I tried posting this elsewhere on another q&a place but the first answer was extremely rude. I came here because I know that people are not rude (at least wherever I have posted before on here they were not).
First of all I hope I am posting in the correct place. I noticed people who are apparently the ages of 18-26 posting here, so I was not sure if it was for parents who are that age or if it is for parents of 18 - 26 year olds. If I am in the wrong place, please direct me to the correct forum if there is one. (I am a step-mother of a kid who is 18-26).
Here is the deal and it is a long story that I will try to make as short as possible. My step-kid who is UNDER THE AGE of 21 (not mentioning if boy or girl that way no one sees this and knows who this is about - some relatives might belong on here). So, my husband's kid is graduated from school and has a job (doesn't like to work, but who does). As soon as they get paid, they are broke within 2 or 3 days...using money for internet shopping, shopping at the malls and the big one is drinking and partying! Spending the $ for partying for themselves and their friends, pretty much every single night. How we know this is from a very reliable source.
Well, I believe in helping your kids out when they are in a bind and need money. I have no problem with that. However, my husband knowing all this irresponsibilty, says if the kid wants money for alcohol and partying, he is not going to deny them of money, that it is his kid and you are supposed to help your kids. He thinks I am wrong that I don't believe in giving your kids money when they have a job and are irresponsible with their money by using it mostly for partying. Don't get me wrong if I didn't know about the underage drinking, I would probably think it was okay. It is just to me I feel like we are contributing to the drinking and possible consequences of what could result (esp because I am pretty sure they all drink and drive). We have been told by said kid to pretty much stay out of it because they know what they are doing.
So am I wrong, should we tell them no or should we just keep giving up our last dollars to the kid? I know if my kids of my own were doing that and I knew about it, I wouldn't give them money toward what I know was going for alcohol. My husband pretty much wants me to mind my own business when it comes to giving money to his kid. I love this kid with all my heart (even though they don't love me) but I feel they should learn some responsibility. Am I wrong? I know kids should be kids and have fun while you are young. I know my parents helped me out before when I was younger and at times I needed help, but I was not a drinker and partier and I had my own apartment and paid my bills...it is just sometimes things happened. Anyway, he sneeks around me and gives his kid 50 or 100 here and there and doesn't even tell me but I find out. Why he has to do it behind my back and lie about it...when he claims he has no reason to lie to me and that he doesn't believe in lying.
You are in the right forum. It is confusing to people.
Anyway..I have a 19 year old who goes college and who admits to drinking. I do not think our children breaking the law should be supported with our money. I do not think this behavior should be supported verbally either but the truth is they are going to do what they please. However they have to know that there are consequences to their actions. If alcohol is supplied by your son or daughter, paid for by your husband, and something happens to one of these kids....both people in your family can be held responsible. Find some articles where kids got behind the wheel drunk and killed their friends and show your son or daughter what happens...jail time perhaps for the rest of their life. I use these articles all the time.
Also your step child needs to learn money management. If you cannot afford it..you don't buy it. No credit cards that are not paid off at the end of each month. Yes we do support our son who does work and is saving money for college. But that is for something like clothes or gas money.
I agree with you and I think there could be trouble down the road. This is why my son has no car at college and won't have one for the foreseeable future. Hopefully I have helped but if you have any other questions, let me know. We are all here to support each other.
Thanks! He lied to me & he gave his kid $$ last night and as always (but that us for another forum - our troubles) puts me down & then says he didn't but if he did that its his kid and he will never say no. It's supposed to be our money and bc of issues it cut into our bill money & he was going to have to take from my dr bill $ for other bills bc of that. I don't mind helping the kid and I have before myself but you know what I said about it.
Anyway, I will look up a few articles and print off. Thanks for the suggestion.
Regarding the sneaking around your back to give money to his child, it's probably time to do a budget and come to agreement on it, and to divide the bills and responsibility for them, so your husband must pay certain bills and you must pay others, and he can see what he is expected to pay for by the end of the month when he's tempted to slip his child some cash.
A working couple should definitely each have a small fund of their own (no matter how tiny) out of their paychecks that they don't have to answer to their spouse about. He probably didn't fess up to giving his son money because he knows that all you'll do is scold him. You might re-think that approach, since if he feels that way he'll just be all the less likely to ever want to discuss anything rational about money with you, like, budgeting. He'll feel like you're being his mother, instead of his partner, if you badger him about his choices.
Anyway, if he does have his little fund and uses it up by giving to his child, tell yourself that maybe the kid used it for something practical and used his *own* money for the irresponsible drinking. (Not that you'll believe it, but it might take the edge off your irritation.) If the kid drinks, I am very sorry for all reasons, but don't let his behavior derail your marriage. Your marriage is more important to you than anything this child does.
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