sleeping with mom

My daughter is 5 and her mother and I have been divorced for a little over 2 years.  I knew that since we separated my ex-wife had our daughter sleeping with her and I talked with her about it; our daughter had always had her own room since she was an infant and sleeps in her own bed in my house without any difficulties.  Since our daughter started school and her mom refused to switch to a day shift position where she works, our daughter sleeps at her grandparents house 2-3 times a week.

Now I've just found out that she (our daughter) is sleeping with her grandfather on those nights and that my ex-wife has been having "sleep overs" (she calls them) with her boyfriend and having our 5 year old daughter sleep with them.  I'm completely outraged and don't know what I can do.  My daughter trusted me with this information and this is not easy for her; her mother has asked her to keep "secrets" in the past and I've talked with her mother about this only to see my daughter suffer for it.

This seems so wrong to me... I don't want to wait until something happens to my little girl, but don't know what I can do.  Any advise would be very much appreciated.

distraught dad

[Sarah1013]

I completely agree with you about not wanting your daughter sleeping in the bed with other men. And obviously this was bothering your daughter enough for her to tell you something that her mommy told her not to. Have you asked your daughter if anything happened? If not I would suggest maybe just not asking her outright but just talk to her and tell her that if anyone ever touches her in a way that makes her uncomfortable and that she knows isnt right then she needs to tell you no matter what anyone has told her and that no one can hurt her for telling. Speakng of which, you mentioned your daughter suffered from you confronting your ex, what exactly did your ex do to her?

As far as getting the situation changed maybe you should get some legal counsel. I dont know if your case would hold up in court or not because I dont know how seriously they take co-sleeping with non parent adults but it wouldnt hurt to find out.

good luck.

[Diva2317]

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. I do understand that having your daughter sleep next to your baby's mother's new boyfriend would make you uncomfortable, but letting her sleep with her mom and Grandpa isn't a big deal. Co-sleeping is normal. Just talk to her about and try to come to a compromise.

[specialmom]

I think you could also talk to your daughter about it.  Is she trying to tell you that she would prefer not sleeping with these men (Grandpa included, I must say I think that is a little weird. Mom and dad is one thing, but Grandpa?  That is like gratuitously having to sleep with people . . .are there not enough beds in which that isn't a good arangment anyways)?  If that is the case, then she can start to use her words to tell her mother.  "I want my own room, Mommie."  "All my friends sleep by themselves, I want to."  "Mommy, I don't want to sleep with boyfriend".  If asked why, she can tell her mother she doesn't like it and wants to sleep somewhere else.  A mother that refuses to hear this has problems and then I would seek cousel about how to go about changing the situation.  Co-sleeping does happen but not when a child is told to keep it a "secret".  And I wouldn't trust my daughter in this day and age in bed with a man, Grandpa or otherwise as why risk it?  That is just my opinion.   If she were just sleeping with her mom, then I wouldn't worry about it as this is their arrangement.  (although, I think parents have to check themselves at some point and realize that longterm this might be more for them than their child . . .as a friend of mine finally admitted to me.  She sleeps with her two sons and husband.  She finally said, I like it and that is why we do it.  They have a big house and each boy has their own room and go to sleep on their own for their babysitter.  She will move them out of their own beds where they are sleeping just fine to her bed because "she likes sleeping with them".)  Anyway, good luck sir.  Dynamics of split families are certainly hard.  

[Victoria01]

Nothing should ever be a secret. That is the first clue something might be wrong. While I have no problem with co-sleeping, if that is the parents choice, though it wouldn't be mine, anytime a child is asked to keep a secret about something like that, it can be a huge red flag. When I was little I used to love to sleep in my Grandparents' bed, and I find nothing wrong with that, but a mother's boyfriend is just not right in my opinion. I would definitely find a way, legal or otherwise, to rectify this situation and speak, in her terms, with your daughter. Good luck to you, and I hope that we are all just being paranoid and nothing ill has happened. :)

[jb19]

Thank you everyone for your support.
I've taken this time to talk with my daughter about 'good touch, bad touch', something I was just not ready to do but I think it went well.  I also told her she doesn't have to sleep with anyone and she should tell her mother to 'call daddy' if she's told she has to, that I will always be there to help her and to protect her.  There are plenty of rooms, that's not the issue.  Her mother's boyfriend is 21 years older than she is and I worry that this is the beginnings of something very bad.
I've spoken with my daughter's pediatrician and a psychologist and they both agree that this is very wrong... however, they also agree that there is nothing I can do until something terrible happens.  How screwed up is that?

[Ashelen]

I sympathize with you needing to protect your baby girl, and I agree that in this case, the co-sleeping situation is WRONG. Your ex is being terribly irresponsible and selfish, if not worse. Yes she MAY trust this man and think he's alright, but no good mother takes that chance with her baby and some guy she's dating....it's just not right. I'm so sorry that you're stuck waiting and hoping, but did the psychologist suggest confronting your ex about it? Even the grandfather is a little shady...my MIL was molested by her grandfather for years, with her grandmother and mother's knowledge!!! Co-sleeping IS healthy and normal, yes, to a point (my husband and I co-sleep with our toddler, but only occasionally, and we will not after a certain age). This seems way past that point to me and my heart aches for what you must be going through worrying. You could maybe buy her one of those firefly cell phones (they only call a few numbers, pre-programmed) So that she can always have access to call you no matter what? Good luck....I actually read your post a few days ago but I was shaking in anger at how irresponsible and cavalier your ex is being with your precious girl, so I had to cool off before I responded, LOL.

[Sarah1013]

And that is whats wrong with this society. We can't take a child out of a bad situation until something dramatic happens and then the child is already damaged. I'm really sorry you are going through this, I truly am. Is there anything else the mother is doing wrong that would possibly hold up in court?

[Sarah1013]

I also want to add that you should document, document, document. Take note of every little thing thats seems fishy to you along with the date.

[angelkiss9]

Hi,
I cannot imagine what runs through your mind everytime you bring your daughter home, I truly feel for you. This is definitely not a good situation!  I am not sure where you are located but I'm sure where ever it is there is a Family Court building. Go to Family Court and file a petition, which is a brief summery of what is occurring, also ask the court to appoint a legal law guardian to your daughter. The law guardian acts as her attorney and protects her well being. He or she will speak with your daughter in private to find out what is happenning and will also speak with her mother and yourself as well. This is not a matter that can be ignored, she came to you with this information for a reason, she obviously knows something is wrong with this situation. As a parent you have the responsibilty of protecting her, wether she is living with you or not. If she goes to school and tells a teacher what is going on, they will contact Child Protective Services and if CPS finds out that you knew about this and didn't do anything to stop it, they will hold you responsible for neglecting the situation. It is crazy how things can get turned around. Protect your daughter and yourself! I don't want to scare you, I just feel that time is of the essense. I hope I was able to give you some pointers. Good luck!!!