I'm about to go to Highschool in a couple of weeks. When I was in the second grade I moved and my heart was broken(on the terms of a small child anyways) It took me months to get it over it for the most part. By the time I was ready for the school I had moved to I was in the 3rd grade. Unlike most of the guys I had no sports I could talk about with them. I had to quit baseball, because my sinuseses were to sever for the dustfield to fun to play on and I was on a team; although it was for a rec. team since my school didn't have swimming(elementrary,middle,and high). I had no friends that were girls and only one friend. All the other guys thought I was gay just because of my nice personality alongside no anger. That impression of me to them has stayed that way for years. Regardless of all of the hateful looks, pranks, taunts, name-calling, and etc. I didn't really care. The only thing that bothered me is why did so many people dislike me for practically no reason at all? I've thought about the nerd card a lot...but that doesn't add up well. I hate all forms of school as much as the next guy, I just understand the importance of it and seem no to naturally excel well in grades. In the fifth grade my old stopped being my friend simply because he thought I was lame and was bored of me. I tried as hard as I could to get new friends inbetween 5th and 7th grad I really really did, but I never did get any. In the summer between 7th and 8th grade I was frustrated and spent all day with my formal and (trying as hard to be) cheery outlook on things; and surprisingly to me I acquired many friends from a broad age range due to my deep voice and not caring how old/young other people were. As long as they were polite or at least meant well in their own way I could get along with them. In that summer Xbox LIVE became a haven to me, where people could get along with other similar people with ease and hatred could be avoided easily if you knew how to. Unlike instances instances in real life like work, family, and school everything could've been the way I wanted it in this virtual world...
Then the 8th grade happened. The ony year of school I've ever made an F in school. Most people reading this will point out my gaming addiction from the summer prior. Well, that wasn't the case. I dedicated myself to school just like every other year, but I would get stuck on mathematical formulas a lot since my teacher in class went over a subject(important or not)in about 5-20 minutes as an everyday ritual on weekdays. She didn't really explain anything either, like when we went over algebriac expressions alongside graphs she gave us an example problem said what they were and gave us tons of work over it. The questions required deep understanding of the question, which obviously wasn't given. I had no friends to turn to, my parents would ridicule me for being tutored, my father never gave help because "You need to do your on work, I've already been to school", my mother didn't understand(I don't blame her), and the math teacher never answered my questions;she would just point me to her assistant-mr.bratcher who is a music teacher and has little understanding of algebra in my honest opinion. My parents would lecture me over the year for my bad grade and get mad at me for "not being normal and not playing outside".(When I have no one to play with in my neighborhood, just a bunch of elderly retired people who think poorly of me just because I'm a teenager.) My new friend, Jordan didn't have much similarity with me, but I got along with him since at this point; we both had a deep hatred for the school, but besides that we had very little common interest. Besides a love for Halo,GTA, and Red vs. Blue we were day and night. He was always backlogged with work and enjoyed doing it;I'm lazy. He burst out in anger easily when he's upset;I'm quite withdrawn when it comes to my anger, because of how rude I think it is. He was always trusted by the teachers with work to do, I was never bother with such matters since I'm no handyman. He has little time for his mother and he despises his little brother with a passion, while I love my sister and ecspecially with my mom since she understands the loneliness I feel. Jordan isn't a bad person at all, he just has his perks like every other person on the planet. Toward the end of the school year I had given up on trying to socalize with these people-who had ignored and mocked and ridiculed me to no end. I didn't take my revenge, I saw no point in wasting my time or efforts. I just ignored them 100%. It made me feel better and worse at the same time; I no longer was burdened by stupid rumors and tall-tale myths about me, yet I realized how lonely I was. That was the worst feeling I'd ever felt in my life......I had felt the strongest emotion of joy in what seems like centuries ago-love. I had fallen for a girl I had never met and still haven't due to lack of confidence and meaning. I couldn't help myself from fantasizing about her-suprisingly never sexually, since I knew(and know) I'd never be blessed with a grilfriend and I believe in sex after marriage. Her eyes and her face...oh my god they make me tear up when I think about the beauty of them, even while typing all of this overractive garbage. I will not name her on this rant out of respet and security reasons. I yearn for her, but what'd be the point?
Late on in the swimming team's season year I noticed something that bothered me sincerely-my fellow swimming athletes refused to talk to me, because they thought I was immature and most of them were older than me. While such thought, or line of thinking CAN ve rational it doesn't give you the right to be a total jackass, or at least that's my opinion. I never gave them reeason to think I'm dumb besides me social problems. Why one guy everyone else, but me took seriously honestly thought that the russians while allies with the U.S. are planning to overthrow us(*cough**********cough*) so I just gave up on trying to get along with them after months of trying, I quit also, since I noticed that our team was heavily unorganized by skill. There were only three coaches and they heavily focused on the small children in the team; it'd be understandable if we were given some form of extra thought, but all we got where swimming schedules and that's it. No drills, no pressure, nothing. A waste of time in which I saw my swimming abilities decline. Unsatisfied with everything in my life I turned to yoga and it is amazing! Of course, it can't fill thebeing of friends and accomplishment in school. I don't know if I have any right to be complaining, but it judt feels like I'm not in a life I deserve. I don't care how arrogant, rude, self-obsessed that sounded. It's how I honestly feel. I'm just exhausted and frustrated with everything after al of these years I JUST CAN'T STAND IT.
Sorry, if offended anyone. I'm done having a hissyfit, and I'll go back to the humble company of myself for now.
I don't feel depressed or angry, I'm just tired of the loneliness....
Even-though I am no longer a teen, I can completely understand where you're coming from. I couldn't wait wait to be done with school for the very same reason. I have always been naturally smart, but hated school with a passion. It got to the point to where I stopped caring whether or not people like me. But what I can say is that it will get better. For for the kids at the school and the people on swim team, this will be the best time of there lives and they will be stuck in this time of their life. You however will have moved on to bigger and better things. Try to hold out until graduation. Good luck with everything, and remember that this time of your life is temporary.
Since my question was a bit longe I left that out. Over the school year most of my internet friends took me off their list since I was busy with school and the gossiping got worse about me over the year. I had a breakdown and couldn't help it. Although I will still try to heed your advice since it does have value.
I'm glad things worked for you and hope they do for me aswell. I do agree with you, but I can't go on living this way-(in academics of course)I understand dates, crushes, and all of that is most likely temporarily; but I can't keep on being alone like this. Where my only interaction with other people is to authority or others online? I will keep in mind that this all temporary though; everything balances out in the end.
my suggestion to you as far as making friends and gaining a better social like would to join some sort of student group or club. I'm going to be a sophomore next year and going into highschool i had a social life that almost paralleled yours. that all changed when i joined JROTC. it is a class that fulfills both an elective credit and a PE credit. btw JROTC stands for Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps. the one at my school is modeled after the Navy. but don't jump to conclusion-- it's NOT a military class, training program, or recruiting tool. its a class funded by the department of defense to teach leadership and citizenship to young americans, and what better way to teach leadership than a program modeled after the military! and yes, its modeled after the military-- classes are called platoons, each with two student leaders, cadets (students) are given ranks etc. but this is MILITARY, not BOOT CAMP!! its a very common misconception. we are treated very well, not yelled at and given a millon push ups and stuff. thats boot camp. the only reason the program carries the name JROTC is because there is a college version, ROTC, that is acually designed to train future soldiers. the best part of JROTC is the friendships. we all get VERY close to each other. got a grandpa who's got 'war buddies'? inseparable right? well JROTC builds lifetime bonds between cadets just by the very nature of the program. i feel closer to my fellow cadets then some of my friends that ive known for years! if your school offers this program, i highly suggest you join it. but if not, then join any sort of after school club-- it should yield similar results!
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