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Parenting (Expert Forum)
making time for boyfriend's daughter and myself as well
Answered by
Rebecca Resnik, PsyD - Parenting Instruction, Developmental Disabilities, Psychological Assessment
MindWell Clinical Psychology
Chantilly - VA
Questions in the Parenting Forum are being answered by doctors from MindWorks. Topics include: Behavioral Issues - Discipline, Emotional Development, Family Issues, Recreation, School Issues, Social Development
making time for boyfriend's daughter and myself as well
by Toro77, Dec 02, 2008 10:45AM
Hi,
My boyfriend has been living with me for six months. He has a six-year-old daughter and has custody of her every other weekend. She is sweet and we get along very well.
I have never been a mom (my boyfriend and I are both 49) and I am not used to being around children. But I have enjoyed having a child in my life.
My problem is that I also am used to doing things on my own, and when my boyfriend's daughter (let's call her Lucy) is here all weekend, I feel pressured to spend most of my time with her. I am an artist who has another full-time job, and I use the weekends to work on my paintings. which is very valuable time to me. My studio is in the backyard of my house. I would like to be able to paint 4-6 hours each day on the weekends that Lucy is there and also spend time with her, without feeling pressured or guilty about either activity. Lucy is quite fascinated that I'm an artist, and I think that is cool, but I find it hard to balance being alone so I can paint with sharing time with her and encouraging her to paint and be creative, too. For example, when I'm in the studio, she comes and knocks on the door and wants to paint with me, and I don't want to be interrupted, but don't want to be harsh about it. So I usually let her interrupt me, but then feel resentful about it, which isn't fair to her.
I feel critical of my boyfriend, because, though I think he's a good dad and Lucy and he get along really well, in my opinion, he tends not to be as engaged with her as I'd like. It seems to me that his main way of keeping her entertained is asking her if she wants to watch videos or play on the computer. He doesn't take her to the park, children's museum, or anything away from the house. I wonder if I'm expecting too much of my boyfriend for wishing he'd do more things like that with her and less videos and computer games. It would make it easier for me to relax if he'd interact with her more as well.
So, any advice or opinions are welcome!
My boyfriend has been living with me for six months. He has a six-year-old daughter and has custody of her every other weekend. She is sweet and we get along very well.
I have never been a mom (my boyfriend and I are both 49) and I am not used to being around children. But I have enjoyed having a child in my life.
My problem is that I also am used to doing things on my own, and when my boyfriend's daughter (let's call her Lucy) is here all weekend, I feel pressured to spend most of my time with her. I am an artist who has another full-time job, and I use the weekends to work on my paintings. which is very valuable time to me. My studio is in the backyard of my house. I would like to be able to paint 4-6 hours each day on the weekends that Lucy is there and also spend time with her, without feeling pressured or guilty about either activity. Lucy is quite fascinated that I'm an artist, and I think that is cool, but I find it hard to balance being alone so I can paint with sharing time with her and encouraging her to paint and be creative, too. For example, when I'm in the studio, she comes and knocks on the door and wants to paint with me, and I don't want to be interrupted, but don't want to be harsh about it. So I usually let her interrupt me, but then feel resentful about it, which isn't fair to her.
I feel critical of my boyfriend, because, though I think he's a good dad and Lucy and he get along really well, in my opinion, he tends not to be as engaged with her as I'd like. It seems to me that his main way of keeping her entertained is asking her if she wants to watch videos or play on the computer. He doesn't take her to the park, children's museum, or anything away from the house. I wonder if I'm expecting too much of my boyfriend for wishing he'd do more things like that with her and less videos and computer games. It would make it easier for me to relax if he'd interact with her more as well.
So, any advice or opinions are welcome!
Doctor's Answer
by Rebecca Resnik, PsyD, Dec 02, 2008 12:11PM
, Dec 02, 2008 12:11PMTo: Toro77
Hello,
I hear similar stories from stepmothers--that once they join the household they feel pressure to assume a larger parenting and housekeeping role beyond what they expected (as I stepmother myself, I can tell you its never what you anticipated). For some fathers, there is a tendency to abdicate parenting responsibility to the adult female in the house. This is often the division of labor in households across the world, and I suppose some men just do not question that the woman will just naturally take on the job. Unfortunately, this plan does not work as well when its not the woman's biological child.
You sound like you have a very clear sense of what you want, and it is good to be so grounded when taking on a role transition like stepmothering. The problems you are having seem to have nothing to do with this little girl at all, but rather with your spouse. I can certainly understand the child's perspective, why on earth would she want to watch tv alone when there is a nice lady with exciting paints who will play with her? It is sad that your husband is not engaging with his daughter, because from what you describe she is craving attention (and still at an age where she needs lots of it).
I believe that for fathers with every other weekend custody, the parent-child relationship can suffer from a lack of day to day contact, affection, and involvement in the child's life. Every other weekend is so hard on dads and kids that they sometimes pull back from a deep attachment with the child. Conversely, your spouse may not like to play with children, or may not have much idea of how to go about it. If needed, a psychologist can provide 'dyadic' therapy to help the two of them become closer.
Your complaint is an issue best taken up with your husband, as he is the child's biological parent. She is not your primary responsibility. If her intruding on your painting time is making you resentful, pay attention to that, because it can sour your relationship with her and your spouse. Your feeling resentful will make everyone in the household miserable, so it makes sense to defend your time. Let your spouse know how important this is to you and go seek couples therapy for problem solving if needed. Second marriages with children are more difficult, and therapy even more important because children are involved.
As far as helping the girl, I would let the child know gently when you will be available for playing--show her a clock as needed. Ask her to choose what you will do together after your painting, and my guess is that once you have had your time you will be able to enjoy your time together in a way that you would not have if she intruded and you 'gave-in.' Check out the books The Enlightened Stepmother and How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk for more help with day to day issues.
Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik
Disclaimer: The information in this Medhelp Post is for informational purposes only. It is never intended to replace face-to-face psychological or medical care. This Medhelp post is not intended to create a patient-clinician relationship, nor to give or rule-out a diagnosis.
I hear similar stories from stepmothers--that once they join the household they feel pressure to assume a larger parenting and housekeeping role beyond what they expected (as I stepmother myself, I can tell you its never what you anticipated). For some fathers, there is a tendency to abdicate parenting responsibility to the adult female in the house. This is often the division of labor in households across the world, and I suppose some men just do not question that the woman will just naturally take on the job. Unfortunately, this plan does not work as well when its not the woman's biological child.
You sound like you have a very clear sense of what you want, and it is good to be so grounded when taking on a role transition like stepmothering. The problems you are having seem to have nothing to do with this little girl at all, but rather with your spouse. I can certainly understand the child's perspective, why on earth would she want to watch tv alone when there is a nice lady with exciting paints who will play with her? It is sad that your husband is not engaging with his daughter, because from what you describe she is craving attention (and still at an age where she needs lots of it).
I believe that for fathers with every other weekend custody, the parent-child relationship can suffer from a lack of day to day contact, affection, and involvement in the child's life. Every other weekend is so hard on dads and kids that they sometimes pull back from a deep attachment with the child. Conversely, your spouse may not like to play with children, or may not have much idea of how to go about it. If needed, a psychologist can provide 'dyadic' therapy to help the two of them become closer.
Your complaint is an issue best taken up with your husband, as he is the child's biological parent. She is not your primary responsibility. If her intruding on your painting time is making you resentful, pay attention to that, because it can sour your relationship with her and your spouse. Your feeling resentful will make everyone in the household miserable, so it makes sense to defend your time. Let your spouse know how important this is to you and go seek couples therapy for problem solving if needed. Second marriages with children are more difficult, and therapy even more important because children are involved.
As far as helping the girl, I would let the child know gently when you will be available for playing--show her a clock as needed. Ask her to choose what you will do together after your painting, and my guess is that once you have had your time you will be able to enjoy your time together in a way that you would not have if she intruded and you 'gave-in.' Check out the books The Enlightened Stepmother and How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk for more help with day to day issues.
Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik
Disclaimer: The information in this Medhelp Post is for informational purposes only. It is never intended to replace face-to-face psychological or medical care. This Medhelp post is not intended to create a patient-clinician relationship, nor to give or rule-out a diagnosis.
