my unruly 3 yr. old son

My 3 yr. old son is extremly intelligent for his age.  He is very active and extremly curious about everything.  His biological father has not been in the picture since he was 1 yrs. old but about 1 1/2 years ago I married and this is who my son calls dad.  My husband and I have very different views on discipline and I think that this has confused my son.  My husband believes in a more strict approach, he has a VERY firm hand and I believe in "talking it out" as well as giving my son as much comfort as possible when something has gone wrong.  The short of it all is that we have tried everything from tim e outs, to taking his toys away, to spanking.  When we tell my son "no" or don't give him something that he wants he goes into an immediate tantrum... he will kick the door so loud that our neighboors can here him...  he screams to the point that you want to cry yourself.  When I try and talk with him he will quite down but when I leaqve the room again he starts up this behavior again.... he refuses to go into time out.... this morning when he woke up he came into my room and said that he wanted his ice cream from last night.... my husband and I said "no"  he could have his ice cream later but that he needed to eat his breakfast first.  He became extremly defiant and started screaming to the point I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  When he gets like this there is nothing we can do to stop him from his behavior.  I feel bad because I want to take my son out and play but when he acts this way we don't want to "reward" him.  He also hits me when he doesn't get his way.  I am at my wits end.... what should I do????

[drguruncs]

My daughter is turning 4 in 11 days, and let me tell you- it's the exact same way with us. I'd put her in her room for time-outs and she would just CHUCK everything at the door or slam it over and over until the hinges came off the frame. SCREAMING tantrums in the store cuz I took the extra candy from her that she knew she couldn't have, and in turn I end up about to duke it with a cashier who thought I was abusing her!!! JUST from that nasty little tantrum she had! It was ridiculous. It's reverse for us though- my husband is the "talk it out" person and I'm the "lay the law down". My daughter is also extremely smart and curious and I have been at my wit's END and literally broke down more times than I know. My house looks like a PRISON now because of all the key locks, hook locks, flip latchest, etc. So I definitely know where you're coming from. BUT! There IS a silver lining in the storm!!

I enrolled my daughter just a month ago into a preschool. It's $135 a month for 2 days and $170 a month for 3 days a week. Let me tell you- WELL WORTH IT!!!! I have seen SO MUCH improvement it's been amazing. Yes, she still has her little cows at times, but NOTHING compared to just how she was a little over a month ago before starting! It's a Christian school and granted my views are SLIGHTLY different than theirs, the bottom line is it's a better environment and they REALLY help her advance even more. They praise her ALL the time because AT school she is WELL BEHAVED!! (I'm like... AINT THAT SOME S***!!?!?!, LMAO). They said she's the smartest one in their class and will be eligible for advanced placement classes come grade school. Just the type of structure and environment that they provide just does wonders. It's 3 hours a day. Again, this is WELL worth it. It gives them that time needed away from us to feel their independence and it gives us a break. I refuse to place her in Head Start because of hte fact that the Christian school just... it suits her better and brings out her best aspects where as Head Start would do the opposite. So you have to find a good fitting preschool for 3-4 year olds. It's going to be out of pocket but WELL worth it. Keeping them busy is key and she LOVES school and is always SO excited at the end of the weekend because she knows she has school the next day.
She also starts soccer the month school gets out (May), and water sports, etc. and then school, martial arts and hockey in the winter. Go to your local elementary school and the secretary can provide you information for activities for your son's age. They're actually quite cheap too!! Some of the sports even provide all the gear. So definitely look into that. I know the school has made a HUGE difference in her attitude. We are so much more civil with each other and I love knowing I've got my baby girl back and that royally funky tude is OUT THE DOOR!

I wish you the best, and I hope this helped!