angry stepson

Actually he is my fiances son and we are not married, but we do live together. The child is 10 years old and is moody to the extreme of being violent at times for no apparent reason towards me and makes up stories of things I said or done to him and tells his dad and anyone that will listen to him. He announces at the dinner table quite often that he hates me and I need to "burn in hell"...among other vulger comments. I have tryed to do alone time with him and take him to do fun things and all he seems to talk about is how he thinks his dad is a jerk! I think hes trying to play me to turn against his dad.. Anyway it is embarrissing to me that he tells storys about how bad he has it with me to others, the people always let me know what he has said, because they know better, and I feel like his father is not disaplining him enough. He nevers makes him apoligize or even sends him to his room. I dont know what to do or how to handle it. I feel as though the best thing is to leave and let him be with his dad. I also feel like his dad will never marry me because of it. My heart is broken....

[Rebecca Resnik, PsyD]

Hello,
   Like regular parenting,step parenting is very hard work. It frequently offers little reward for all of the effort and sacrifices on behalf of the child.You are not alone. It seems that there are two issues here, and one is that the boy very much needs limits set on his behavior. When children treat other people that badly, it shows how angry and unhappy they are. Children who are permitted to be as mean as you describe often feel terrible about themselves and lose respect for their parents. It is in the boy's best interest that he learn better ways of behaving when he feels angry.

The second issue is that your husband-to-be is the one who can best improve this situation. It is not your role to discipline his child, that should be the job of the biological parent. You have a right to be treated civilly in your own home and to have respectful treatment from the boy. Many divorced parents feel so guilty about having divorced that they become overly permissive or stop disciplining altogether. Your husband-to-be may not know what to do to or how important it is to you that he make some changes.

You can get help by asking your pediatrician for a referral to a psychologist who can offer parent management training (it may also be called parent effectiveness training, parent guidance or behavior modification). You and the boy's father can learn to change the unwanted behavior. It sounds like this child could also use some individual therapy to help him learn better ways of coping with his anger. I also recommend you get a copy of Dr. Alan Kazdin's book, The Kazdin Method. This book is an excellent guide to changing behavior through positive means that are well supported by research. Also check out the book The Enlightened Stepmother and the website www.steptogether.org for some moral support.

Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik

Disclaimer: The information is this post if for informational purposes only. It is never intended to substitute for face-to-face treatment from an appropriate clinician. The information is this post is neither intended to create a patient-clinician relationship, nor to offer or rule-out a diagnosis.