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Parenting (Expert Forum)
7 year old son's behavior problems.
Answered by
Rebecca Resnik, PsyD - Parenting Instruction, Developmental Disabilities, Psychological Assessment
MindWell Clinical Psychology
Chantilly - VA
Questions in the Parenting Forum are being answered by doctors from MindWorks. Topics include: Behavioral Issues - Discipline, Emotional Development, Family Issues, Recreation, School Issues, Social Development
7 year old son's behavior problems.
by wendy81, Nov 23, 2008 02:58PM
My son is 7, (8 in Dec) and for the last few years, when he is told off for something he has done wrong or is naughty, he usually either gets sent to his room or put in the naughty corner, but he doesn't go to either place without a huge fight.
We tell him to go to his room, his usual answer is "NO", so we tell him again, still NO, then we count to 5, still NO, so one of us will pick him up - if he refuses to walk to his room or naughty corner - we put him there, he will run away, and he goes MAD, he kicks, punches, bites, scratches us tells us he "hates us" etc... when we try to put him back.
But the problem is, he WONT stay in his room or the naughty corner.
Everytime we try, he runs away and slams the doors so hard the house shakes, and laughs at us.
If we tell him to go do something, like get dressed for school as an example, if he doesn't want to, he goes into another rage like this, hitting out, throwing toys at us or at the doors, screaming at us or me, or his 2 yr old brother too.
It is like talking to a brick wall at times, we can ask him things several times and he just doesn't hear us, his hearing tests are all up to date so its not that.
Everyday is a battle about something or other, if he is told he cant have something he will cry, scream shout hit and hurt us, me his step dad and his 2 yr old brother.
If we restrain him from hurting us he goes more mad.
He wont stay in his room so sometimes we have to pick him up to get him back in there then he goes even wilder at us.
He is like a wild animal at times, throwing toys at us, really going mad in his room.
it takes ages to get throught to him, then getting an apology is another battle.
I am begining to dread every day with him, just beacause if the fighting and shouting, its all so unnessesary he just doesnt seem to understand our points about having to do things, like getting dressed, having a wash, helping me pick things up, tidying his room.
Why?
PLEASE HELP!
We tell him to go to his room, his usual answer is "NO", so we tell him again, still NO, then we count to 5, still NO, so one of us will pick him up - if he refuses to walk to his room or naughty corner - we put him there, he will run away, and he goes MAD, he kicks, punches, bites, scratches us tells us he "hates us" etc... when we try to put him back.
But the problem is, he WONT stay in his room or the naughty corner.
Everytime we try, he runs away and slams the doors so hard the house shakes, and laughs at us.
If we tell him to go do something, like get dressed for school as an example, if he doesn't want to, he goes into another rage like this, hitting out, throwing toys at us or at the doors, screaming at us or me, or his 2 yr old brother too.
It is like talking to a brick wall at times, we can ask him things several times and he just doesn't hear us, his hearing tests are all up to date so its not that.
Everyday is a battle about something or other, if he is told he cant have something he will cry, scream shout hit and hurt us, me his step dad and his 2 yr old brother.
If we restrain him from hurting us he goes more mad.
He wont stay in his room so sometimes we have to pick him up to get him back in there then he goes even wilder at us.
He is like a wild animal at times, throwing toys at us, really going mad in his room.
it takes ages to get throught to him, then getting an apology is another battle.
I am begining to dread every day with him, just beacause if the fighting and shouting, its all so unnessesary he just doesnt seem to understand our points about having to do things, like getting dressed, having a wash, helping me pick things up, tidying his room.
Why?
PLEASE HELP!
Doctor's Answer
by Rebecca Resnik, PsyD, Nov 24, 2008 11:52AM
, Nov 24, 2008 11:52AMTo: wendy81
Your son is just the right age to have lots of questions about his father and many intense feelings about why he is not around. Kids imaginations often run away with them regarding why they do not have contact with one of their parents. Usually they imagine that it was their fault because they did something wrong, and that feeling of rejection is terribly painful. He may also imagine that you are to 'blame' for his loss of his father. Though they may have explained things to him during the court proceedings, he is really to young to understand what happened. Going to court is very traumatic for children (and adults too!).
Given this extra piece of information, I would seek psychotherapy for him to help him cope with the loss of his father. Step parents are wonderful, but can never replace a biological parent in a child's mind. The book Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Afraid To Ask About divorce is a great resource for talking to your son about his father. Your son does need to hear about his father, though not the full extend of the horrible truth. He needs to hear the message that he is a wonderful kid and his father is not able to be a parent to him. Make sure he knows that it is a great shame his dad is missing out on being part of his life, but let him know that it is in no way his fault. The movie Parenthood deals with this topic of boys and fathers who are not interested in parenting, and you might get some ideas for how to talk to your son from it.
Best Wishes
Rebecca
Given this extra piece of information, I would seek psychotherapy for him to help him cope with the loss of his father. Step parents are wonderful, but can never replace a biological parent in a child's mind. The book Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Afraid To Ask About divorce is a great resource for talking to your son about his father. Your son does need to hear about his father, though not the full extend of the horrible truth. He needs to hear the message that he is a wonderful kid and his father is not able to be a parent to him. Make sure he knows that it is a great shame his dad is missing out on being part of his life, but let him know that it is in no way his fault. The movie Parenthood deals with this topic of boys and fathers who are not interested in parenting, and you might get some ideas for how to talk to your son from it.
Best Wishes
Rebecca
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I have no doubt that you are extremely exhausted at having to cope with this level of defiance and aggression. It is very telling when a mother gets to the point that she dreads time with her own child, though those feelings are a natural response to someone who is so provocative. Your son's behavior as you describe it is well outside of the norm for a boy his age, but you have options for how to get the behavior under control and repair your relationship with him.
Kids feel miserable about themselves when they are this out of control. He really needs you to be able to help him 'put on the breaks' because he can not do it himself. As to why this is happening, I notice you did not mention his relationship (or lack of one) with his biological father, and I wonder if that does not have something to do with his level of frustration?
In cases where behavior is this difficult to manage, I recommend you ask your pediatrician for a referral to a psychologist. A psychologist can determine if your son should have a formal assessment to determine if your son has a mood disorder or behavioral disorder such as ADHD. The psychologist can then teach you how to manage your son's behavior through positive means. It will not happen overnight, but if you and your husband are willing to try new things and stick with it, you should see some positive changes in a month or so. The psychologist can also work with your son to help him learn to cope with and understand his anger.
In the meantime, I have a couple of books that can help. The first one to get is called The Kazdin Method by Dr. Alan Kazdin, and the second is called The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene. They are both easy to read and give very practical advice for how to make changes right away. Dr. Kazdin's book has a section on how to apply time out that includes practicing it with the child and rewarding him for willingly going to time out. It may sound strange but it really works.
Finally, I would also recommend to you that you find some time to give yourself a break from your son. I imagine that it is hard to find a sitter or daycare, but if you can, make sure you find time to re-charge your own resources so you have the energy to help your child. You can not help him much if you are exhausted yourself.
Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik
Disclaimer: This Medhelp post is written for informational purposes only. It is never intended to replace face-to-face medical or psychological care. This Medhelp post is not intended to create a patient-clinician relationship, nor to give or rule-out a diagnosis.
Yes, about his biological father, he stopped seeing my son when he left when he was 2, 5 years ago.
And he tried to take me to court for contact with my son, but due to the level of violence i endured whilst with him, the court refused, as he couldn't keep up his appointments with the domestic violence groups hewas ordered to attend.
Ryan was upset by all the court cases, as he had to know about it as the court ordered me to take him to CAFCASS to assess him.
He seems ok now about it as he does see his father's mother (nanny) every fortnight but no form of contact with the dad.
HE has a good father/son relationship with my finace who ha sbeen his father figure since he was 3 yrs old, so there are no obvious problems about his biological dad, although it must have had some sort of impact on him.
Thanks for your advise, i will get an app with my GP, do i see the GP on my own first then tell them about it? or with ryan there? many thanks