I started to have suicidal feelings again. Since it began PATM never left me except for some short periods of time, when I'm in really good mood and calm (being excited f*@# things up). This is a very heavy burden, and sometimes when I have another problems in life it gets unbearable. I'm not strong enough for this. I've told about this to some people who make fun of me, and say to me I should get embarassed of being depressed with such stupid things, that there are people starving, people really sick. But it's getting me to the limit. Although I know people suffer a lot more physical pain than I do, my emotional pain take me to the limits of sanity! I don't want to go crazy. I 've tried everything, I don't eat meat anymore, still take some milk but a lot less, eat a lot of vegetable, try never eat indrustrialized food, take vitamin supplements etc. Why I cant have a normal life? I'm so tired, my face is tired, i'm looking awful. Sometimes my mood improves and I look good again, but it only take one stressing day and everything is terrible again. What have I done to deserve this? I'm not a bad person, maybe I have some defects, but who doesn't. I may be a little vain sometimes, but god I think about everything I buy, I'm not consumerist, I only care about my looks related to good health. I feel I have poor health, poor energy, although I never get really sick. I have negative thoughts, I always had bad thoughts about myself, but now, sometimes I have really bad thoughts about other people, this thing is getting me insane, sometimes I think about killing everybody in my job, or in my college, whenever I hear people coughing I get really mad. Some time before I used to feel sad and depressed, now I feel anger, a lot of anger, I could really kill this people, I hate even small children if they cough near me! Please I don't want to make a nonsense, what's happening with me, I'm not a psycopath, I want to help people, always wanted to help people get better lives, not to suffer so much, I'm studying for that, but what? how can I try
helping people if I want to kill them sometimes? I get paranoid and think that they are coughing because they hate me, and keep trying to figure out what have I done to people hate me so much, why? I think that they can hear my thoughts, and that it's linked someway to what I think. I'm very aware of my thoughts, trying to control everything that passes thru my mind. I'm trying meditation, mantras, etc, but nothing really cures me.
I just needed to vent. I have this curse since 2008. :(