Dont know where to turn

[Midnight101]

I was molested by my brother at the age of 12, and I told my mother who did nothing, she was mentally and physically abusive to me as was my brother - I ran away to the city at the age of 17 after high school and moved in with a man, I was looking for love, all he did was physically, mentally and sexually abuse me. I was raped repeatedly in the 8 years I was with him. He would tie me up and anally raped me as would his friends. I tried to get away times and I moved many times - but he was friends with my brother so he always find me. He would beat up my family if I did not return. When my family moved away I left with the clothes on my back and got my own apartment and told no one. One night I was feeling like I was having a heart attack as I was having all the flashbacks of the abuse and I called the ambulance - turns out I was having a panic attack, but at this time the doctor told me I was ten weeks pregnant, and I started screaming get it out of me. I talked to the doctor and told him that I was raped and I wanted a abortion. He was caring and scheduled the abortion for the next day.
Was in several other abusive relationships, same thing lots of physical, mental and sexual abuse so I ended them.
Finally started seeing a caring man and we have been together now 11 years. He knows nothing of my past and he never will.
Things were going ok for the most part, although for my whole life I had much anger in me, and still have it. My dad passed away in Feb. 2008 and I totally had a tough time. I started drinking and taking any pills that  I could find to ease the pain. I was not going to work, was not functioning, was getting into fights with my husband. On route to the liquor store one day I stopped at my husbands doctor who has been so kind to him and me. I asked to see him even though he was not taking any new patients I begged to see him. I had been crying and not sleeping and not eating for days so I was in pretty rough shape. All the doc had to say was whats wrong and I told him about my dad and not being able to get out of bed. He gave me some meds, seroquel, remeron, and zopicline. I was starting to feel great when I started having all the night tremors, nightmares and flashbacks of my past abuse. I went back to my doctor and I gave him a list of all the flashbacks because I would not have been able to tell him in person what I had lived through. He read the part about the rapes and the abortion and asked if I had ever been to counselling and I said no. He asked me if I would go and I said no. He took my hand and held it apologized for what I had been through and begged me to see his friend a psychologist. So I said I will meet him but I am not promising anything. So I was prescribed ativan for the panic attacks.
I started going to see the psychologist and I have to say that he has been helping me greatly. He is such a kind and compassionate man, and so patient, he never rushes me to talk about painful subjects.
But now I am so tired of pretending that I am ok. I am not ok. At work I try to keep it all together when in fact I am wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. I am so stressed out at work, each day more and more is being added to my pile. My coworkers think that my dad was buried almost one year ago that the day after the funeral I should be over my grief. I am not - my dads death is so raw in my body and I cry many days just thinking of him as I miss him so much. Sure he was 95 and lived a great life but I am so tired of the hurtful comments like well how long did you want him to live, or did you want him to live forever, Even my own husband tells me not to cry because I should be over it. His mom had a massive heart attack and died at the age of 52, and yes I understand his pain, but please dont underestimate my pain. My life at home and work is hell but I put up this facade that I am ok, and I am not. I have to be so in control of everything at home and at work. I dont know how to relax, I have no enjoyment in  my life, dont know how to have fun or what would make me happy. I have no goals, no desire no nothing. I am just a robot who goes to work everyday and does what I am asked and then I go home and take care of my husband and live his dream and everything that he wants in his life. I have been through so much pain and I am in so much emotional pain that my heart feels broken, it aches all the time.
How do I get over my past so that I can live again. What do I do? My doctor said that I have to go through a healing process a long one, but what is the healing process. Do I have to forgive my abusers in order to heal, because honestly I am not sure I want to do that. I have little to do with my mom and brother, they always call me at work to tell me how much they have done for me, all I want to do is tell them how what they did to me affected my whole childhood and adult life.
If there are any experts in the medical field who can offer any advice or words of wisdon please do so.
I need all the help that I can get.

[Angelinthemorning]

I am not an expert.  Just your average woman.  I am sorry to say I have no great words of wisdom.  But, I was moved to reply and so I'll say this.  Tell your mother and brother how they hurt you.  Even if it's just cussing them for everything they're worth.  Secondly, forgive yourself first, the rest will come in time.

[margypops]

I am so sorry you are suffering so badly ,your Doctor sounds like a good and caring man when he says its a long healing process  he is right, It is good you are seeing a psychologist and he is helping you,  Have you asked if some of the Meds you take have side effects that make you feel worse, I know some do .You are still grieving about the loss of your father , it hasnt been a long time.One thing I do know our thoughts make us feel bad ,it sounds simplistic but when you find your self, worrying   and over thinking, let your self obsess for a few minutes , then tell your self 'Stop" no more' and distract your self, get busy , anything else that will fill your mind.Good luck I hope you will be able to feel better soon,

[teko]

Why have you not told your husband about your past? He could be a great support system to you. You need to realize that he will love you regardless of your past, probably even moreso. I think the only way to survive a past is to deal with it and then let it go. If that takes meds and therapy, then that is what you need to do but seriously, trust in your marriage enough to allow your husband to support you thru it. hugs

[AnnaE]

Group therapy, supervised by a therapist, could help you a lot.Condult with therapist, if
considfring telling partner

[calamfred]

It took me quite a while in therapy to work up the nerve to tell my husband about my past...and not that he is not supportive, he is, and always has been...it was just my mindset and how it can go for those of us who were abused in the past...the shame that we can take on, the guilt...that I am working on putting that shame, and blame back on my abuser, where it goes!!...Telling my husband was one of the hardest things I have ever done...but it has also been one of the biggest steps I have taken on my journey of healing...we are all different, and healing comes in different forms and at different times...I hope you can get the help you need, professionally and from people who are positive supporters...Good luck to you.
C

[margypops]

Totally agree I have always thought that professional advice should be sought but equally there is a time when reading books, and getting support from folks who have gone through similar and have compassion to listen not simply to clinical facts.This place is for all with input and empathy as they have been through Trauma aswell.We are all differant and healing does come in differant forms we are survivors from the way we have done it aswell as being positive supporters.

[fary]

hey dont worry.u are a brave girl.u'll handle.just have faith in urself and tel ur partner.u need not penalize urself  for thing u r not part of.ur greatness is reflected in da trauma u have just beared.and trust me its over now.hav u seen kung fu pand"yesterday is history tomorrow is mystery but today is a gift.dats why v call it da present"

[fary]

pills and drinking may provide temporary moments of respites after which da degree of pain is felt more.dont try this.

[margypops]

Wise words fary ,you said it so few words aswell thank you .

[RockRose]

fary,  that's very true about drinking.  It might help at the time,  but the next day the brain produces more adrenaline - and so anxiety is much worse.   Very vicious cycle.  

[teko]

fary! Wise words those are!  To the OP, I am concerned that you have isolated yourself with no support system.  Your husband can be a wonderful and possibly the most important support for you to begin healing. Yes it is scarey, but oh how rewarding once you take those first steps! I hope you are having a great day today. Let us know how it is going?

[Midnight101]

At this time I have much support
my doctor and therapist
and I am reaching out more to my husband and I am telling him things everyday
I just dont want to swamp him with too many things
he is going through his own issues at this time

[teko]

Wow, It is so wonderful to hear that. You are strong and compassionate. Baby steps are good, you will see. Hugs and keep us posted K?

[fary]

all u ppl are fortunate to have access to medical faicilities.in my part of world mental disorders are considered curses.and ppl suffering from dem are abandoned.i hope i could do something for dem wen i graduate.

[fary]

dere is principle in medicine.a drug which is not indicated is contra-indiacted.try not to tak drugs on ur own.

[margypops]

True fary we dont always appreciate what we have,I understand what you are saying, and I hear that other parts of the world and where you come from do not have facilities for mental disorders,what do you mean by try to not take drugs on your own,

[jasoler]

I know what you are going through. I too was abused, but it was by my father. After I told my mother what he was doing to be she first believed it, then she turned around and very abusive to me for telling her. Every relationship that I had been in after that was an abusive relationship, until one day I, too, had enough.

Everyday that live, you are telling those people that they don't control you- that YOU CONTROL YOU. Just like you, I did not want counseling, but it was going to counseling that enabled me to do the things that I needed to do. It is not going to be easy, but the thing that you need to remember is that what happens to us makes us into who we are. Just remember that you are not alone, that your husband is there and that you have your doctor and counselor. And if there is ever a need, there are support groups out there for individuals who have been abused; whether these groups are online or not, they can help you and give you advise on how to cope.

Take care and remember- EVERYDAY YOU LIVE, IS LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE OF THOSE WHO ABUSED YOU; THAT YOU ARE SAYING THAT I AM THE ONE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE, NOT YOU.

[teko]

jaysoler,  that is sooo very true! I like that! hugs!

[fary]

eg aspirin has da side effect of causing gastric ulcer.dis is wat i m talking about.here drugs are freely available.certain medicine may cause pain relief but its long term efffects are to b borne in mind

[cbuggababy]

One of worst things that can happen to the people who have abused and betrayed you is when you to begin to disentangle yourself from those people.  They feel the contol and  power they always had getting away from them and of course they don't like it.  They want everyone ( including you ) to believe the false picture they show the world so that they can continue to live their twisted lives.
I want you to know that on a personal level, many times you will feel worse before you feel better.  It doesn't mean therapy, meds, or your ability to heal isn't working.  It doesn't mean that things won't change, or that it will only continue to get worse.  It's VERY important for you to understand this so that you don't think giving up is a smarter option for you.  
After the years of abuse and betrayal it's as though, deep in your heart and mind, you knew what you needed to do, how you needed to act and what you needed to say in order to survive.  The reason things begin to bubble up to the surface at this point is because after the years with your husband your'e beginning to feel 'emotionally safe'.  All the horrendous treatment you had to absorbe over the years is starting to come to the surface so it can be released.  It is awful, no two ways about it.  I tend to think in pictures so...It's like a festering infection that you can live with for a long time.  It's painful so you try not to touch there.  It's sore so you don't want anyone else getting near it either.  You don't feel good so there is a lot of life you can't be involved in.  At some point the pressure from all this pus is going to kill ya.  Now you can lay there and slowly die or...Just like you did (someday you'll be very proud of yourself!) you can be afraid, but go to the doctor anyway.  You can talk to the doctors and nurses and tell them your symptoms and where it hurts.  This is where your doctor tells you that you can't treat your illness yourself anymore.  It's too big for aspirin and a heating pad.  You need surgery.  And stitches.  And a drainage tube.  And anti-biotics.  And an 'on-call' nurse.  And most of all, time to heal.  Lot's of rest.  Time when you cry because you hurt.  And time when you cry that anyone could ever have made you sick in the first place and not care.   Truely your biggest challenge now will be to take care of yourself and not believe anyone else's needs are bigger than yours right now.  Your feelings are justified even if your husband(or any one else) can't validate them for you right now.  It's hard for them to validate something they really don't have the full story on so it wouldn't be right for you to accept what they think makes sence for you.  You'll know.
It is hard but the wounds will heal and you will have your true, healthy self for the first time ever.  You will also have survivor scars that at times you'll want to share with someone wounded.  And you will be their hero.  
Godspeed, and remember, when the savages are chasing you, you walk on coals to get to the other side!   And you will...

[fary]

do u ppl know about oct 8 earthquake?

[Sidelgato]

As an abused child myself, my heart goes out to you. It is so very difficult to make the choice to get better. If you can do that it's a huge leap forward. It's like that saying, the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step forward (I probably screwed that up but you get the point:) but it is true. The road to getting better can take years but I believe if you can find a really good therapist, one that get's you to the work and not just talking  and a good psychiatrist who understands what these meds can and cant do that can make the road shorter. I say that, because I wasted so much time with bad therapists and lousy psychiatrists who basically threw medicine at my problem.

Your road is your OWN road when it comes to treatment. You may not have to approach the abusers and forgive them....you just don't know until your there. And when you get there, YOU will know what you should do. Definitely set up a good support system...family or friends. But ultimitely you have to own it. Maybe that's why it is such a powerful experience to go through treatment and get to that point of feeling better.

My acupunctuist (who has given me many words of wisdom) once told me to view my life as going through transitions rather than seeing everything as "happening" to me...where instead of going thru life and just trying to keep my head above water, I view it as ME CHANGING. When he said that, it was so very simple yet profound to me. It really helped me turn a corner and continues to help me.

It sounds like the script isn't working anymore for you. It's time to be YOU. The road may be long but along the way you discover yourself.

I wish the best for you,
Sidelgato