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WHAT CAN I DO??
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WHAT CAN I DO??

Hello everyone, i know this is legnthy... im sorry but i desperately need help. Okay.... well my boyfirend of almost 2 years has a 4 year old son. Before me and him got together, the kid would always stay with my bf's mom. Now, I am available to watch him all the time. Heres the problem, the kid is so attatched to his grandmother. At my house, the child has rules. He has a strict bed time of 8 o'clock, he is not allowed to drink after dinner (he pee's the bed every night!! Any tips on this would be greatly appreciated too), I do not allow toys in my living room (those thigns hurt when u step on them, and he has a huge room all to himself), he HAS to sleep in his own room, and I do not put up with the whining and crying. Is this too unreasonable? On the other hand, at the kids grandmas house, he has no rules, no bedtime, no nothing. I was over there the other night and he was sucking down a pepsi like 2 minutes before he went to bed. He also sleeps in his grandparents bed with them. They treat him like he is 2 still! It makes me sick! Now, he hates coming to our house. He absolutely hates it. When we come to pick him up, he throws the biggest fits ever. He throws things, slams his head against walls, kicks, screams, everything you can think of. You would seriously think we beat him over here or something. He cries the whole way here and even when we get here. This kid is so out of control. We try to punish him for all of the crying (He his such a crybaby... he cries if you drop something literally). I sware his grandparents are turing him in to a spoiled 2 year old brat. He talks back and everything! I dont know what to do. His father isnt any help, but i am sick of it! I tell my bf to not let him go over there anymore, but he says he cant do that to his parents. So, we have to put up with all of the crying and screaming. Any tips or advice. PLEASE... I NEED HELP.
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Since it is your bf parents, your boyfriend needs to be on board with you.. You can try calmly and rationally speaking with the grandparents. But if you and your bf are not united in this, it seems like a losing battle.  At your home, you might try altering the boundries a bit, temporarily. Say for example, he can play with a few toys in the livingroom BUT when he is done and before he can bring anymore out, he has to put the others away first. Just to make the transition from No Boundries to having boundries a little easier for him. And if you speak with the grandparents, make sure you come across as being for what is in the best interest of the child but personally I wouldn't do that without your bf support and attendence. Grandparents can be very protective. And since you are "just their son's  girlfriend" in their eyes, you might get some resistence.
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338830_tn?1230003078
Thank you for your reply. Yeah, my boyfriend and I are united in this. He wantst to tell his mom that they are making our jobs here harder by what she is doing over there. He just doesnt know how... he doesnt want to hurt thier feelings bc they love this kid. Yeah, making the transition between boundaries is a good idea and I will try to incorporate that into his day. Thanks.
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Avatar_n_tn
i cant imagine being in this position - but i guess i'd say that you also need to view it from the 4 year old's perspective. from what you have written, he is in very confusing circumstances.   a lot of what you are saying happens with my own son and he has no confusion at home whatsoever.  he probable doesnt view you as the caregiver and the rule giver and why would he?  i would say that your rules (except for the toy thing - that to me seems unreasonable) are entirely appropriate but the kid sounds like he's being pulled from place to place, where the rules change etc.  
maybe i should be watching less doctor phil, but i think dr. phil would say that you, as the girlfriend, should not be charged with disciplinary duties - not fair to you or the child.  
good luck!!
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Thank you for your reply. Well, I am not just the girlfriend... I am the fiancee. Basically his step mom (we are getting married on October 2008). Well, my bf has a very demanding job... he works 8 am to 8 pm everyday of the week but sundays. I dont know if I forgot to mention this, but I have him during the day when his dad is at work. When his dad is at work, I am the boss. He follows my rules, but his father agrees with my rules too so when he's here, which he never is bc by the time he gets home, the kid is already in bed. My bf takes his kid to his moms house about 1 night a week, and maybe to visit for a couple hours for a day. Thats it. Ohter than that, he is with me, so shouldnt I have the right to discipline? The kids mom doesnt give a **** about him... she up and moved to South carolina and started a new family and forgot about her kid here. Shes a real POS. So, basically, me decidiing to marry this man, brings upon me the responsibility of a mother. I have to bc nobody else will. By the way, I am extremely OCD, and having toys in the living room would drive me nuts. I just wont do it when it will make my house look a mess. THe kid has the biggest room in the world to play with his toys that is right next to the living room. But anyways, Thanks.
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Avatar_n_tn
Oh girl! I am giggling (not in a negative manner) and I feel for you so much! I too have OCD tendencies. Let me tell you, it's going to be really hard on you with a child. I just go nuts....with the messes and frustrations of a small child who seems only to be happy with messing up my house. Yes, those toys HURT when you step on them and/or accidently kick one. I am only consoled by the fact that they get older and it will get better (mine is 27 month old boy). Just try to be patient and if you can.......try to ignore the messes. Then like I do, Make time at certain times of the day  to pick up and straighten up. Since he's 4 make a game out of it and get him involved. I mean, when mine is down for a nap and after he goes to bed, I am fixing my house. I know it is sooooo hard but try not to go around after him cleaning up cuz I know from experience you will go bonkers. My boy is having problems with his father's new work schedule and since your fiance is worse than my hubby's....that might be a contributing factor in the problems you are having. When he has a day off, maybe they could have a "boys day out" or in where  they have one-on-one time.That gives you uninterrupted cleaning time. We do that.  It does wonders on my end. Since you and your fiance are on the same page, possible speak with his parents and maybe they too need to start off with "small" boundries to instill. My Grammy (our son's great-grandmother) gives our son candy , sugary snacks and chips (not allowed at home). She isn't the one that has to "peel him off the ceiling" when it's bedtime. We approached it cautiously, nicely but firmly. We explained that he won't go to sleep at night and screams for hours because the sugar makes him hyper. That we would prefer that he not have sweets at this time because he doesn't react to it very well at this young age. That's just one example we have had to deal with. If you guys child is the only grandchild (I am the only grandchild and son is the only great grandchild) there's  such a bond b/t grandparents and their grandchildren. It's hard cuz you don't want anyone to suffer or hard feelings BUT you two are his parents and they do ahve to respect the decisions you two make. I'd "rehearse" what you two are going to say and play devils advocate with any counters the grandparents may have (just to be prepared) you never want it to get emotionally escalated. Good Luck and Congrats on your impending wedding.
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Avatar_n_tn
wow - this is really hard. i think you def. have the right to discipline, i just dont see how you can get these other people on board.   it seems like a lot of pressure on you.  
(and i seriously get all my guidance on this stuff from dr. phil so obviously take it with a grain of salt!)
he always says it's very hard on both the kid and the stepparent to put the stepparent in the authority role.  but i guess if you have no choice you maybe could have a real sit down with the non-discipline family members and say 'this isnt working'.     good luck    that sounds like a LOT
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By the way, I am extremely OCD, and having toys in the living room would drive me nuts. I just wont do it when it will make my house look a mess. THe kid has the biggest room in the world to play with his toys that is right next to the living room.

Are you kidding me???
Listen I agre that rules, well guidelines, are a good idea for all childern but you need to lighten up.  He's 4 NOT 12.  Children at that age do not understand OCD and toys are their life.  If you must have a clean house, then you need to pick your battles.  ALlow him to play in your living room but let him know that he must clean up.  I really think you need to work on dealing with your OCD a little more and stop expecting this child to have to have such ridged rules because you have a disorder.  I can tell you this... I too suffer from OCD and I have had to be on medication for this for years and now I ama mother.  All of my rules went out the window because my child is my first priority.  Maybe if he were your blood son you would be quicker to loosen up a bit.  In your initial post you calle dhim a cry baby.  He's 4!!  You really need to get a book or be around kids more.  I'm sure having a new "mom" is confusing and since you obviously spend most of the waking day with im, he might need a little reassurance from his father.
I can only venture to guess that you are relatively young.  I think the father needs to stand up for his child a little here.
I do agree with you on a few thigns, however. I do think that grandparents are on this earth to spoil a child but I also think that there are things they ust adhere to if you and the boys father want them to like the food situation and the scheduling.  Of course the child is not going to want to go to your house since he can do whatever he wants at their house but that is probably going to be a battle for the rest of your lives.  I would talk to the grandparents about the sugar and the routine and see if you can come to an understnading.  
I don't htink you have the right to suggest that the boy not go to his grand parents house unless they are hurting him.  You're taking all of their actions and the boy's actions personally like they are out to get you.  
I'm glad his father told you no to your request that he not go to his grandparents house.  It seems you aren't that loving towards the boy so it's a good thing he has those grandparents so they can let him be a 4 year old.  
Pick your battles.
Good luck./
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147172_tn?1226761778
One last thing, If you NEED to have a spotless house without toys and with constant order you should be marrying someone wihtout a child.
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Avatar_n_tn
I have seen a post you made in another forum, where you called the child "The Devils Spawn"...Just maybe, maybe this child senses your lack of love for him and his behaviour is the result of that.

You don't sound like someone who likes children very much.  Like girlybuff said, if you need a spotless house without toys, you should find a man who doesn't have a child and doesn't want one.
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Avatar_n_tn
THIS IS THE POST WRITTEN BY LAMB18 IN THE FORUM SEXUALITY AND RELATIONSHIPS....girl, you either find a way to love this child or leave alone with his dad.  He doesn't need to be around someone who doesn't care much for him.

"Hello. I can give you a lot of advice. My boyfriend has a 4 year old son with some POS that lives in North Carolina. When I first got with him, the kid didn't bother me. After a while, when I wanted to go out on the weekends and hang out with him, he couldnt because he had his kid. It really got on my nerves to the point where I wanted to leave him. We did split up for about 2 months, but got back together after I had cooled off. Now, all 3 of us live in the same apartment and the kid really just irritates the **** out of me. He is the biggest cry baby that i have ever seen, he is already talking back (I know its crazy), i had no idea that a child at the age of 4 could already be so disrespectful. OMG i go crazy all the time. It also gets to me that me and him no longer have "our time" together. There is always one more. It sucks. I am not going to lie. But I love my boyfriend to death and I always tell myself that I will not let his satan spawn (haha) get in the middle of us. If you have a high tolerance, go for it, but I am warning you it totally sucks! I am only 18, but if your ready to settle down and start a family (whether now or later) this will be the right decision for you. Good luck..."
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Avatar_n_tn
Despite whatever frustration you feel toward this child's mother I hope you don't talk about her in such a way in front of him. How confusing this situation must be for him. His mom (who is supposed to love him) is gone and you (who seem to be steppin in as a mother) don't seem to be illustrating true love for him. It seems to be more of a problem and you want to know the best way to shut him up and have him be a little robot child. Sure, he may be a little spoiled but thank God for those grandparents. Perhaps the attention and spoiling are their way of making up for the problems that could be caused by an absent mother. You need to grow up and stop worrying about the spotless house and think more about the well being of this boy. You take the approach your doing him such a favor marrying his father. Maybe the biggest favor you can do this boy is either learn to have more of a motherly love or move on to a different childless relationship!
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Avatar_n_tn
Let's get off the high horses and get to the root of the problem people.

Here are my points:

1.  You have every right to discipline the child even as "just the girlfriend" or "just the finance" basically by living with the dad and the dad supporting you in doing this you are the child's step parent and have a right in it all.  PLEASE with the bs about just being a girlfriend.  I have no time for that nonsense - children need/have and require to learn to respect all people not just mom and dad and if you didn't at all discipline him he would completely walk all over you and that is wrong.  period.

2.  Yes you probably do need to work on the OCD issues - he's just 4 and a 4 yr old needs to play and imagine and be free that's a big part of how they learn abstract concepts like sharing, tidying, quiet time, or even concrete concepts and roles.  So I would suggest trying to allow him to play in the living room or wheever BUT maybe only certain toys come out at a time, and when he's finished with one he puts it away before getting a different one - this will also teach him to clean up after himself - something every child no matter how old needs to learn.  You think they will automatically start doing it by themselves when they hit 6 or 7 haha yea right if you don't start teaching it now but you have to teach it.  Not scream and freak out.  Teach and watch him learn and grow.

3.  The bed wetting thing is probably something you are just going to have to deal with for awhile I would eliminate fluids minimum 2 hours before bed, maybe even 3 hours and see if that helps at all.  Children grow very rapidly and they often can't keep up with their bladder control because of it.  Also, they sleep more then adults often 10-12 hours per night and that's a long time to hold it!!!!  And they can't always wake themselves up to go - so stick with it but I wouldn't be making a big deal out of it it is very common for bed wetting at night to occur at his age.

4.  Until your finance steps up and tells his mom how it needs to be you are in tough.  Think of it from the boy's perspective - he gets to be one way at grams and then can't at your place?  Majorly confusing for him to understand.  ALL people involved in the child's life need to be on the same page and that has to come from your finance to his mother and it has to happen now.  You will be hard pressed to see any major improvements until that happens.  Hey if you got to be totally free and get whatever you wanted in one environment, why the heck would you act disciplined and quiet and respectful in another???  No way the other way is too much fun.  See my point?  That fact is not really the boy's fault - grams has to step up and let your finance be the parent here because he is the parent not her.  His rules, his kid.  

5.  Have you ever seen the show John and Kate plus 8??? They have 8 kids under 6 years old and she is a germophobe and neat freak and manages to keep her house pretty impressively clean (it boggles my mind how she can!) but you can but you have to realize that he is just a child and he will get messy and dirty and that's something you need to accept.  you can control rooms like the bathroom, your bedroom etc but you cannot control the entire environment that is NO fun for him and 4 year olds need to have a little fun.  So definately try and curb your OCD, counselling, or finding an outlet of some kind to help.

6.  It is very possible that the child senses your resentment - even if it's just a little bit.  You need to give love to be loved and I think you and the finance need to have a chat about that.  It will never work if you don't come to grips with the resentment.  The boy will only end up being perfect to everyone but you because of it and it will start a nasty cycle of mistrust, disrespect and anger.  Children have feelings too and are VERY intelligent even if we as adults think "oh they are only 4"

I wish you the best but until all parties are on board with the same game plan nothing will improve.
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338830_tn?1230003078
First of all, thanks becks for not being such a *****. For you others, I could care less what you think. I will learn to lighten up, but until I get used to the idea, he will have to bear with me. You have no right to judge whether or not I care for the child. You have no idea, so why dont you pick your own battles. Dont come on here and judge me. I was just asking for advice, not a ***** fit. Thank you. I do not resent the child, it is just going to take some getting used to. I was talking about his temper tantrums when I compared him to the devils spawn. You seriously have no idea. So what, I am not good with kids, so I sought to get some advice from knowlegable people, not judgmental *******. SO, thank you guys for the advice you have given me and I will seriously take it. I will post when I see an improvement. Thanks again.
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Avatar_n_tn
You came to a public forum for advice and you got it.  When you post something, don't EXPECT that you are going to hear what you want to hear or would like to hear.

My dear, your posts made you sound quite selfish and indicates some rensent of the child.  But, like you said, who are we to judge you.

I hope you can find it within yourself to ' learn to lighten up" and I hope the CHILD will learn how to "bear with you".

All the best....
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338830_tn?1230003078
Yeah maybe I actually made it sound like I resent the child, but I dont. I like the child, its just that his temper and little attitude is what irritates me. I dont have any kids yet, but we are trying for our first. In between now and then, I will teach myself to lighten up. I admit, I can be selfish. So, the best advice is to fix myself first, then worry about the child? Today, I let him play in the living room and then I made him clean up afterwards. It went pretty good. Well, thanks for the advice. It was well needed.
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Avatar_n_tn
look, you are a child yourSELF.  i dont know why in hell you are charged with taking care of a 4 year old.  i know it's hard to understand at this age, but if you are really 18 both YOU AND THE CHILD have been victimized by this whole situation.   unless this 'fiance' of yours is somehow miraculously 18 as well. with a 4 year old.
i am 37. i have one child. i dont have to work anymore.  i have no money concerns. i have an INCREDIBLY supportive husband who arrives home at 5 everynight and takes over care of our 3 year old. and my *** is still beat every single day with a 3 year old.   it's a lot of work and terribly frustrating even if it is your own child.
i wish you the best and hope you aren't kissing your 20's away.    this is a lot to bite off at your age. when i think back about what a baby i was back then... i shudder at the thought of having to do what you are doing.
good luck, seriously.
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I read all these posts.  Plain and simple.  You are way to young and inexperienced to be getting married and taking on the responsibilities of a 4 year old child.  After having a child myself I have always said you can never be prepared to be a mother and what actually happens in the real world.  My daughter started talking back the day she was born I believe.  She would get frustrated and cry because she was hungry or needed a clean diaper.  Now she is three and we are just beginning to potty train.  Kids do things in their own time.  If you do take time out of your life to raise a child it is going to be very hard.  I pray your relationship lasts, but if it doesn't you  have to realize that you wasted all this time and you not getting to go to college, go out and play and be with your friends.  When your a mother to a small child you really don't have time for friends, no time to watch a movie.  If it is not waiting on your husband, child, or your house it is something else.  Their will always be laundry to do, vacuuming, dishes in the sink no matter what and dust on the furniture.  Their will always be a toy somewhere it is not suspose to be.  This is reality.  Motherhood and being a wife is VERY hard.  You will be lucky to get a bath everyday and take one without someone wanting something.  These are facts.  You will have to give up on sleep and just basic necessities like eating or resting.  I too miss those days before I was married and being sick and calling in and laying in bed resting.  Now I get sick and their is still laundry, people hungry, dishes and things that have to get done and no one to do them, but you.  He works all the time so I hope and pray you realize that your life will be put on hold and you have to be their to listen to this little boy that is confused and had his life changed dramatically.  If you keep treating him the way you do he will never respect you and will be hiding things from adults as he gets older.  He needs to be with an understanding that you are not only there as a person that gets on to him all the time, but someone that is going to be there when he looses his first pet, when he gets dumped for the first time, or when his friends are teasing him about being a virgin and pressuring him to do drugs.  Pick you battles, children are very precious and a gift from God that we have the opportunity to be in their lives to guide them along and pray they will be happy, well rounded adults.  My sister-in-law has belittled her step children so much that they are scared to say anything to her or their father.  They hide things from them.  She is terrified to ask for food if she is hungry, a drink when she is thirsty, and this is just four days a month they have them.  They know their not wanted by her and they act out because of it.  Just remember that as a parent of any kind you have to still remember he is a child and childhood only last for so long and then they are out in this big bad world holding their own.  You should feel lucky you have his grandparents to fall back on.  We don't and it is very difficult.  We can't send her to grandparent's house for the weekend so we can have alone time, we don't get to go to a movie.  Frakly I am glad, because I love my child so much that I do not want to be away from her for that long.  I know one day I will have to, but she is well rounded and beautiful with her messes and yelling and back talking.  Good luck and you really need to think about how much you want to be involved in his life and how lucky you are to be able to help him.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Wow... this is a very strong subject. First of all, I read one of your posts and it says that the child has to bear with you until you learn. That is not fair, he is four years old. You are the adult. You have to bear with him. Secondly, you are WAY too hard on him. He is practically still a baby! I really don't think you are ready for a four year old. This is coming from someone who has had to deal with "the evil stepmom" and I am also a mother of a small child. I do believe that the grandparents are causing a problem. Children thrive on boundries, and that is something you will definitely  need to communicate with them about. They need to work with what you are comfortable with.

You are going to have to learn to be more understanding and patient with this child. Crying is normal, tantrums are normal, messes are normal. If you don't like these things you might want to reconsider the relationship. Also, you can't come on to a forum filled with mothers who care for their children and other children and not expect some anger when you say the things you have said.  I really hope that you can learn to be patient with him and communicate with him because otherwise life is going to be very hard for both of you. Remember he is just a baby, no matter what kind of a mouth he has, and you are an adult. You have to act like the adult and treat him like the child.

I would like to commend you on your effort with letting the child play in the living room and having him pick up the mess. That was very good and shows that there is some hope. Having children pick up after themselves also makes them feel good about themselves and teaches responsibility. If you can learn to communicate with this four year old and learn to remember that he is just a child and that you have to be an adult and be patient with him, things may work out for you. But if you only want to get mad at him and not let him be a kid, you should really reconsider being with a man that has a child already.
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Avatar_n_tn
Wow, 18 years old, ready made family and trying for your own. First what the child is going through is basically normal for most 3-5 year olds, but he also shows signs of neglect, being yelled at and ignored, good explaination of why he throws a fit coming home. He needs attention and to feel wanted, that's why most kids clutter the whole house with thier toys it's part of the whole separation issue. He just wants to be near you and part of you, his really big room is just that a room empty of human contact and love. OCD is really common and parents who decide to have kids have to seriously think if it's something they really want and can handle. Your own child will be no different so if this one is too difficult try to imagine two. So many teens want a family these days (and have OCD) usually because they come from unhappy upbringings, thinking if they have thier very own family that everything will be all better. Maybe some parenting classes or maybe just some logical thinking instead of emotional.Very unfair and a bit childish coming here critisizing the grandparents and child but not wanting to hear what very well may be the truth, sometimes if you think real hard you may actually understand what we are saying. But as I have dealt with way too many girls between 15 and 23 listening and reasoning doesn't seem to be option. Am I being a b*tch? Good, I'm not really concerned for you but I am seriously concerned for the child and any future ones, so should your "fiance" and his parents.
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Avatar_f_tn
you need to lay off the age issue--age has nothing to do with it.  she has to learn how to be a mom, shes 4 years behind--it aint her fault, and she doesnt want to quit, she wants help.  the time shes spent on earth has nothing to do with her ability to be a mother.  shes venting, if she was some mean abusive monster, you think shed be sharing that on here???  she wants real advice, not what youve picked up from dr. phil.  and my advice to you is write--keep a notebook on him, turn him into a science project, youll learn what sets him off and what keeps him happy--put your ocd to work--try to transfer it to him.  hes never had a mom before, grandparents are there to spoil them, not raise them--if his dad works that much, you are all he has.  good luck--and i started young and i have 6 kids, 4 of them are boys, ive dealt with alot, so if you need help, let me know, ill give you my email.
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