Unreasonable child visitation and the affect on infant

[Annilicious]

Hello,

I was just served by the father of my unborn child (I am due on 11/16) regarding child support and custody.  He is seeking an unreasonable visitation schedule that I feel will greatly affect my child's mental and emotional development in a very negative way.  It is obvious he does not have the child's well being in mind.  I hope that no judge in their right mind would allow this.  I am seeking your professional advice on how the visitation he is seeking below will affect a baby:

a. 2 Consecutive hours per day for the child's first month.
b. 2 Consecutive hours per day for the second through fourth  months
c. 4 Consecutive hours per day from months five through nine
d. Overnights starting in month 10 based on a 2/2/3 schedule.

Thank you in advance for your reply.

[specialmom]

Hm,  I will say that I never fed my two breast fed babies on demand.  I had them on a breast feeding schedule of every two hours minimum in the begining and then longer stretches after a couple of weeks.  Just thought I'd throw that in for our new mom.  My kids never ate on demand or maybe they did but they never demanded it in increments that weren't predictable.  I did the old trying to keep them up while they ate (don't let them doze while eating . . .  tickle their feet, blow on their face, jiggle a little bit so that they take in a good feeding each time).  

I just didn't want to scare a mom that she is a feeding source 24/7.  They usually do eat on a schedule.  '

I just hope that maybe they can amicably work it out so that dad can get to know and be with the baby frequently within the boundary of letting mom feel comfortable.

heck, some infants go off to daycare for the entire day at 6 weeks or before.  (not that I think that is ideal either).  good luck

[Ecologic]

I find this schedule totally crazy. Is he trying to see his child... Or to get back at you?

You have doubts that he will be able to take care of a baby: make sure the judge hears you.

Make sure to mention you will be breastfeeding: there is no schedule when breastfeeding and you should not be expected to pump with a newborn, at least not at first = you always need to be present to feed him on demand.

[specialmom]

Ugh, I feel for you dear.  I will tell you something that I maybe knew but did not internalize prior to having my sons.  Everything becomes about their best interest once they are born.  Everything that seems inconvenient or hard for me to do----  well, I became super woman trying to get it done for my kids sake.  They matter most.

I think that what I'd do is have in your mind that for your child's sake----  you really want this father to establish a bond with the child and the child with the father.  This is so important as every kid wants to have a mom and a dad.

But I understand the utter fear as well that someone might not be able to adequately handle a newborn.  

so reconciling these two things will be your goal.  How can you make sure that he is with the baby a lot (even inconveniently so) but have your feelings that the baby is safe and well cared for as well.  

Perhaps the answer is that the visits take place in your home.  You go take a nap or do your laundry or whatever while he is with the baby.  (that really could be win win as I remember wanting a bit of down time when I had my two boys.)  

Maybe you can reach out to his parents as well, the grandparents.  

You just have to make this work.  For the baby's sake.

I certainly understand a broad range of feelings and many negative ones since he served you unexpectedly.  But some fathers just walk away without looking back at the child they made.  He is asking to be close to his child.  There is something 'right' about that.  Just work with him and make it happen in a way that you can live with.  Peace

[adgal]

This is such a tough situation, and I can't imagine the stress. I'm sorry that such a happy exciting time is being made so difficult for you.

The thing is, it really is in the best interest of the baby to have a strong relationship with both parents.  At this point, the absolute best thing the two of you can do is try to sit down, put your own differences aside and come up with a plan that works best for both of you.  He does have a right to bond and be with his child.  And trust me, this is a far better situation then having the babies father want nothing to do with them, be unwilling to support them and be unwilling to parent them.  Even though the schedule may require some work on the part of the two of you, at the end of the day, this baby will benefit from having two parents that love him or her.    I wish you well.

[margypops]

I totally see your position , makes no sense he would not take a baby care class, ..we do have a expert/doctor forum on MH maybe able to help you go back to the forums page and look on the right .It will be under child behavior but the doctor there is very good .

[Annilicious]

It is obvious by the visitation hours he is requesting that he does not have the child's welfare in mind.  

I was cordial until I was blindsided by being served.  

[Annilicious]

I'm definitely open to a reasonable visitation.  We are not on good terms, especially after he blindsided me by having me served.  If that wasn't done, then I would not have minded having him in my home.  He is a 26 year old that has not taken the baby care class that I has asked him to take, he is emotionally unstable, and I just don't trust him alone with the baby.  I don't mind him taking the baby for less than 2 hour increments, but daily is very inconvenient since I will be with my family 2 hours away.  I really wanted a medical professional's opinion to what they thought of his visitation request and how it would affect the infant's development to be taken away from the primary caregiver (and I will be purely breastfeeding) for frequent and long periods of time.  I totally understand the child's needs to bond with their father, but newborns need to be with their mother and not be away as much as he is requesting.

And yes, it is sad that this child is being fought over before he is born.  Imagine being me, served 2 weeks before my due date after we already agreed to mediation.  

[margypops]

I see you state he does not have the childs welfare in mind, can you enlighten us as to why , is there any reason you would say this ..I also believe newborns are best with their mom ..maybe he could see the child whilst in your care .

[specialmom]

Adgal, I agree with you.  That was what I was trying to say in my post which I definately didn't put into words in a great way like you did.  Yes, I agree.

[adgal]

I see this a tad bit different I guess.  My husband is and always has been a very hands on dad, and to me, seeing your child 2 then 4 hours, etc a day onward is not unreasonable.  As dad, he has as much right to be and bond with the child as mom does.  The perfect scenario would be the two of you being able to sit down and work things through to the point that you are able to co parent in a way that is best for the child.  A child's bond with his or her father is crucial if possible and I can understand where he is coming from.  2 hours a day shouldn't even impact the babies feeding or sleeping schedule if he is flexible with what hours a day they are.  Just my opinion.

[margypops]

That is a point he does want to be involved and provide so maybe ask for better hours especially whilst baby is so young .

[alissahann18]

I think the schedule is horrendous, but at least he wants to be involved.

[specialmom]

Hi there,  well, it is so sad that the poor child is being fought over even before being born.  The truth of the matter is that both parents need to be a part of a babies life and bond with the baby.  I really believe that this is in the best interest of the child.  It would be very hard to give up my time with my newborn but then you think of a parent that would only have the opportunity to bond with that child in small doses.  This person is asking to be a part of the child's life and I'd encourage that as it is in the best interest that a child have both parents care for them and want to be a parent to them.  (unless they are abusive or dangerous in any way, that is totally different).  

I don't know what the circumstances are of the split or if there is any hope that the two of you could be cordial and work some things off.  Perhaps he can come to your place and sit with the new born baby for a period of time while you rest.  I know of this exact situation occuring in a couple that broke up when their child was just first home from the hospital.  

I definately feel for you.  Babies need their mama.  It would be very very hard for me to let go.

I think your only recourse is to speak to your lawyer and see what is typical in your state and go for that type of arrangement.  But I do encourage you to think in terms of promoting a very tight and close bond between your child and their father too.  Try to stay amicable with your ex to help facilitate this.  good luck

[margypops]

I agree with you this seems unreasonable especially as the child is so young and does need the mom, I think speaking to a lawyer would be the best idea

[AnnieBrooke]

Talk to a lawyer about what rights the father has to request any of this.  If you two are not married, he might not have any rights if you are willing to give up on demands for child support, and of course that is a lot of visitation for a baby so young, especially in winter.  Of course, loss of child support would be a high price to pay (and maybe he is putting up this list in order to force you to give up the demands for child support).  He might also find the list pretty burdensome, if it really happened.  You could also request that it be supervised visitation, given how young the baby would be.  An infant can't be away from its mother very long, you would want to be with the baby at all times.  TALK TO YOUR LAWYER.  You can't guess on this stuff.