Parenting Toddlers (1-5) Community
OUT OF CONTROL
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OUT OF CONTROL

I have two children, my oldest daughter is 6. She is fine for the most part. She is so so well behaved at school. Of course at home she fights non stop with her brother. I have even caught her trying to kick him in the head before. She doesn't listen to me 90% of the time. She will look at me like I am not even talking, or not look at all and cont. to do what she is doing that I ask her not to do. First off I have never been one to GIVE into my kids. I punish them. I am about the only one that does. My husband finally started being the "bad" guy too. To give me some relief. But my kids are with me 24/7. My husband use to back off and not say or do anything cause he works out of town, away from house M-F and is only home weekends. So i get they like and listen to him more, they never see him, and see me 24/7, But even still. But like I said my daughter is overall well behaved, I mean nothing more than attitude, fighting with brother( common) she just does it sometimes a bit extreme. Like a bad temper, which I know ALL to well. I myself have a TERRIBLE temper. I learnt over year how to control it, and not show it. But as a kid it was a whole different ball game. And if i get mad enough at someone even now it WILL show, only not shown to my kids, I will go outside to cool off or something if they push me over the limit. I never lose it with them or around them. NO WAY. But as well as my bad temper, their father has one just as bad. Not to mention my father had a BAD temper as well, which is where I think my temper comes from, and my husband mother has a bad bad temper as well. But none of us every show these so called tempers within the kids. They never see the worst of us by any means.

But my main issue, I am worried about my son. He is 4 now. And while sometimes the things he does can be funny or cute. 90% is not to me. And it seems I am the only one in my whole extended family that things this has become an issue. BAD ONE. He makes threats when he is mad, throws hits not tanturms, flat our ANGRY moves when he gets mad. Doesn't get what he wants etc etc. He even goes as far as threatening me with this such as" I will flip your car over" or " I will call the police, and you go to jail" the first few times, it was funny, cute so to speak, but when I realized this was not a one time thing, that he would cont. to do this over and over, on a daily basis it was not longer cute. Today was the kicker. I had to take my daughter to cheerleading practice, my son stayed with my mother and father while we went. I got back to find out this: My son STABBED my father with a fork, cause he was mad. STABBED him, i am not talking the little "stabs" kids do with forks we all know and seen before. My father has four holes in his hand, and it bled. OMG I was on fire when I found out. Not to mention, my dad had been drinking, he is a life long drinker, he won't stop, and he isn't a mean drunk anything like that,not anymore anyways, he loves my kids, give them anything they want, Paw Paw is the best to them, they love him. Anyways, my mother was their to watch him anyways,. But since my dad had been drinking a few hours, he felt he was NOT in the position to punish him. Which was right, never punish them when you are not in normal state of mind, and not when you are so angry to hurt them, I get that. But still how do you punish that? Dad said no more forks for a LONG LONG time, if that had been my daughters eye what then? I mean seriously, when does this end? How much are you suppost to slip away. At what point is enough enough?  Now overall when my son is NOT mad, he is the sweetest child every, I mean pure SWEET.  A total angel, other than the fighting with his sister, which i get they are gonna fight sometimes just all there is to that. But it is as if he cannot control his temper when he gets mad, and it seems to only be getting worse by the day.  Now he was a very very sick baby, in and out of children's hospital when he was little, so he did get babied ALOT, and I feel that is part of the problem. but I have winged him off that baby stages 2 , when yr ago,he got in trouble from age 2 to now, he got punished. I have every single method of punishment. He doesn't care, I mean he will cry or whatever, but it seems it doesn't change the fact he still cannot manage his temper. It is like beyond control. Like I said if he isn't mad he is good as gold, sweetest boy you could ever meet, you would never think this little boy could even do such a thing. but he does. yet I am the only one that see the problem. my husband does see the problem but not as bad as it is. my mother thinks nothing is wrong,and my dad well, since he was always working and drinking, drinking and working,when I was little he is trying to make up for that now,thru my kids,they do no wrong.I mean all my dad did today, was tell my son to eat and stop playing with food.He got up from the table,walked over, "stabbed" the little fake silly stabs kids do with forks sometimes,on my dads butt, where his wallet was, nothing extreme,he said "Bubba" you can't stab people like that,it wasn't extreme at that point, but in return my son turns to my dad's front,looks at like with eyes that would burn right thru you and STABBED my dads hand.

But when I sat my son down to talk to him about it. Cause this is something more than just punish him and go on, this needed and needs a serious talk with him about it,explain what he did,find out what triggered this extreme temper.You know what I mean.yet trying to talk to him about it is way off,he doesn't even seem to understand what was so wrong,he doesn't seem to register what he did was SOOOO bad,it is weird. Like he doesn't even know he did something wrong. No matter how I word it or try to explain it.On top of it all,he is lying about it.Ask him,he says "No i didn't do that" Then I ask him who did he says" trista did it not me".Knowing full well I know for a fact trista wasn't even there, She was at practice, which is where I was, she had left with me. he knew she left with me.so why even lie about it.  

what scared me the most that he simply doesn't understand what he did was so serious.To him it was nothing more than any other temper fit, or misbehaving. No doesn't understand what he did? And I can't seem to get him to understand it. So how to even go about punishing him. How can the punishment even begin to work right and be used properly if he doesn't even understand what he did wrong?I have been a parent that has tried all the punishment ways,other than the cruel ones, such as locking a child in a room to cool off, I don' t believe in that.But I am a parent that believes you don't simply punish the child you must explain what they are in trouble for,and why.but with this issue it is impossible cause I cant get is brain or mind to register what was so wrong.

It seems like his temper is only getting worse. my daughter has the temper as well, but she knows right from wrong, she channels hers,the worse she has ever done is hitting here and there and the screaming at top of lungs,but she even know when enough is enough. She even know when she is going to far to stop.She has never done anything that WORRIED me, and she always knew what she had done was wrong,understood it.  But my son it seems each day it gets worse and worse. When is enough enough?When do i say okay something has got to be done?What when he physically harms one of us,to where we need medical attition?Then it is too late.  

I know this cannot be normal for a child of 4, this is not normal for any child of any age.it like when he is good he is good, but when he is mad he is BAD BAD BAD.when he gets mad he doesn't simply yell like most kids,it does this mean like growl,like some crazy person about to snap?But his peds,my parent even my husband think he is just being a kid.Really,I never seen a kid act like he does and nobody seems to want to help,or more nobody wants to see the REAL problem here
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13167 tn?1327197724
Well,   what works for you?

What have you found that you use during the time you want to explode,  but have learned not to?  Teaching him that skill will probably work, whatever it is - closing your eyes and breathing,  removing yourself from the scene,  whatever you do when you get that adrenaline rush of a loss of temper will probably be good for him to use,  too.
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Avatar f tn
Oh yeah I forgot to mention his temper/out of control/ need to be in total control of everything is so bad, he is 4 and not fully potty trained, cause if you push him more on it he does worse, it seemed the best way was to back off and let him do it on his time. I finally said enough he is 4 now and not potty trained, when he has known how to potty since he was 2 just refused to do it cause it was something mommmy wanted him to do. So I said forget it, enough already, he knows when to go how to go, and all that stuff. i stopped pull ups all together, other than at night, I know that part is harder and just has to be learned over time, and now he gets in trouble whenever he messes on himself, period no questions. unless he gets a little wet from where he didnt make it in time, got their used the potty just a few secs late if you know what I mean, that i feel doesn't need punishing he went potty just didnt get there as quickly as he though he could, that is more time management, he has to learn over time, how quickly he can get there, when it is TIME to go, his timing is off a bit, but to just stand there and potty on himself with no efford, no i don't thinks so. And it seems this new way of training is working. In a week he has only had 4 MAJOR problems, other than that, he has went potty everytime.Sometimes making a small mess, which i understand that happens, heck that happens to grown adults. He tried which is what really matters to me.   So that was some more back ground into his mind. he is a do it myself, don't need nobody help, and he wont do it if he knows it is something you really want him to do, so don't show you want him to do it, and he will get it done, kind of kid.
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13167 tn?1327197724
Since both his parents and grandparents have terrible tempers,  it's to be expected that he has a terrible temper too.    The apple doesn't fall far from the tree,  as they say,  and you've listed both yourself and your husband,  and 2 grandparents who have extreme tempers.

He comes by it honest,  as they say.
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Avatar f tn
Yeah but how to make him control it, as we do. Of course as a kid I didn't control mine either. But I never went as to extremes as he does. I knew when enough was enough. I don't want his temper to get the best of him, I don't his temper to get him in trouble or really hurt someone. I totally understand the temper. But how to control it at his age, it seems so impossible. He is gonna end up really hurting someone one of these days, then what? Heck he already has hurt someone. I am more than sure that fork into the hand was not fun, it surely hurt. My dad is use to pain. He works in construction and gets nicks all day everyday, so it probably didn't hurt him really, but it would have hurt anyone else. I know it is the temper, I know why it is there. Where I am stuck is how to control it. I can't simply give into him, and let him have whatever he wants, that is what my parents did to me, and it made me into some self centered spoiled rotten brat, I was terrible. I grew up and saw what I had become and changed it. But I will not make my son that way too. I mean it is one thing to give in on a bad day once in a while. And i knew surely out of two kids one of them would have it, and probably I knew it would be BAD BAD one, it coming in from both sides of the family so to speak. Double hit of it.But I still have to find a way to control it. I have got to find a way where a 4 yr old understand controlling it. If I don't teach him now, he will never learn, and become a problem child in school,public, and a problem adult who seems to find trouble everywhere. Much like I did for a long time, till it was pointed out to me how I was. I didn't think I was doing any wrong, I lived that way for 18 years, I didn't see it. It took my husband pointing out my problem for me to even see it. And it took me 3 years to fix it, get my temper under control and such. I don't want to wait till he is 18 and explain what he is doing and how it is wrong. I want to teach him now, but it seems like it isn't "sinking" in. Like he doesn't understand me, as if I am speaking some forgein language to him or something.
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13167 tn?1327197724
Well,   what works for you?

What have you found that you use during the time you want to explode,  but have learned not to?  Teaching him that skill will probably work, whatever it is - closing your eyes and breathing,  removing yourself from the scene,  whatever you do when you get that adrenaline rush of a loss of temper will probably be good for him to use,  too.
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Avatar f tn
Well I mean I learn the temper gets me nowhere. it doesn't fix the problem and usually makes a bigger mess than I started with, how do you teach that to a 4 year old. I don't go outside,I just realized one day it is pointless and doesn't help the issue any. So I control it that way, but I guess trying anything at this point will help, close his eyes, any of that stuff, it may not work with me or may not be what i do but it could help him some. I don't blame him for the temper, I understand it. I just couldn't figure out how to go about fixing the problem.
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