babysitting trauma

Ok, this is a situation I'm having, and I just wanted some input from people who aren't directly involved.  So, I was babysitting my two nephews ages 3 and 4 1/2; their parents are going through a divorce and had a custody hearing. The boys are VERY active, and my daughters are more reserved. My kids keep their toys fairly nice and play relatively quietly, while the boys destroy a good 75% of what they play with and are VERY loud and super active.  I knew that going in, and I'm ok with it; they're normal boys.  Anyway, my problem is that when I tell them to stop throwing toys, or not to use the toy strollers as bumper cars, they just keep doing it anyway.  Actually, they don't really listen to much of what I say.  It's more like coralling than babysitting.  And the older boy, when I would correct him because of his behavior, he just said "I don't care." I must have heard that irritating phrase 25 times in the 2 1/2 hours I watched him.  And he bit my daughter, leaving a big bruise, he fought constantly with his brother, once I caught him putting his thumbs in his brother's eyes and squeezing!  And instead of playing with the stuffed animals, he brought his toy guns with him and shot all of the animals the other kids were playing with.  It was sort-of disturbing. My one year old wouldn't get out of my lap all morning; she was petrified!  Anyway, I sort-of gave my sister-in-law the rundown when she got back, but she didn't seem at all concerned.  In fact, she pretty much left in a hurry because she had to get to school, and my mother-in-law stayed to talk to me.... She told me she just spanks him when he acts like that, but I'm not going to do that, so I don't know how to get him to calm down and listen.  My husband always tells me not to watch his sister's kids; he refuses to be here when they're here because of how irritated he gets.  When he found out our nephew bit our daughter and saw the bruise, he called his sister immediately to tell her that her kids weren't welcome here unless she was with them.  (?!!!)  I thought he was being rude and extreme, and apparently his sister did, too, because I then heard him go on to tell her that her kids don't listen and I'm too nice to spank them so they think they can do whatever they want while they're hear.  He told her that they have too many different adults taking care of them in too many different places to know what rules applied where, and that she needed to get some stability in their lives..... She hung up on him.  So NOW, I have a problem, because I'm supposed to take my kids to my mother in law's Saturday to play with their cousins and have dinner.  (My sister in law won't be there; my MIL is picking the boys up from their dad's and they're staying with her until Monday, when my MIL will take them home~50 or miles away~and stay until their dad comes to get them again on Wed. ~They definitely do get passed around a lot, but..... that's not really my business.)  Anyway, my husband isn't going to go, so I have to deal with what he said, and the fact that it really looks like I said it to him before he said it to his sister, which, I DID discuss the kids' behavior with him, but I didn't do it in an accusatory manner, which he took with his sis.  I don't know first of all what I should say, if anything, about the situation, and secondly, how should I handle my nephews while they're playing with my daughters under my supervision?  (which will undoubtedly happen, because my MIL is always so "busy" with cooking or cleaning.... don't get me wrong, she has a gorgeous house; I just think she spends a little too much time on it, especially when she has "her boys")    PLEASE, I know this was long, but I'm open to any comments or suggestions anyone might have!!!   Thanks in advance!

[babygirl6152]

don't know how this will work since the toys belong to you right?

when my boys were little and a toy was fought over or thrown it went bye bye high into a closet where the child could see it but not get to it

Everyone has to take the time to get on the same page with as many of the same rules and CONSEQUENCES that they can for these boys-
Some children do need spanking but if it stings badly enough they won't need spankings very often. Most of the time after a spanking they know you mean business and think twice before they are ugly.
we spanked very little because our children learned to behave.
Look I am not talking about a beating and you don't get upset or emotional at all- some people are dead set against it though.

There are 2 rules it seems I would make for all the grandkids and that is to
obey and respect adults---- they can forget things they can spill milk, then can fart and burp- some things are just silly and not outright disobedience but like you said you were the most hurt when the boy said to you- "I don't care" You knew in your heart when you were little you would have never said anything like that to an adult.
I work in a preschool and I would never spank a child there but with my own I have- and they got a lot better when I did- and it was long term- were the perfect? Heck no! But they improved -
take baby steps pick a few big things you ALL will not tolerate and stick to your consequences-

restriction from tv
time outs
rewards

[newmomma26]

I agree with everything you said.  I guess the big problem is that nobody seems to be on the same page when it comes to my nephews, and most of the adults involved don't want to hear what the others have to say.  Like, the mother won't listen to the dad or grandparents and vice versa, and pretty much nobody cares what I have to say   =)   It doesn't bother me much personally that they don't ask for my parenting advice, but I just wish for the boys' sake that someone would step up and show some real concern.  I don't know if you would think spanking works for THESE kids... let me give you an example of what I saw today. My mil decided 4.5 yr old needed a spanking for trying to poke his lil bro's eyes out, grabbed a belt, and hit him a few times. He starts screaming, she hits him a few more times, and he yells "if you hit me one more time, I'm going to hit you back!!"  I don't know if it's that spanking doesn't work on him, or if it's that the adults are too angry when they do it (and therefore not doing it the right way), but both seem to be the case to me.  I won't spank anyone else's child, because it's clearly possible I MAY not be doing it out of love, but I spank my 2.5 yr old from time to time.  Sending her to her room for a few minutes usually works just as well, though.  I'm on the fence about spanking, just because of what I've read all the experts say about how harmful it can be to self-esteem and parent-child relationship, but I also know the value of a well-timed smack on the butt    =)    

I really agree with those two rules you listed.  I gave two rules to the kids when they came over: No breaking things, and no hurting each other.  I don't care how big of a mess they make or anything else that can be fixed.....  I guess I should mention the respect adults next time though     =)

Thanks for your input!!

[margypops]

This is lack of Parenting skills from what I have read into your post, the children are not to blame they are behaving like that because they have had no bounderies set, as for spanking it is well catalogued that if you spank children they will hit out at other children and their siblings, after all children copy what we do, so when parents complain their children are hitting and fighting the behavior has been learned at home,when there is a lot of wresting' and rough housing ' Dads are often the ones who do this, the children go to school and try to do it to the kids there causing all kinds of out rage from Teachers, yet what are the mixed messages here, at home Mom and Dad say its okay but in other homes or school its not okay, and its okay for Mom and Dad to hit me but I mustnyt hit any one else!! I doubt if childrens minds can understand us most of the time,There should be rules set for these Boys and it should come from the parents , they are enavling and allowing this behavior. I agree with your husband you dont subject your daughter to it you need to say no.

[newmomma26]

It's very sad, but when children aren't at least half-way well behaved, noone wants to watch them or have them over to play.  It's sad because it isn't the kids' fault, but they are the ones who are never invited anywhere.  I love those boys, but my daughters will always be my priority.  I guess I will just have to say no from now on, and hopefully their parents will get the message.  I think my sis-in-law may be in denial; she usually says "Well, they're boys!"  but surely she must have a clue that they have some (maybe mild, but still significant) behavior problems....  It would be a really awkward conversation to tell someone it seems like they should make their kids more of a priority though; I don't think it's really my place, so like I said, I guess I'll just have to say no from now on.....  I thought maybe my husband was just being a little mean, but hearing it from you guys makes me realize their behavior is not normal and I shouldn't subject my kids (or myself!) to it.  Thanks again for your input!!