I started to have suicidal feelings again. Since it began PATM never left me except for some short periods of time, when I'm in really good mood and calm (being excited f*@# things up). This is a very heavy burden, and sometimes when I have another problems in life it gets unbearable. I'm not strong enough for this. I've told about this to some people who make fun of me, and say to me I should get embarassed of being depressed with such stupid things, that there are people starving, people really sick. But it's getting me to the limit. Although I know people suffer a lot more physical pain than I do, my emotional pain take me to the limits of sanity! I don't want to go crazy. I 've tried everything, I don't eat meat anymore, still take some milk but a lot less, eat a lot of vegetable, try never eat indrustrialized food, take vitamin supplements etc. Why I cant have a normal life? I'm so tired, my face is tired, i'm looking awful. Sometimes my mood improves and I look good again, but it only take one stressing day and everything is terrible again. What have I done to deserve this? I'm not a bad person, maybe I have some defects, but who doesn't. I may be a little vain sometimes, but god I think about everything I buy, I'm not consumerist, I only care about my looks related to good health. I feel I have poor health, poor energy, although I never get really sick. I have negative thoughts, I always had bad thoughts about myself, but now, sometimes I have really bad thoughts about other people, this thing is getting me insane, sometimes I think about killing everybody in my job, or in my college, whenever I hear people coughing I get really mad. Some time before I used to feel sad and depressed, now I feel anger, a lot of anger, I could really kill this people, I hate even small children if they cough near me! Please I don't want to make a nonsense, what's happening with me, I'm not a psycopath, I want to help people, always wanted to help people get better lives, not to suffer so much, I'm studying for that, but what? how can I try
helping people if I want to kill them sometimes? I get paranoid and think that they are coughing because they hate me, and keep trying to figure out what have I done to people hate me so much, why? I think that they can hear my thoughts, and that it's linked someway to what I think. I'm very aware of my thoughts, trying to control everything that passes thru my mind. I'm trying meditation, mantras, etc, but nothing really cures me.
I just needed to vent. I have this curse since 2008. :(
I know exactly what u mean. I have had this same disorder for the better half of my life, and some days it becomes bearable but others, it just makes me feel extremely depressed and to be honest pissed off. I hate it when people start to cough or sneeze near me because I feel its a sign of them thinking im insuperior or just them being rude. I have to face this everyday in class and at home with my own family. Sometimes i want them to shut up and I feel like saying it loudly just to vent myself. As i type at this moment i can hear my father cclearing his throught loudly right now. It gets me so pissed and I feel like noone understands. I dont know if PATM is related to my eating habits, and since im 16; maybe puberty? It's really hard to tell and I have been taking so much time out of my life to solve this. I'm just glad that I'm not the only one that feels this way, because before even finding out that there is a community of people like the condition that I have, I thought i was either very lost or just alone.... Keep in mind that I take showers every day and I apply deoderant profusely, but of course, it doesnt work. Like you, I am also one of the kindest person to others, and even though Im becoming more social and somewhat happier throught highschool, this is just one ailment that holds me back so much and just adds depression and anger....
You have to understand WHY people are doing it to realise it's not as bad as you think.
you mention when you're highly anxious, in your thoughts and down around people you get them . When people cough they're 'suggesting' you're much too aware of yourself it's almost uncomfortable for everybody .
People can't read your thoughts but you need to be much more conscious of what you're thinking, because it transmits directly to your psychology and your body language.
Also remember not everybody is coughing around your awkward appearance, just maybe one or two people - and they're merely suggesting there's no need to be so self conscious.
Try to avoid thinking about yourself (self consciously) and blaming the public - this comes across a little repellant because we're non- submissive and nervous/ aggressive cos we feel so threatened (which opens us up to people finding us repellant or opens us up to attack)
There is a cure, it's called distraction techniqes and going to see a doctor about acute stress disorder or general anxiety disorder.
The coughs are a result of our anxiety around people causing us to give off awkward vibes.
If you're around people who have caught on that it effects you and then do it deliberately (in your moments of calm etc) then get away from these people. They're using something ridiculous to hurt you.. and your mental health's not worth that.
Cure - see a doctor about anxiety and depression.
Work on beng calm and positive.. being positive about yourself and others.
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