned GF

[Janie_sae]

If he loves the child and is close to the child, then why break the childs heart.  Does he still want to be Daddy?

[heatherlynn22]

there is no easy way to tell. like janie said does he want to be daddy? does he love this child? unless the bio father wants involved why cause this baby the pain? if he wants nothing to do with the child the easiest thing is to just tell them. no matter how he tells him/her it's going to be hard and hearts will be broken.

[Rosa758]

Yes he loves the child. However, he also believes that the child has to know the truth. Being that the child's mom kept the truth to both my bf and his child, she also has been negative on what she is telling the child about his absence for the last few months.  This is really heartbreaking.

[heatherlynn22]

she needs to stop focusing the negativeness on him and put it on herself. she's the one who has been lying and it's not right for her to put blame on your bf. would your bf be willing to tell the child later in life? perhaps when he can understand things better? does his ex let him see the child? or is she keeping him/her from your bf? if she's keeping the child from your bf it is her place to tell him/her why. even though i think if your bf wants to continue being in the childs life she should let him. what harm is it doing letting him/her know that there is a man who wants to be his/her father?

[Rosa758]

I wish things were that easy with the kid's mother. I am just supporting my bf for whatever he thinks is right. Although I believe that the child has the right to know the truth. When the best time would be.... will rest upon how the child begins to understand.
Thanks for your input.

[heatherlynn22]

i hope things turn out alright for your bf and the child and the mother quits being self fish.

good luck to you all.

[babygirl6152]

well he could let him start calling "HIM" Uncle Joe and let things basically remain the same- the boy will need a good father figure either way- is that the role BF plays now?

there is really no reason NOT to tell him now/early- but It should just be matter of fact- there can just be a positive ice cream date- and it is mentioned- the boys still needs to feel there are men and women he can trust- DNA has nothing to do with it....

[Rosa758]

He has always been the father to him.. although, i think he wants to leave some space between him and the child.  I am not exactly sure what he really wants to do for now, but I will support him either way..

[promysed]

I think maybe he should wait untill he is old enough to understand whats going on. If he loves him then yes he should try to stay in his life and be a father figure but at the age of 4 he is used to him loves him so I think it should be up to the mother to break the news since its her fault but maybe when he starts school and old enough to understand more
but i think he should still let him know even though hes not the bio father that he loves him very much and always be there for him ( if he wants to of course) and that this situation is not the his (the child) fault and he did nothing wrong.thats just my opinion on it

[angelkiss9]

Just came across your posts... First of all, how old is your boyfriend? Has he been paying child support for the child? Was your boyfriend ever married to the childs mother? This is an unfortunate case, especially for the child. I understand that your boyfriend wants the child to know the truth, but it is a very confusing topic to bring up to a four year old. Your boyfriend has to think about what he wants to accomplish by telling the boy this news. If he is planning on staying involved in the childs life, than maybe he should hold off until the child can better understand. The child will respect him for being there for him as a biological father would have been. Has he thought about talking to a family therapist? They would probably have the most insight on how to handle this subject. Good luck!