I found out I'm pregnant a few days ago. I should be around 6 1/2 weeks. The deal is that for a few weeks I had been feeling enormous depression, it was one of my first signs. I cried all the time. I was angry the rest of the time. All for no reason. I told my fiancee that I really needed counseling because I was going crazy. I thought my period was late because of stress, I was not worrying about it, I was sure it would come. It never did. I took the test so sure it was negative. When it turned positive within half a second I immediately broke down in tears of immense fear.
Since then I have calmed down somewhat. All my family and his family and all our friends have been 1000% supportive. It's so amazing, and I am so grateful.
But it remains that I was not planning on becoming pregnant yet. My fiance and I are both almost finished with our first two years of college. He has a great job and is hoping for a promotion. I am just concentrating hard in school. Baby was not part of the plan.
I've been experiencing horrible thoughts:
-Feeling like having a baby makes me old (even though I'm only 22)
-feel that my life is over
-I will never be the same person ever again
- hate thinking of myself as a "mom" (hearing the word makes me cry)
-I think of the baby as a step closer to the grave, I am no longer innocent and young and carefree
-I look at my beautiful 20 year old fiance and see an old man :'(
-Feeling like I "just can't do it"
-wanting so bad to turn back time to when I met and fell in love with my fiance in high school
-feeling like our relationship will never be the same, our sex life will never be the same, our hopes and dreams shattered
-not being able to see or talk to my mother or grandparents because they really arent too happy, they demanded I not get pregnant until I finish school,I feel ashamed for disappointing them
-I keep revisiting the thought of abortion
The thing is that these feelings arise only at bedtime. When I'm laying next to my dead asleep fiance in a quiet dark room. I feel like I'm in the mouth of hell. Horrible thoughts of fear, regret, old age and dying consume me. Because of that I can only sleep when it is daylight, like a friggin vampire. It doesnt help that I have bad nausea and eating anything makes me sick or throw up.
I want to happy like most pregnant women. I've always loved babies, and I know I will be a wonderful mom. but the dark thought return every night.
I guess what I want to know is should I seek treatment or is this all normal in early pregnancy? If so, when oh when will it pass ?!
You do sound more than a little overwhelmed, and that you are looking down a path you didn't think you would have to take yet. Even those of us who planned for it have an OMG moment when it finally happens. it's very confronting!
your physical signs are fairly normal, and the hormones can make us all a little nuts during the first trimester, but if you think that it goes beyond the normal "hormonal" ups and downs, then perhaps a visit to a GP or Counsellor is in order, if only to put your mind at ease. a good councellor can help you put things in their correct perspective.
Whatever path you and your fiance take, I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you so much. I do feel that it is just hormonal, but the biggest issue is that all the worrying keeps me up and I can't sleep; which is not good news for the baby. I'm desperate to get to the doctor to see what I can do. Sleep meds have never worked on me so I don't know what I can do about my nighttime anxiety.
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